No periods yet - concerned

[lucjam]

Ok, so my DD is 12 yrs 7 months - I know this is way too soon to start worrying that she hasn't started her periods but bear with me.

She is 5 foot 6 and growing daily, about 9.5 stone, size 6 feet. I believe that she has pubic hair but I'm not allowed to see her naked AT ALL. She told me that she shaves it all off, I said I was ok with her shaving armpits and legs but not ok with her shaving her public hair. That was something she could do when she was older if she so wished. She has boobs, is a size 34A.

We allow her privacy, we knock before going in her room etc. She always changes by her door so she can slam it shut if you try to enter when she is changing.

About 8 months ago she asked me for a bigger bra (via a note left on my pillow) and said she was worried about periods. I tried to talk about it to her but she won't discuss it. She was mortified going for her first bra fitting but the lady in M&S was lovely so that helped.

I wonder if she is somehow managing to mentally stop herself from starting her periods?

I started at 12 yrs 3 months, my sister was 11 years old. I know these things are familial that coupled with her height and weight make me think that something is not right.

I don't plan to take her to the GP, I know they would just say that it was too soon to worry etc etc. She would be really cross if I suggested it.

We are quite an open family, kids have always seen us naked and we don't make a big deal about bodies etc. I've bought her books about puberty and am open to discussion, she does know this. I do make sure that I don't go on about it. She can ask anything. I don't embarrass easily.

I don't think that she has started and not told me, there is no evidence of this at all. She is all prepared with a little make up bag in her school bag with spare knickers, sanitary towels, nappy sacks etc. She didn't want to carry it in her bag but I explained that if she wasn't prepared and it happened at school she would have to go see matron to to spare her blushes she should carry it with her.

Sorry this is so long! Any experience/advice welcome.

The onset of menstruation is derived from hormones from the pituatory gland. There are websites you can look at. In the main it is nothing to worry about unless there is a concern about sudden weight loss etc. I started when 14 but my DD when 11. Individual to each female.
I knew someone whose DD had not started at 17, but on investigation she had underdeveloped ovaries and womb. Very rare, never heard of it before or since.
Try not to worry.

You may not want her to shave but it's her body, and if she's worried about periods starting and boobs growing, that suggests to me that she's maybe scared of becoming a woman - getting rid of any pubic hair is probably nothing to do with sex, but to stop her from feeling like she's becoming a grown up. I was exactly the same; I developed very young, periods and boobs at 10. When my pubic hair came along at 12 I got rid of it because I didn't want other people to see when changing for PE/didn't like it because it was weird and new, not because I thought it was what boys wanted.
This age is a very touchy one for young girls. I grew up in a family who were comfortable in their own skin and being naked with each other but that actually made me feel a little more awkward when going through puberty; maybe you could tell her that you're there for anything she needs, and when her periods do start, there's some pads in the bathroom and she old has to let you know if she needs more. As I said, she's probably very self conscious and needs a little bit of space to process all the changes happening to her body - you sounds like a lovely mum, just give her a bit of time to get used to growing up x

Hard to say not to worry, you know your daughter better than anyone. There's always health visitors, via school nurses that can help. Her friends are probably exerting their own forms of pressure too.
Puberty is natures way of switching off growing. By that I mean teens do most of their growing pre puberty afterwards it tails off markedly due to hormones. Be thankful she's a good height and not a little squirt like me!

I was the one of the smallest in my class at 12 when I started my period. I finished school one of the tallest. No link with reaching full height before starting with me anyway.

Here she is, with her sister.

Oops - wrong thread, sorry everyone!

One dd was 11 and not fully grown (height or bust wise) next dd was 15 and was full height and had a full bust from 13. I was 9 so clearly not grown in any way. It just doesn't follow a pattern so try not tworry. Fwiw I would dislike the shaving thing, not because shaving is sexual - it clearly isn't for your dd but because I'd worry that feeling shame doesn't promote good self image. If she just prefers it then fair enough but I'd want to try and be sure of that if possible.

Middle! (body hair not a worry for those two at least!)

OP I think you'd best buy all she needs for periods and provide it for her somewhere she doesn't have to ask for it, as she might have started and not told you.

A friend of mine didn't have periods at 17...that turned out to be for a terrible reason, once it was fully investigated. Try to give her more space and privacy.

If she's leaving you notes on your pillow about bras and periods, it sounds like she wants to discuss these things with you but is too embarrassed to do it face to face. you could try getting a notebook (or a lockable diary with two keys) for her to ask you questions and you to answer (and vice versa). you could also put a tape measure with it and tell her how to measure herself for a new bra when she needs it.

I started when I was seventeen! My mother and grandmother started at eleven and twelve. In the nicest way possible I think it's a bit too early to be worrying

I would just like to say that each girl is different. My DD started her periods at about 12 years 4 months. Well within the normal age range. What was more surprising was that, as she said: "why have I started, I've got no boobs or fur?"

She is tiny, wears age 9-10 pants and has a 26" chest. The point is, she is at the right stage of development for her personally.

I agree with other posters that I would get things checked out if nothing had happened by, say 15 to 17 but at your daughter's age it is most likely that she is absolutely fine.

A fair number of my DD's friends started when they were 11/12. My DD started when she was 13yrs 3months. Doctor told me last year she could be much later starting as she's underweight at only 5st5lbs. Funnily enough though her best friend started very close to her, aged 13yrs 4months and she weighs 14stone. Their other closest friend apparently hasn't even started puberty yet (nearly 14), so there is no right or wrong.

I'd try having a word with her and explain that she can ask you anything, even if she doesn't know how to put it. Tell her notes are ok as well - at least that's a way of telling you something rather than bottling it up.

I was anxious about when it was going to start, if I had the right sanitary towels for her, whether she could cope with it. I think all you can do is get yourself and her prepared for whenever - buy 2/3 types of Sanitary towels as you can never guess when it will happen and get her and yourself prepared for periods, ie a spare pair of pants and a couple of sanitary towels just in case she starts at school or elsewhere - my dd started when she was out with her Dad for the day, didn't say anything to him as she had no concerns and was prepared. My DD's friend was upset when she started at school, was unprepared and wouldn't go back into lessons until her Mum met her at the school gate.