What age does your teenager sleep over at boyfriends...plse help?

[febel]

My 17 yr old wantsto stay over at her boyfriend's tonight. He is 21 and a nice enough lad. She is on the pill. Her sisters aged 22 and 24 didn't really stop over at boyfriends at all cept on the odd occasion. She says times have changed since then.

She texted me from college to ask,out of the blue (although she did stop there once before, said in the spare room...yeah right...after a late party) and I replied that she couldn't tonight because she has an appointment with CAHMS (mental health...another story) tomorrow with a doctor we have waited 3 months to see (think it's me who needs to see them about mental health, not her, as I can't cope with her...been through CBT but still struggling..am not good at being bullied) She then phoned and shouted and screamed at me down the phone, during which time I just kept saying, we have an appointment, you can't stay....then she turned onto saying, WHY can't I , I will stay tomorrow then, why can't I? ON and on and on . I said I didn't want to discuss it over the phone, particularly with her mates possibley egging her on and sniggering in the background (we dont' know any of them, she won't bring them home and won't tell us where they live, even when she goes round...she walks or gets lifts...so she says) A lot of her riends seem to virtually live at their boyfriends...nobody that we know or knew when our others were her age were like this but perhaps times have changed....but I don't think so...I think it's either just her friends or she just says it...and I feel they are influencing her too.

She is trying to bully me into it...she doesn't discuss anything anyway, if the answer isn't an immediate yes bt flies off the handle and BOMBARDS me with nasty texts or phones me and shouts and bellows at me down the phone...or face to face. She can be VERY nasty if she wants to be. I have just been in floods of tears as she vented at me down the phone and by text, feel even worse as yesterday we had a lovely day with grandparents seeing MD graduate, and YD behaved herself and was lovely all day....like she used to be, and evening. Then we have all this today. I am so very upset, she is after conflict and argueing all the time.

She then texted me saying she was going to boyfriend's anyway, no matter what we say, and I couldn't contact him cos I don't have his number cos it's a new one..which she doesn't realise I can get from the itemised on line phone bill (cos it's in my name) I had a look to get it and am aghast cos once again her EX BOYFRIEND'S number is on the numbers called/texted loads of times...after she said she hated him and wasn't in touch with him (he has caused a LOT of trouble) and how much she loves the present one (god forbid she'd be without a boyfrnd...she can't handle that)
How CAN she....her new boyfrnt, (since August) is lovely, and we have already told her not to do this. ..I am talking 40 contacts with ex over the last few days...I gave up then cos felt so upset.

Where have I gone wrong? I seem to have bought up a 17 yr old who is into conflict, who INSISTS on having her own way, who lies (caught her out numerous times) who seems to have no feeling for other people beyond herself

Sorry to ramble on but please...any advice or input would be appreciated, I feel I am back at square one again....my others didn't play me up like this and despite the numerous books I have read (we have had a very rocky ride over the past years with her) I feel nothing has changed.

My dd is 18 and stays occasionally at her boyfriends - I don't really like it but can't stop her at 18. She says every one does it. She's generally very honest with me and we have a close relationship so I trust what she says.
Before you think I'm being smug, my ds on the other hand is completely the opposite, he is 17 and since the age of 16 has stayed at girlfriends houses- telling me ( like your dd) that I can't make him come home. A few times he even switched of his phone and disappeared. He will happily bring home his latest girl and expect her to be able to stay - we've finally managed to get him to comply with the rule of separate rooms! But these girls often are like nomads and will sleep at ours one night , another house the next ( with my son in toe) one girl had been doing this for ten days so I asked if her parents would be worried- she said they were fine as long as she kept in touch ( she was 16) . We did eventually manage to speak to her parents ( while trying to locate my ds) . They were lovely people who said their daughter had gone through a stage of running away, so they were just happy to know she was ok.
my dh and I find this " sleep over" generation so strange, as it wasn't some thing we even thought about at their age.
My dd sleeps at friends houses occasionally and she's bought a double bed - which she and her close friends all sleep in together when they have nights out or girly night in!
Were now in the process of buying a sofa bed and kitting out our second lounge for sleep overs.
So OP my advice ( for what it's worth) I'd " let" your dd stay that way you can ask for tel numbers address and how tell her how often. I'd ring the parents of your dd s boyfriend just to check it's ok for her to stay ( Let's his parents know you care) . if you know she's safe , try to relax and enjoy a night off! X

What I did with my DD when she was 16 or 17 - and still often/usually asked if she could stay out etc - was to ask her if she had enough time (if I thought she didn't). I'd point out why I thought it wasn't a good idea but tell her that it was her choice. So I didn't stop her doing stuff, but I didn't give her my approval. IMO - it's not your permission that your DD wants to have, it's your approval. And/or the option of not taking responsibility for the consequences of her choices. So if it doesn't work out she can say, "Well you let me, mum".

Maybe I was trying to have my cake and eat it by not saying no (and therefore avoiding conflict) but telling her I didn't think it was a good idea. But if your DD is like mine she won't take advice and unfortunately has to make her own mistakes it seems. (She is now in her first year of uni and in a flatshare, ie sharing a room with her BF - which I don't think is a great idea at the age of 18 in your first year of uni - at best it's likely to lead to 'complications'. Now that she's 18 I didn't even try to talk her out of it...) But I'll be as supportive as I can when they break up....

At some point your DD has to accept that she can't expect you to be pleased about her making choices that you don't think are in her best interest. Either she can carry on and accept that it was her decision and face the consequences of her actions without complaining or take your advice and do what you tell her. If I was you I'd tell her that as she's almost 18 she is free to make her own choices provided that she lets you know where she is etc.

I really sympathise - my DD (and to a lesser extent DS)don't even seem to understand the concept of respecting their parents. They always know best. It's pretty tiresome sometimes. But despite that, I think we have a good relationship. Some people have a very strong need to do their own thing, a strong desire to be independent which is very frustrating when you can see them making mistakes. It's hard to accept that they're young and foolish and let them get on with it without interfering.

The contact with her ex seems like a lot, but might not be very significant. To have a 'conversation' by text requires a lot of individual messages. "Hello" is one. "How are you?" is two. And then what might take you a minute to say might need three or four texts.

It's probably not a good idea to look to see who she's texting - you don't know who started it or what they're saying. She might be rubbing his face in the fact she has a lovely boyfriend....

Apologies if my take on this is irrelevant - I don't remember other threads about your DD.

My DD and her BF stayed over at both houses from the age of 17. I knew they were in a sexual relationship anyway..... It saved driving him/her home late after parties. And they'd both have stayed at friends'/parties all night if they didn't go to one or other houses.