Sleepovers

[Fleurdelise]

Hi All,

I am sort of new to Mumsnet, I have been reading but not participating.

I have a 13 yo DS (and a 7yo dd but she is not the subject of this topic) who is generally a normal teenager, not very troubled but not too quiet either. He has the usual mood swings, now he is the sweetest boy and the next thing he turns into a moody person who hates us (not declared but you can read it on his face).

I am getting used to all that teenage years mean, as I believe that until now we have been lucky, he is not verbally or physically abusive, just extremely moody and treats us like he knows it all and we are the village idiots. Fair enough, we've all been there.

What I wanted to ask in fact was if this is normal: my DS has sleepovers quite often, I would say every other weekend if not more often at times. What bothers me, or more exactly I feel like I am not sure if I am doing the right thing, is that sometimes the sleepovers are around girls' houses. Not just him, a group of friends, boys and girls. I have always allowed him to go as I am trying to be a cool mother and I give him as much freedom as possible but every time he has another sleepover around a girl's house I cant stop wondering if I will be that woman all over the papers with a teenage son becoming a father at the age of 14.

Am I exaggerating? Is this normal behaviour for teenagers?

And one more question: is it normal for 13 yos to stay in their room all the time, no interaction with the family at all except for dinner time which is eaten in a rush and then he's gone again.

7yo dd is always moaning that she misses him, what shall I do besides explaining her that he is a teenager and needs his own space? Shall I "force" him into spending time with his sister at least? By force him I do mean bribe him somehow.

To your second post I would say it sounds pretty normal and I personally wouldn't be asking him to spend time with his sister if he doesn't want to.

To your first post - I would say when my DS wanted regular sleep overs at 13-14 years it was because if he was coming home my curfews were strict so the staying out option was preferable. In addition to which he started smoking weed on weekend evenings and it took a long time for me to find out as he was sleeping at people's houses where the parenting was much more slack than mine.
I would be asking questions. However, they start to need freedom too at this age so I'd say work on communication and education about drugs /alcohol / sex rather than being too restrictive.

both bits sound very normal to me. My lad has mates over to stay or is at a friends house quite a lot. There are mixed sleep overs sometimes too. He is part of a large mixed group of friends.
He also locks himself away but will come out for food. Occasionally I have great chats with him when he's willing. This has been going on for a couple of years and will prob last till he's 18. He's my second and I've seen the other one go through it and come out the other end. Don't make him socialise with you he will resent it.
Read the book. Get out my life but first take me and Alex to town first. It's a very useful read. Makes everything make sense.

All sounds normal teenage boy behaviour to me.

Phew! Thank you for your answers, just wanted some reassurance that I am not going wrong. I bought the book already and I am still reading it.

Tonight though we had a clash as he informed me he has another party at the weekend but then when I asked him some (unrelated) questions he was so arrogant that I felt like fuming and couldn't hold it in. :(

Guess I was overloaded by dd stating again how much she misses him and she doesn't get to see him anymore. :(

I don't think you should expect a teen boy to want to spend time with a S so much younger. They will be polls apart with their development. Don't get me wrong he will love her , look out for her and as they both get older will probably get closer.
Your D may be wanting his company because she's bored, knows it'll get a reaction from you or that she feels he is doing something different to her and is left out. You need to not worry about them spending time together and joke with your d that this is what grumpy boy teens do. If you make him feel he has to spend time with her that will push him further away from her.

I think you can make him spend little bits of time with his sister and it will be good for both of them. Do it with a sense of humour and choose your moments.

There's nothing wrong with mixed sleepovers, but make sure you are talking often and in depth about sex, drugs, drinking and attitudes to women. Also, remember that he will lie to you most likely, so make sure you check up on him, where he is and what he is doing. Don't be too permissive, and let him know what the boundaries are.

Thank you for your replies.

The problem with dd is not that she is bored but the fact that the change with my DS came quite quick, not overnight but went from him being present to him not wanting to even come with us on days out. Which is fine but she is a bit confused.

Of course they love each other and I am sure he still loves her but all she hears from him lately is "get out of my room" if she even tries to say hello.

I am explaining her almost every day that he needs his space and he loves her but he is now becoming an adult and the transformation is not easy, last night however she told me she is worried that he hates her. :(

DS became really popular in secondary school (he is now yr 9) and has a lot of friends mixed gender and I am really happy with this but I do worry when I notice that nothing else matters except his social life. His grades are still very good at school (considering) but this is due to having a sharp brain, no other work is put into it, all he cares about is PS3 and going out.

We do talk about all the dangers out there, we recently discussed the case where the 14 yo was murdered by the 19 yo that he met via gaming network, we talk drugs, alcohol, sex but he generally looks at me shocked, stating he is not an idiot and that was that.

Last night I felt quite depressed realising that soon (4/5 years time) the little one will turn into this (if not worse) and there goes my sweet children...

I discouraged very frequent sleepovers at that age. But IME 13-14/15 is the age where they're most keen to spend every waking minute with groups of friends. I suppose the novelty of having more independence than when they were younger is still very important to them and their social scene, as you say, tends to take off when they get settled into secondary school.

I know it's old-fashioned, but keep em busy if you possibly can. Encourage constructive hobbies, DofE (when he's old enough), music groups etc to keep him out of mischief - he'll still have fun with his peers but less opportunity for mischief.

I have two teenage boys and this sounds very familiar to me, in fact I think you may have ds2's doppelgänger!

there goes my sweet children
Yes but... I felt a bit like that but teenagers are so interesting and can be lovely, just different.

My DS did quite a few mixed sleepovers at 13, less so when he was older. He had a lovely bunch of friends, boys and girls and they had a lot of fun. The sleepovers fizzled out when they got a little older and started having boyfriends / girlfriends.
The staying in his room - normal. Stick to making him come out for meals and try to find some little thing that he still enjoys doing as a family.

The relationship with his sister is more difficult. You already have a large age gap and opposite sexes. With the best will in the world they can have few interests in common. I have two boys two years apart who were inseparable until DS1 became 13. They then seemed to lose their connection for a couple of years until DS2 reached adolescence and they became closer again. I doubt this will happen with a 6 year age gap. I think that you are doing the right thing by trying to manage her expectations of her brother and he needs to try not to be unkind to her.

The sleepovers do seem to fizzle out when they're a bit older IME too (as Peastalks says. Eg my 15YO is busier now that he got into a couple of music groups and has mocks at the moment. Last year he went on an expedition which required fund-raising - nothing like a paper round to discourage late nights! A surprising number of his friends have paper rounds actually.

I'd definitely encourage a hobby/interest though and not just leave them to do nothing but school and hanging out.

Ah! There's a problem! While he used to enjoy lots of activities he slowly gave up all of them over the last couple of years, no more football, no martial arts, if you ask him what are his interest he will reply skateboarding and gaming.

I am not worried as such but I would have liked to see him busy with something he would enjoy of course.

His friends are good kids, majority of them, normal teenagers, but again they don't seem to have any extra curricular activities, this is nothing worrying and I am hoping they are keeping each other out of trouble.