Advise on board/rent

[Princessjonsie]

My son is now 21. He is 22 this august. I raised him alone till I met my DH 10 years ago. He has a son of his own who doesn't visit. He has Aspergers and we have had a long history with his dislike of step parents on both sides and as he is 22 now decides to live alone. We do not contribute towards him in anyway ( unsure if his mum does ). Anyway the problem is my son. I always said while he was studying I would support him and I have all through Uni . It was a struggle but he left with two degrees and I'm very proud. He then went to USA and it supposed to be for 7 months. I paid the fare and sent him on his way. In august he said the company had cut short his contract and he was coming home . He came home end of august . He had been gone 4 months. He moved in with us and I supported him till he got a job . He got one in nov and so we asked for rent . To be fair we asked 60 pet week leaving him on a short week 100 to himself but on a good week he gets loads more. As we have recently moved house and his travel is now more expensive I give him back 30 each week for travel. I am happy with this and feel that 30 is enough.for this he gets room, food. Washing internet etc. we leave him alone to do his own thing and don't ask anything of him. I cook every day and pay for takeaways etc should we have them if I work late/ super tired . Problem is he thinks this is a huge amount of cash and I have to beg for it each week . Causing problems as DH thinks I should ask for it which he is right . What do I do if he refuses to pay? Ask him to leave? Tearing my hair out

So let me get this right, you are charging your 22 year old employed adult son £30 a week board. For that he gets a room, internet, washing, cooking, etc? For £120 a month.

That is more than fair, actually it is a bargain. You should be taking at least £60 a week and keeping it. Do the maths and you will find he is costing you at least that amount in extra food, electric, gas, etc.

He is acting like a man-child and treating you like a doormat. It is time for some tough love, if he wont pay without a fuss then tell him to move out. He won't get anything like the deal he has now for £60 a week.

Ask for a percentage of his income instead of a flat fee. It's fine to help him on a short week but you should ensure he isn't being taken advantage of at work as well.

He is on a contract which gives him 25 hours guaranteed so if he works less he still gets paid for 25. If he works more which he has done every week apart from one then he gets paid extra. Bank holidays are double time so don't feel he is being taken advantage of. If I didn't have to take it then I wouldn't but I need it . I don't mind paying the bus fare as we moved house without consideration and the fares are mental. I even run him around when there are no buses. I will have tough love. I have no choice. I promised to pay for driving lessons and test etc and help with a car for his 21st but he doesn't seem in any rush to do it. He isn't happy as he has lost his independence that he had when at Uni and I get that but even so .

He isn't happy as he has lost his independence that he had when at Uni and I get that but even so

Part of having independence is paying your own way. You are not trying to snatch away all of his income because you are greedy, you need the money to cover costs.

If he is working at least 25 hours at minimum wage he must be bringing home at least £160 every week. You are asking for a little over 1/3 to cover ALL his living costs. The 2/3 or so he has left over is for clothes/travel/leisure/etc.

You are not being unreasonable.

My DD is almost 20. She pays £15 per week but this was worked out on her earning £100 a week. She has had a number of pay rises since and is earning about £700/800 pm. She is due another pay rise and I have said I will start charging £30. Still a bargain. She pays for her own car insurance, tax and petrol. She is also paying her own mobile phone.

We paid for 10 driving lessons when she was 17 and after that she paid for the rest. I think we probably paid for some extra ones nearer her test. The car was her 18th birthday present.

Oh I forgot she pays me her keep by standing order.

He couldn't rent a room for what he pays you never mine the additional expenses.

I think the kindest thing you can do is work out what his fair share of the bills would be if you were sharing a house as flatmates. Do a spreadsheet.

Also write on it all the things he pays and sit down with him and work it out. I think at the back of your minds is that you have lots of money and he has very little so there is a charity thing going on.

He needs to see what his outgoings would be in the real world and once he can do that he might feel confident enough to make it on his own.

I think it's a bit much to let him have his own way and subsidize him for years and then suddenly pull the plug. He could take it very personally and feel very rejected, so try and be impartial, with numbers on paper, discussion and very clearly highlighted Real World figures.

His problem is that his brain isn't quite an adult yet. He is nearly there but he is still swaying back to being a child. This is normal. He still has feelings that your roll is to look after him. As you have looked after him all his life without any questioning , it just happened. Now you're breaking that. Rightly so. But it comes as a shock sometimes to them. They have difficulty letting go of the child times. £30 is very fair. You cod set up a standing order so it goes automatically to you. You need to keep asking him. It will help him become independant and self sufficant in the future. Good luck

*could

Thank you that it the best reply I've had. Fair and sympathetic . I appreciate that and it doesn't make me feel like a lousy mum x

My parents always made me pay a percentage of my earnings. When I only had a paper round, I made only a little, so I paid only a little. When I got a bigger job, I paid more.
I didn't always like it, but it was fair. They do the same with my siblings. If you don't have a job, you need to do more chores than if you have one.

Hi Princess, can totally relate to this & it's a very similar situation to mine, 22 yr old DS, back from uni, time in USA and now back home, working and begrudgingly paying rent. Well it came to head and I did the tough love and my DS has moved to his dad's just this past week where he's been promised an easier time. I feel racked with guilt but it doesn't mean we're bad mums, you can't be walked all over. One day they'll see that so stuck to your guns, I know it's tough. Sending you hugs and .

Agree it's time to sit down and actually show him in black and white the households outgoings and percentage of which is for him.

Then insist on standing order which leaves his account straight after payday - this way you're not having the same awkward argument every week and he will learn to spend only the money he has left.

good luck!

He has two degrees and earns feck all, what were the degrees in?

BTW, I think you have done and are doing much more than many would/could or even should, perhaps.

I agree. Lots of young people prefer not to grow up when it comes to bills, but the alternative is that your wages subsidise him to a very large extent. For most people the outcome of that is that the young person spends like a lunatic and the parent struggles, unless they're very well off.

That doesn't seem fair, on the young person either, who is denied a maturing experience.

Hello

Spoke with someone last week

They are paying £350 a month to rent a room in a family owned house
They will actually only be in the room 4 nights a week due to work commitments
Includes bills
Does not include food or phone

You are under charging your son ! - (but it depends where you live)

Suggest ask him do to some chores round the house

Suggest increase charge or suggest he moves out

Hello

The other "issue" is that it is your house, so your rules

You are still treating him like a child, so he is continuing to behave like your child

I doubt if he acted like a child when he lived in USA

You need to treat him like any other lodger

Independence & responsibility for you both

Good luck