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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd, 15, sex - help

9 replies

lazybint · 09/01/2015 22:41

Just found out my 15yo Dd is having sex with her bf.

He's 17, they've been together 5 months, they've "only" had sex twice and it started very recently.

I found out as I went into her room earlier and saw an open empty condom wrapper on her windowsill.

Spoken to her briefly about age of consent, respect for themselves and each other, obviously protection but evidently they know about that already.

She's upset that I "flipped out" says "everyone is doing it" and that their mums were "calm and discussed things" with them.

I'm disappointed - in myself for going in a bit heavy handed and with her, can't quite pinpoint why.....

OP posts:
kormachameleon · 09/01/2015 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

a2011x · 09/01/2015 23:38

Ok, well this wasn't the best way to find out.

Now you need to ask her if she would like any support from you, mAybe suggest attending contraception clinic with her if she would like you to, try to get her on the implant if possible but don't be pushy as I remember from my younger days this didn't go down well with me. Unfortunately your gonna have to be 'cool with it' if you wanna stay informed about her choices, if your angry it means she probably won't want to discuss it again. Do they have a good loving relationship? The reason I ask is as someone who works In a contraception and sexual health clinic this is vital for everything going smoothly. She will be asked to go through safeguarding forms where they will ask for his age and although most of our nurses will be satisfied in the knowledge everything is ok and she is responsible but a couple of nurses I work with might chooseto dig deeper into the under 16 part of things, just to warn you.

Anyway it's down to you how you feel about it in your house, but it seems there's not much to prevent but pregnancy and STI's at the moment.

Now is the time to be keeping a close eye on the relationship between them.

Good luck!

supportingparents2014 · 10/01/2015 09:59

Don't you dare feel guilty about your initial reaction. Your allowed to feel fearful of your daughters sexual activity. You can also explain to your daughter why your reaction was 'flipped out' its not easy being parents to teens. You could apologise to her and encourage her to communicate to yourself about her maturity and that she's aware of contraception? Unfortunately you will never stop her from being sexually active. You can however help her to understand the importance of prevention of pregnancy. If she thinks you flipped out, get her to read my blog. She'll see a range of emotions of a parent who's teenage daughter had a baby.
scarleteen13.wordpress.com.

If you need any more support from a parent who understands, you can contact myself privately

K x

chocoluvva · 10/01/2015 11:22

Scarleteen is excellent IMO - very detailed, sensible advice and information on all aspects of relationships.

My DD's was a similar story to your DD's - same age in a relationship with a boy the same age as your DD's BF. The relationship lasted nearly a year. She's at uni now and has a nice bf. I don't think any/many of her friends were sexually active at that age but I read that in 2010 (I think) 25% of young people first had sex at the age of 15 and approx. 50% when they were 16. So it probably is relatively normal behaviour.

Just got a text and need to run - will finish this post later!

chocoluvva · 10/01/2015 14:30

I agree that apologising for flipping out is a good idea - hopefully your DD will understand that it's not always possible for adults to behave in the way they know they should.

The law re age of consent is to protect young people from being pressured into having sex, but IMO doesn't mean it's immoral for under 16YOs to have sex. (whether it's wise is of course a different matter) She obviously doesn't see anything wrong with having a sexual relationship with her bf so there's no point trying to impress your views of sexual morality on her.

But I'd remind her that her bf should never put pressure on her to do anything she doesn't want to and that you are available to help her if she ever needs it.

Heyho111 · 11/01/2015 17:31

Be grateful she is having sex in a loving relationship. That's the best way it could have happened.
I think your a little naive to have not thought it would happen in her situation. Apologise for going on at her. Tell her you are there for her and talk about taking her to the gp for contraception. Keep it light and chatty so she can keep coming to you for advice.

Laura123434 · 17/01/2015 22:30

Can under 18 buy lube from asda

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 17/01/2015 22:34

Don't see why not ?

Lorinicholas · 17/01/2015 22:35

I don't think you have anything to worry about, she seems sensible enough to be using a condom and practising safe sex, and personally I would rather my daughter being sexually active with a boyfriend who she has been with for the past 5 months than out having casual sex.

Be there for her for support and guidance, and suggest she goes on the pill or injection as well as using condoms.

Don't be too hard on her, otherwise she may be cautious about opening up to you in the future.

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