It has all gone so wrong and I don't know what to do (sorry long)

[bowbear]

I am at my wits end with DD(14) We have had 18 months of hell with her and I feel like I have lost all control over her behaviour. Communication between her and the rest of the family is virtually non existent. So much has happened ....overtime she has become withdrawn, uncommunicative, angry - smashed holes in and written on her bedroom walls, slashed her bed. She immerses herself in a world of fantasy/anime and spends most of her time alone. At home she is deliberately antagonistic, her behaviour is very erratic, albeit in a conscious way in that she will do something and then laugh and look for a reaction. She has friends at school but rarely chooses to socialise.

She has no respect for anything or anyone. She is a very bright girl but emotionally very immature. She has been seeing a counsellor for around 3 months and she has opened up about somethings but, with the exception of a brief period before christmas, we really aren't seeing any improvement. She has had a camhs referral and they have suggested testing for ASD (12m wait!) I am unsure whether to go ahead with this - the private counsellor does not think she would be classed as ASD and I am worried about labeling her necessarily.

I can't persuade her to join in any family outings or to even come and walk the dog with me. I am so worried about her emotional state, we are on eggshells around her. I find her behaviour really upsetting and unacceptable but the fall out from disciplining her is so unpredictable that I back down. She genuinely doesn't seem to care how her actions affect the rest of the family - she just laughs if I get upset or will coldly say I can see you are upset and then walk away. I can't believe the situation we are in and just don't know how to get things back on track. I love daughter so much and miss her desperately.

So grateful for any advice x

And please don't feel bad about yourself as a parent (if you do) or take responsibility for everything in your DD's life. No matter how brilliant a parent you were your DD would still encounter difficulties and challenges. It's sometimes hard for her and you to accept that though.

I agree with chocoluvva and through my own mistakes that its important to note and compliment what they can do and are good at. I still sometimes don't do it enough. If she is ASD or has ASD traits, she might need as my DD direct eye contact and full attention and clear logical communication. The test I mentioned via an ed psych WISC 4 is not an ASD test, but does help show how brains function and what aspects of socially and educationally they find hard and easy and for my DD, it showed her strengths too, which gave her some confidence to continue academically . It was best for us, as Im not sure my DD meets diagnosable criteria and in hospital, therapists gave her a number of different diagnoses as everyone disagreed .There seems little expertise in aspergers and girls amongst therapists . I found reading Tony Attwoods work helpful, as he brought the worlds attention to ASD and girlswww.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php/about-aspergers/girls-and-women-who-have-aspergers. Multivitamins yes, and for sleep my DD has been prescribed melatonin (slow release) for several years which helps her rest. I would advise professional advice on st johns wort, as it can have side effects like any medication..

Thanks you so much for such constructive and positive feedback. It really does help to get a little perspective and stop me rocking back in forth in a dark corner wondering what I have done so wrong!!!

A huge issue for DD is the pressure of expectation that she puts on herself - she has been so successful in everything she has undertaken so far that she just doesn't know how to handle things not working out. I am not a pushy parent and have always stressed that as long as she does her best that is all I would ever expect. Her way of coping is to distract herself through fantasy/music/smashing her walls in (!!)- just shutting it all out to ease her stress.

I'm going to get a gp apt for myself to see if I can get some support as I know that how I react/handle her emotions is going to make a big difference and so far it has take a huge toll on my well being and her Step Dad. Onward and upward!