Quick question - How much info do you insist on knowing before letting DC sleep out?

[Nameforposting]

Hi, This is new territory for me and so I'm not sure whether I'm being over-protective or not.
My Year 8 DD (with asthma and nut allergies) has started receiving invitations to sleep over at the houses of different girls from school, the invites seem to be from the girls themselves via snapchat or text.
I don't know any of these girls, and sometimes my DD hasn't even mentioned them prior to the invite.
I don't feel comfortable allowing my DD to sleep at the house of what is essentially a bunch of strangers but am I being over-involved?
Is this usual at this age?
I have in the past prevented DD from going when my DD (and/or the friend) have been unable or unwilling to give me a contact number for the parent so I can talk to them beforehand.
I'm only doubting myself because it appears (on having newer friends over here to sleep) I've had to do all the chasing about for parental contact numbers etc - the other parents haven't appeared to see contact between the two set of parents as essential.

Please share your thoughts or experiences of this age group - it was so much easier when she was at Primary School!

We have a similar thing to Thunderbirds but with an added bit: no matter what trouble yiu or your friends are in, I will come and get you and ensure you're safe. There will be no discussing of bad behaviour or mention of sanctions until the next day. GGives them some reassurance that I'm not going to turn up and have a hissy fit, thereby discouraging a phone call when they need help through fear of consequences.

Also I'd advise teenagers to have a pass code on their phones /gadgets to try to deter any hijinks.

Agreed, Chaos. Time enough to discuss what happened and why when they are safe, warm and fed.

If you don't know the parents I think its fine to call and just say thanks for having her and what time would it be convenient to collect her?
And perhaps check the address/ directions to their house ?

Maybe it's because my DS and his friends are "young for their age" as their HOY put it....DS has aspergers (his friends and their parents don't know though) and one of his best friends has SEN so DS looks after him very carefully, goes to collect him to bring him in his bike to bring him to our house, etc.

His other friends all live in different towns....somehow I end up doing 20 mile round trips to collect and drop off, or from and to the station as their parents are, apparently, too busy.

Hi, just read the OP's replies and wanted to comment. I am mum to a 13 year old DD with severe food allergies (nuts and egg) and asthma. I think there are 2 different things: there's the random-sleepover thing which starts up in secondary school; and then there is the question of dealing with severe allergy and sleepovers. DD has had some very severe reactions when out of the house, including a very serious reaction at a friend's house. 999 and epipen basically. So I've given up being laid back.

1. Sleepovers. Yep, get the details and ring up. DS swore blind that no-one else's mum ever did this, but they do. We had a rule that there is no sleepover without a parental phone number and an address. (Also had the Thunderbirds rule)

2. Allergy. DD is quite a different kettle of fish. She is pretty good with her allergies, but I cannot knowingly let her walk into trouble. So I still meet the parents, chat to the parents etc etc because if she is going to stay for a meal or overnight then we are going to have to have the Allergy Conversation. Some parents get it; some parents really don't; some parents are scared by it and don't want to have to cope.

What we do:

• I go round and have a chat and scope out the family and the house
• We check out food, I leave contact details and explain the medical bag contents and what to do in an emergency (give epipen, dial 999, call us last)
• DD takes her medical bag and her phone
• She can't stay over full stop if they smoke and she thinks very carefully if they have lots of hairy pets.

As she gets older, it is somewhat easier although it is a delicate balancing act.

Reading your post the one red flag is poor asthma control. That makes a reaction more dangerous. In your shoes I would point it out and get an Epipen. Get your DD referred to Paediatric Immunology. I know it can be really anxiety-provoking to think about all of this, but do make sure you have a plan and your DD knows it. Anaphylaxis Campaign is also very good, recommend joining if you haven't already.

Please feel free to PM me.