Teen dd - meltdown over small bedroom!

[christmaschristmaschristmas]

So, 14 yo dd bedroom is extremely small (only has a bed, wardrobe and bedside table in and to add to issues has a very low ceiling and is L-shape!) and she gets very down over it. Apparently ALL of her friends bedrooms are massive, with double beds, sofas etc. She gets invited over to theirs for sleepovers and loves them but won't invite anyone back due to embarrassment of them being uncomfortable/having to make do in a very small space. I have said to her to just invite them (if they're real friends they won't mind, it's part of the fun etc!) but she just won't.
I've suggested alternatives such as:

• having the living room where we have a sofa bed

-using brothers when he's not here, but would defeat object of sleepover as not together.

What else can we do to make things easier? She can't have a desk in there so can't work or do her homework in her room, can't have sleepovers, is uncomfortable.

I feel so bad as she is often crying over this. I worry the upset is not just over this though....

TIA MUMSNETTERS! X

If she already has access to other people but isn't forming friendships, is it because they aren't particularly compatible or because she's having trouble networking? Has it occurred to her to try to meet up with the people she meets via her hobbies, outside of her hobbies? Could she become involved in some new hobbies to help keep her busy and broaden her friendship possibilities?

I am yes, of course. Just trying to find a way to address the whole issue as I think there are other issues behind this.
Need evidence that it is weed as well other than just tobacco.. Hmmm
Feel like such a bad parent.

Shame I don't know you. I have a rather 'helpful' spaniel, who quite likes to find and signal weed in peoples pockets, when we are walking

You aren't a bad parent. If you are concerned it's weed, dig up some info about the damage it can cause growing minds and share it with her. You might never be able to find weed or it's relatives in her room but you can work on ways to inform her fully of the risks. It should make any future conversation about it a little easier and once she has a better understanding wrt the risk of psychosis, maybe she will come to her own better decision.

I do agree that whatever's going on under the surface needs to be addressed but weed use (presuming it is this) can often be a chicken v egg scenario. I'm never sure whether it is life problems or weed use which comes first but they do tend to coexist!

First of on the bedroom issue my dd has a large bedroom. It's gorgeous. She went to her friend house who bedroom and house is tiny and she loves it , says it's really cozy and homely. My dd does not do sleepovers so it's not really an issue but the girls don't mind sizes of houses etc.
I have had issues with dd this Xmas and had a post about it. I have spent tons of time with her this holiday and we have done loads together and her humour seems better and she appears happier. I was worried about bullying or depression so will watch closely when she goes back to school.
I don't know what to say about the smoking , rocky road. I smoked a little at that age and I turned into a bit of a goody two shoes.

Struggling with how I am going to approach the smoking/possibility of weed because I don't want to push her away. I really want her to open up to me about what's troubling her.
A new club in the new year sounds like a good plan, I'm thinking even if she doesn't make any new friends it's still keeping her busy?
Also am, once I've sorted the other issues, going to make an effort to make her bedroom really nice and cosy.
Ahhh dd.

On sleepovers my DD have both been though the teenage years youngest now 15 and sleepovers have always been in the lounge with the big TV etc. no issue with bedroom size.
No experience of weed sorry.

On the club side - both mine played a sport and although they didn't socialize outside of that it meant training one night a week ans the matches at the weekend so gave them something to do. There were others from their school so probably made a difference

On the weed side - I posted on her about my DS telling me about others smoking weed. One poster has just found out her DS14 is smoking and she was planning on asking the community police to have a word. Might worth posting on there to ask her to let you know how she gets on. Link below

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/2268273-DSs-friends-taking-drugs?

Sorry, have only just been able to get back on here after a bit of a whirlwind day. Took dd out for lunch and we had a long, long talk about what's troubling her. I think its a mix of friends, boys, peer pressure. She was reasonably honest but when we spoke about the smoking, and I'm quite sure it was weed, she completely denied it and told me not to be so stupid - I found it quite insulting. So I ignored this and ploughed on through telling her the detrimental effects on young people's mental health, criminal world etc. I do hope I've got the message across.
ChillySundays I may post on your thread, thank you.

My dd is in Y10, her friendship group prefer lounge sleepovers and shun beds!! They fall asleep together on the floor in front of the tv. Most important to them is if they are made to feel welcome in a home by the rest of the family. Dominos pizza goes down well too!

My ds went to a sleepover recently where the teenage siblings had to share a bedroom and they are a brother and sister. The sleepover was in the lounge and even though they all knew about the shared bedroom, no-one thought it odd or if they did, they didn't comment about it.