20 year old son and bullyish behaviour

[getoffthephonenoworelse]

My ds who turned 20 in October smokes weed, he has admitted this in the past and I'm sure he has taken other drugs too. He lives at home and attends a local college 23 miles away 3 days a week. He received his grant in October and spent every last penny on god knows what so myself and dh have been subbing him. We decided that for his main Christmas present we would get him driving lessons along with paying for him to repeat his theory test.He also got clothes and other bits and pieces. He does very little about the house and anything we ask him to do he will do after lots of nagging or dp and myself end up doing it. He has not had a job since August 2013 as we know he told lies to the manager and was not doing his job. He still tells lies at home even about simple stuff eg did you walk the dog, did you bring the bin down for the refuse collectors. I cannot believe that he still tells lies at 20 years old and it also makes me wonder what lies does he tell about "big stuff"
He went out 25th Dec night with some of the Christmas money he received from other relatives and wanted some money from me and his Dad last night (26th Dec) so he could go out again. I was heading out to work and said that I didn't have any money and his dd hadn't any money on him either. When I had left for work my husband came back into the kitchen and my ds asked him for money again, my dh explained that he didn't have any money on him. Ds pointed out that we (his parents) always had enough money if there was anything in particular we wanted. Dh explained to him that we both worked hard and that we all had had a lovely christmas with everyone having enough to eat and drink with presents. Ds then told dh that driving lessons were a crap present etc etc. Dh knew not to get into an argument with him as ds can become verbally aggressive and its a no win situation so dh left to go and visit my mother who lives across the road, when he returned dd informed her dd that ds had left in a car 10 mins earlier. He has no doubt gone out to get drugs. I hate to say this but I don't like my son and he certainly wasn't brought up to treat his fmaily with such contmpt. I don't know how to handle this anymore, I'm tired of his attitude and worry for his future. I worry for my and dh future as well as I don't think we can put up with him for much longer. sorry for any typing and grammer mistakes.

I think the time has probably come for him to move out. It is so easy to pander to our children but it does them no favours. If he doesn't have to start paying his own way he will still be at home, controlling your lives, in five years.20 is too old to be behaving like a teenager and if he is moving in drug circles you need to be careful your support is not enabling him. It might be worth renting him a room with you paying the first months rent and telling him he has to manage from there. It sounds odd that a 20 year old man does not to drive. So he might be in that apathetic state of mind habitual drug users get but since he still goes to college he clearly is not stuck there yet. Good luck.

How horrible for you, that he's behaving in this way. Given his lack of appreciation for/ understanding of the safety net you are providing, I'd be very tempted to remove it for a time, if not altogether.

I like Feel's idea of renting a room to him. Is there any particular reason he can't work? I'd be concerned about weed based apathy setting in too and if he couldn't secure a job soon, volunteering could be a good use of time?

Wrt subbing, if he isn't earning it, maybe he just shouldn't have it? It sounds like he has no real need to work at present!

Definitely he needs to move out and I speak as a parent to 3dc in their 20's all living independently and no it has not been plain sailing for all of them but in my experience, the more you enable them to remain "stuck in a teenage role" the more some of them will take advantage. Good luck but this is where "tough love" needs to be used.

Time for him to pack his bags and get a taste of real life.

Chat with your husband and sort out a plan of action then both of you have a chat with your son. Tell him what is expected of him or he can find somewhere else to live.

That kind of stroppy behaviour I expect in my 15 yr old. I wouldn't tolerate it from my eldest.

My first thought reading this is , does he have a drug addiction and I'm not talking about weed. Or may be mental health issues.
I think there is a bigger issue going on than being spoilt or nasty. Demanding money etc is not looking good.
He could be just very immature and acting like a teen where jobs round the house and lying is concerned. But I would perhaps look at whether you're facing addiction. Sorry this must be hard.

Thanks for all your replies, i suppose all the things you have all mentioned have been going through both mine and dh mind. He can be such a loving child and then when he doesn't get his own way becomes nasty and rude. We have thought that maybe he is depressed as he has put on an awful lot of weight within the past 6 months, he does seem to be doing well with his course though and does talk about when he gets a job, married etc. I suppose one of the hardest things is to see a child that you have loved, made sacrifices for etc throwing it all back in your face. I have thought about asking him to move out, but would the dhss have to find him a place. I know we have a hard road ahead and I just feel so weary

I have a 19yo dd exactly like this! She's lazy, won't wash, no longer at college, drinks whatever money she does get, doesn't want to work but does nothing to help around the house.
If I say anything she tells me to get off her back, so at the start of December I told her she had a month to get a job or she had to leave. She hasn't, so I now have the huge task of telling her she has to go at the start of a New Year. I feel terrible and although I know I have to follow through with this, I just don't know if I can.
She says she's not bothered and she'll sleep in doorways which makes me feel awful (which is what she wants!)
I know my parents will have her for a while and she's been in touch with a HA regarding a hostel place or a room, but tbh I just can't cope with it anymore.

I think it's the guilt you feel as a parent that you have somehow been responsible in how they have turned into this not very nice person. Ds knows how to play the guilt card and knows that we have warned him in the past that he will have to move out if his behaviour continues but at the end of the day where can he go.
Both me and dh have responsible jobs and have in the past had parents confide in us about their childrens behaviour which is similar to ds. It's easier giving advice rather than having to act out on advice we have been given. We love him so much but maybe that's the problem.

Getoff and Constantly, your concern for them is so lovely and I see that 'where will they go?' is a massive worry.

They are adults though and where they will go is really for them to sort out. Many people have their own places at 16 and by 20, have had to fully learn to stand on their own two feet! I'm not saying this is ideal either but you have both definitely provided your DC with a very extended period of care already.

They will manage you know, when the time comes that they have to, they just will