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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

My 13 year old is smoking weed, advice needed!

39 replies

Alvah · 21/12/2014 21:00

I have been reeling from a revelation that my son (13) has been smoking weed/green/pollen. I have no idea how long this has been going on, if he is addicted or why he is doing it. I am yet to confront him with it tomorrow when I see him for the first time after finding out. Him and a group of friends had arranged a party at a girls house on a Saturday. They arranged to steal alcohol from parents and to buy drugs. The house was wrecked, my son had gotten really drunk (and I assume stoned) and was sick on the carpet and apparently had a rage in the girl's mum's bedroom. Then he had fallen asleep, then they went to Tesco and lastly he went home for his dinner at his dad's at 6. We were completely unaware as he always seems 'normal' when he comes home from being out with friends. He admitted to have drunk 'a beer' at the party and been there, but his lack of involvement in the 'trouble' was a complete lie. This was revealed in a group facebook chat they had had before the party. He was non-chalantly arranging to bring weed and said things like 'the stuff we had the other day'... I feel sick to my stomach and unbelievably disappointed. I feel like it is a bad dream that I am just hoping to wake up from. Knee-jerk reaction is to not let him go out again apart from to school, order drug tests (as apparently it is available at school!!!) and make him pay for damages done to the house. He is not showing signs of taking responsibility yet, but I hope to God he can see that what he has done is seriously out of order. If not we have even more problems... Should I inform the school, perhaps anonymously, in order to ensure they are aware of the problem? Should I make him take drug tests randomly and say that if it is positive I will inform the police? What do I do? I have two younger children too, I worry that he will make them think it's okay to use drugs. Any help deeply appreciated.

OP posts:
Omolara1996 · 07/10/2019 19:54

Hi do you mind me asking how things are now? I've never used this site before but clearly worried and sharing similar situations x

ginandbearit · 09/10/2019 09:13

Mnhq can we pin this ? So many people are finding out their very young children are using and need support and guidance on this

I'm counselling distraught parents this evening ...I'm an ex drugs counsellor ...they have a 17 yr old dealing from the house , explosive violence and police involvement .
We will be exploring a number of options but my caveat is that what works for one person won't necessarily work for another and what worked yesterday probably wont work tomorrow .Sorry to say no magic wands here , this is a terrible issue that has long term damage to families in every part of the country .

Mummytime12 · 13/01/2020 04:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Songbird0 · 26/02/2023 09:22

Hi Alvah - Can I please ask how things have turned out for your child? I see this post was a few years ago now but grateful for advice on how this turned out.

AlvahReturns · 11/03/2023 22:15

Hi Songbird, I can't log into my old account, but your comment came to my email address and I wanted to reply 🙂

He is doing well. He is 22 now and is managing fine in life with work, social life, finances, and within our family. He is a very pleasant young man who is awar5if the mistakes he made and has learnt from them.

What followed on from my original post was perhaps 3-4 years of intense worry. He got himself in trouble and things were looking a bit hairy...gradually I had to let go of trying to stop him doing what he was going to do anyway and as soon as I let go, things started to improve. It is a lot easier to let go of a 16 year old than a 13 year old though, 14 to 15 was the very worst. It took me several years after he had calmed down to recover from the stress and anxiety.

Hope that helps. Best wishes to you 💕

AlvahReturns · 11/03/2023 22:18

Sorry, I've not been on here for several years. I've shared an update a few minutes ago having made a new account.

Sorry to hear you had similar worries.

Only thing I can say that things CAN get better 💕

Songbird0 · 12/03/2023 13:08

Hi AlvahReturns,

Thanks so much for replying. Its a big help. Its great to hear that everything has worked out well with your boy 😊 it shows a glimmer of light.

When you mention you had to gradually let go of trying to stop him, what specifically did that entail if you dont mind me asking? Was it to allow the natural consequences to happen & stepping back from pushing interventions? And was there a turning point moment for him or was it a case of him just becoming more mature and aware of the reality of it all?

Thank you!

cdactivist · 22/04/2024 12:33

Hey folks.
Late to the party but there's a lot of good info here & I figure people will keep coming back or discovering this thread.

I would like to offer some thoughts and insight on the subject of smoking weed, as I was a smoker until my late 20s so I can perhaps offer a different angle.

I also have a 16yr old son, who's also smoking weed (not our wish but I'll get into this)

First up is there is a big difference between smoking weed and smoking weed with tobacco.
It's rarely discussed, other than on pro-weed sites but a 40+yr friend of mine, who smokes weed medicinally to deal with his adhd (he can't tolerate the normal meds), explains it simply that weed on it own is a natural high, whereas with tobacco, it becomes a very narcotic hit.
I always smoked with tobacco and it took me a long time to realise I was chasing the hit, that the tobacco/weed (or hash) combination was providing.

This actually resulted in me constantly smoking, because I wanted the initial hit, far more than the weed high, which sits on you for sometime after the joint.

I'm not saying tobacco-free smoking is a good thing but I wanted to purposely talk about tobacco in the mix, as I came to liken the use of tobacco with weed as "washing up" the weed which is a term used for converting cocaine into crack cocaine (which is massively more intense & addictive than normal cocaine for anyone not familiar).
Just to explain and alleviate any alarm with this, using tobacco with weed has a similar effect, as the hit is much more intense, it wears off quickly and leaves the user chasing that hit over and over.

Hope that makes sense as the distinction between the two methods is important-enough that you should know and possibly explore this.

I eventually stopped using tobacco (huge battle as many tobacco smokers will know) and after that, weed-only joints became a bit boring so I stopped really easily.

Therefore, some parents may find tobacco-removal and good place to start.

Onto our son. He's old enough to earn so he'll pay for his weed.
We're working on tobacco removal but I won't lie. It's difficult as his claim is he'll go through it too quick, so he keeps coming back to tobacco.

However, I think he is much more anxious and tetchy after using tobacco with weed than without and I have a working theory that tobacco is frequently in the mix around mental health issues. I'm just a parent though, so cannot substantiate this other than from what I have experienced.
Food for thought perhaps..

BTW as others mention, you can't stop them - it's true, as kids will find a way and the more restrictions in place, from our experience, the worse things became.
It did with me. I was terrible tbh but luckily things came good eventually.
A supportive environment with certain rules is the middle ground for us.

Onto some of the previous comments about schools and authorities.
Obviously everyone's experience will be different to the next person but here's ours.

Our son had trouble with the law last year and is coming to the end of a referral order (he was lucky to not be jailed. That was violence and not drugs).

However, the school pastoral team keep pulling him out of classes, trying to get him to "snitch" on troublemakers and dealers.
They really turned on our son, so we took him out and switched to home schooling instead.

Having experienced something similar myself when I was that age, my advice is be very certain what you are getting into, if talking to the school.
Sure, some will be fine but ours even reported our son back to the police with various suspicions which were completely unfounded, which wasted police time and resulted in no further action being applied by the police (who were really unhappy with the school).

The police were a mixed bag. Some are pretty decent - those involved in youth crime especially as at that age, they're very keen to keep offenders out of the system etc.

Those who just deal with whatever the next call is though - and this is strictly our experience - we felt were really underhand.
Therefore the message here is be very aware what you're getting into if you contact the police.

Ask yourself if there are any alternatives first. FRANK has been mentioned here for example.
That's more advisory from experience but there are often local counselling resources etc.

We also found the police looked to getting information and we had a few very pushy conversations where they wanted our son to snitch on dealers and the like, but there would have been zero protection to repercussions - which 100% would have happened as weed is often rolled out by gangs, so you can see the dilemma here.

Hope this helps. I don't have a solution but look into the tobacco use.

All the best

carolann124 · 24/04/2024 20:21

You guys are all idiots. Weed has no addictive substances within it. There have been no deaths EVER to marijuana. You can't just say you have failed as a mother. Ask why, when and where, calmly. I smoke weed, I am perfectly fine. Every other country allows weed, just not us. Read up on it!

missymarmite · 25/04/2024 07:25

carolann124 - the smoking weed in itself isn't the problem. The problem is that most 13 year old kids don't have the money to buy it, so often they turn to criminal behaviour to get hold of the cash to buy. Either theft, or dealing drugs themselves. Buying an illegal substance puts them in contact with a criminal element that has no qualms about inculcating children into crime.

And while I agree that cannabis itself isn't chemically addictive, it can have very negative affects on the mental health of teenagers who use it frequently. Furthermore, usually is is smoked with tobacco that is very harmful and addictive.

I wrote about my son back in 2019. Shortly after I wrote that post, he found his friend dead from a drug overdose. They were both 15 at that point. The drugs were opioids.

Fortunately, since then, my son has stopped taking drugs and is now 20. But he has been forever changed, and traumatized.

famlam · 02/05/2024 22:23

carolann124 · 24/04/2024 20:21

You guys are all idiots. Weed has no addictive substances within it. There have been no deaths EVER to marijuana. You can't just say you have failed as a mother. Ask why, when and where, calmly. I smoke weed, I am perfectly fine. Every other country allows weed, just not us. Read up on it!

@carolann124 ….. my son is 17 and is dependent on weed. It has changed his whole personality. He is aggressive, lazy and paranoid. He is making our once harmonious family life miserable. My husband has cancer and it is breaking his heart. He used to be a gentle, intelligent and fun boy.

Newtonianmechanics · 03/05/2024 10:57

Thank you for those that have shared positive stories.

I have found my daughter using dab pens and edibles. The pens are tiny I don't know how potent and the edibles are nerds and snickers.

I am worried about the use, her mental health issues canm before the weed. She is ADHD but she says it helps her cope with living and it helps her eat.

She is very thin, unmotivated and failing her exams.

Again this could have happened anyway but I worry about how often it is. I think its too much.

missymarmite · 08/05/2024 22:26

Newtonianmechanics · 03/05/2024 10:57

Thank you for those that have shared positive stories.

I have found my daughter using dab pens and edibles. The pens are tiny I don't know how potent and the edibles are nerds and snickers.

I am worried about the use, her mental health issues canm before the weed. She is ADHD but she says it helps her cope with living and it helps her eat.

She is very thin, unmotivated and failing her exams.

Again this could have happened anyway but I worry about how often it is. I think its too much.

Hi Newtonianmrchanics, I'm no expert and I can only go by my own experiences. There is very little you can do as a parent if your child decides to take substances. The best you can do is keep an open dialogue.

Looking back on my own situation, my son was deeply unhappy due to an absent father, and a recently soured relationship with his stepfather (my husband). So often I hear of teenagers self medicating for various reasons; your DD ADHD, my DS, deep unhappiness.

If I may share my benefit of hindsight; don't panic. I made a lot of mistakes. I panicked. I called the police on my son in the belief it would "scare him straight" not because he was smoking canabis, but due to the fact that he had already been caught shoplifting to pay for his habit, and then stole from us at home. This backfired in that it only alienated him from us. The police were friendly enough and I suppose they tried to help in their own way, but DS had already bought into his peer group's and drug dealer's opinions about "the pigs." Subsequently, the police would follow him around and harass him, which he took as racism (he is mixed race and sticks out like a sore thumb in our little rural, predominantly white, town).

Despite this, and all the issues we had during those years, the one thing that my son values now looking back, was that I never stopped caring. Even at the lowest point, when I eventually had to throw him out because he was physically abusive, I never stopped showing concern. The lines of communication have always been open.

I have no answers. Be strong. Always show love. That is all you can do.

Newtonianmechanics · 09/05/2024 18:09

Thank you @missymarmite.

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