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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Dd refusing to do DofE- angry!!!

27 replies

chickensaresafehere · 26/11/2014 16:35

Daughter is 14,really keen,in the beginning,to enrol on bronze DofE,I was pleased as I thought she would enjoy it & it would build her self confidence.
So paid the 20 pounds enrolment fee & went to a parents evening about it.She then declares she doesn't want to do it anymore,because she cannot be bothered & it's too much work as well as school
We had a massive falling out over it the other night,but she's sticking to her guns even though I've said I'll be very disappointed in her.
So I've told her she has to pay me the money back
Bloody teenagers !!!!!!

OP posts:

usualsuspect333 · 26/11/2014 16:39

It's her choice though, No point falling out over it.

SunnyBaudelaire · 26/11/2014 16:42

I totally understand ur rage - my dd did more or less the same and I was furious because it had been HER idea and the week I paid the sub things were really tight.
No point in being too angry though I suppose...grrrrr

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 26/11/2014 16:43

Too late,we have fallen out over it!!I should have known really,she moans about having to bring home her cooking projects from school,so maybe the DofE was a stretch too far

OP posts:

usualsuspect333 · 26/11/2014 16:47

Have a grrr and then move on

She will be quite busy with her GCSEs over the next couple of years though.

SunnyBaudelaire · 26/11/2014 16:50

same here chickens.... I really should have known - have some cake

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 26/11/2014 16:51

Oh yes she will!
And she's really turned it round from last year,when the teachers weren't happy with her attitude in class,but this year they were praising her & saying how well she was doing.
You can't have everything I suppose !!

OP posts:

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 26/11/2014 16:52

Sounds like your dd is similar to mine Sunny

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 26/11/2014 16:52

And you are right to get her to pay back the £20. Just be grateful you hadn't invested in a shed load of kit for the expedition!

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 26/11/2014 16:54

Thanks Leeds,she WILL pay it back!!

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MrsMcRuff · 26/11/2014 16:57

I so understand your frustration.

Similar situation with ds1 (some years ago). Loved the hikes and overnight camp organised by school. When it came to having to arrange volunteer work, learn new skill etc., couldn't be arsed. Actually said "I can do it later, it says here you've got till you're 25 to complete it", to mollify me!

Ds2, with a certain amount of 'help' from me (I organised for him to assist at ds3's Cubs for the 'volunteer' bit, behind his back) actually completed everything! Three years ago! Never bothered to get it all signed off.........No Bronze Award........yet. but hopeful.

Am not holding my breath for ds3, although maybe he'll buck the trend and go for Gold!!

Definitely try and get the £20 back. It'll make you feel slightly better!

Heyho111 · 26/11/2014 17:22

I understand how you feel but she is right. It took over my daughters life and added massively to the stress of the first year of gcse's.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 26/11/2014 17:29

The DofE is a huge commitment. Better that she drops out now, rather than halfway through.

My DD is doing her silver and ds1 his bronze and they spend a lot of time volunteering at the youth centre, playing sports, it's not just about the hiking, there's hours and hours of other stuff.
I think you have to be really committed from the start. A lot of kids think they want to do it, think it sounds like fun, then go to the meeting and find out what they have to do and decide it's not what they thought it was. That's what the meetings are for- so you can decide if you have enough time to commit to it.

I wouldn't be angry with her for dropping out at this point- otoh I would be fuming if they dropped out halfway through.

MrsQueen · 26/11/2014 17:33

It's a huge time commitment and expensive - she was interested, but then has learnt more about it, thought about it, and decided she doesn't want to.

I agree she should pay you back the £20, but tbh I don't understand why this makes you angry? It's her decision as to whether or not it's a good idea. Much better she pulls out now than half way through.

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 26/11/2014 17:39

Ok point taken,you're right it's her decision & better she decides not to do it now rather than later.

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bigTillyMint · 26/11/2014 19:51

I agree - it is a huge commitment and it is good that she has realised now that it is too much for her to manage before you fork out for anything else. She probably didn't realise when she initially signed up.

chocoluvva · 26/11/2014 20:03

If it makes you feel better, my DD dropped out of doing the silver expedition, thereby making one of her teammates feel he had to do it to have enough people to make up the group despite having a very sore foot. DD reckoned she was too busy. Then she spent the whole of the expedition weekend shopping and loafing around at her friend's house.

But she continued with her volunteering at a charity shop for two years. Perhaps when she's a little bit older your DD could do some volunteering. It was definitely the most useful bit of DD's DofE.

FWIW - the two uni admissions officers who spoke to her at open days both said they don't mind what you put in the personal statement for your uni application. (I suspect that bronze D of E's are ten a penny)

bigTillyMint · 26/11/2014 20:17

And my DD didn't sign up at all in the first place

I am really glad as she struggles to keep up with everything she has on and school work and is always tired and moaning! Plus I cannot see her tramping across muddy fields with a massive pack on her back

Luckily she is still heavily involved in her sport in a coaching capacity and that will be something meaty to put on her uni application. God knows what I put on mine - I didn't do anything!

chocoluvva · 26/11/2014 20:33

The expedition preparation was pretty tedious at the centre DD went to. They'd probably get more out of camping with the scouts or guides. And the kit list for DofE.........

I'm sure it is a good thing to do. But I honestly think it's overrated.

Back in my day ....DofE hadn't been invented. But seriously, nobody was expected to fill every spare minute doing 'constructive' activities. As long as she has a hobby she'll be fine.

Caravanoflove · 26/11/2014 20:37

I don't think the D of E really carries as much weight on uni applications as people hope. I sat on a med school interview panel and everyone had it, I didn't even register it.
It's an awful lot of time and energy that could be better spent elsewhere in my opinion.

morethanpotatoprints · 26/11/2014 20:45

You are disappointed in your child because she doesn't want to do something
Maybe if you weren't disappointed in her she may not need a confidence boost.
Can you not praise for something.
The confidence to think she could do it in the first instance, the ability to communicate that after all it wasn't for her rather than going ahead for the sake of it.

TheFirstOfHerName · 26/11/2014 20:58

DS1 wanted to sign up for D of E, but missed the deadlines because of medical appointments.

DH & I both did it, but I wasn't overwhelmed by the idea of DS1 doing it.
The expedition part wouldn't have been a problem; DS1 has done his Gold Scout award so has the kit.
It was the time commitment that concerned me: he is studying for 11 GCSEs and is involved in various youth things at church. He also runs. He has been chronically unwell for much of the last year and I want the rest of his free time to be just for relaxation.

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 27/11/2014 10:11

Have calmed down now & agree with the replies.Shes going to pay the money back & we have left it there!
And I do praise her,as I said she's turned her schoolwork & attitude to it around since last year & Im very,very proud of her for that.

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chocoluvva · 27/11/2014 13:24

My DCs used to specialise in deciding to quit groups just after we'd bought kit/paid for a term/put our names down on the rota....

kleinzeit · 27/11/2014 18:26

My DS’s DofE group leader was wise to that MrsMcRuff – they couldn’t do the camping until they’d finished everything else. My DS did the volunteering etc just to “earn” the trips.

I was very happy for him to do DofE because it encouraged him to do some things he wouldn’t have done otherwise, like volunteering and getting some regular exercise(!) and it got him off the sofa and out of the house now and again. But I don’t think it’s important in itself, not if your kid is already doing other activities. DS has signed up for Gold but he’s busy with a tough exam year ahead and some part-time work too, so I’m not too bothered if he doesn’t continue.

I think it’s fair to ask for the money back. I wouldn’t make her complete it but she has to at least have a go or else return the money.

myotherusernameisbetter · 29/11/2014 23:04

Does she have a history of saying she wants to do something and then changing her mind?

Is it really laziness or is there something else behind it?

If it is just sheer laziness I'd ask for the money but it would depend on the circumstances. It's okay to feel disappointed, probably not okay to make her feel bad about it if there are other reasons behind it.

In our school, they aren't allowed to do the expedition unless they have made clear progress and uploaded evidence before it. tbh, for a reasonably active teenager the Bronze level is a bit of a scoot.

DS1 doing it at the moment and it's not stretching him at all really though I do expect it to get much more of a commitment at Silver and Gold if he chooses to keep on with it.

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