Is it too late for the morning after pill - ds13

[crje]

He is very self absorbed.
Favourite subject is himself.
Its draining to spend time with him.

He is having tantrums and was horrible to dh yesterday. Using foul language when he was challenged for not doing chores.
We were all upset afterwards.
He was sheepish for a bit but put it behind him very quickly.

Today he was moaning to his older brother about yesterday . Saying it was none of my business and he isn't going to take crap from dh.

His two older brothers were never like this . Ds is the youngest and was let away with more than them.

I haven't a good thing to say about him at the moment.

What to do ?

I feel your pain.

Ds14 is just horrible right now, and he gets on my nerves by just entering the room. still love him though!!

they can be such hard work

Don't let him treat you and dh like crap, but try not to let him wind you up too much. Practice some assertive but emotionally neutral responses in preparation for all the "fuck off"s and "I hate you"s. You don't need to attend every row he invites you to; if you do your home could be like a war zone for years.
My dd1 was a bloody nightmare when she was 13. Spitting down the stairs, smashing up her room etc. She's 15 now and mostly a decent human being these days. I think teenagers get big doses of stress hormones coursing through them (much like toddlers) and that can make them act like little shits, but it doesn't last forever.

You don't need to attend every row he invites you to; if you do your home could be like a war zone for years.

That is super advice Alfalf thanks

Anyfucker -yes please

Dietstartsmonday - ??

mine has just loudly announced that there are no fucking bowls for ceral .

that would be cos they are all dirty in your room DS

Mine just arrived down for a drink and said he was thinking about learning to play the piano !!

I'm living in the twilight zone . I wish it had a free bar

Oh I am so glad it isn't just us.

I could have written your post with all the goings on with DS1 who seems to think that shouting at me or his siblings will make everything happen the way he wants. I try to not react but after 15minutes of being shouted at it just gets the better of me and escalates and ends up with "I hate you, your an idiot"

Any tips for defusing situations would be helpful

Ds3, in particular, was dreadful at that age. He was absolutely horrible - hair-trigger temper, not trying at school, moody at home. I wanted to nail him into a barrel, and keep him there until he was 18, feeding him through the bunghole, until he was 18, when I would decide whether he had become civilised enough to be let out, or whether I was just going to drive in the bung.

I am going to market this idea to the Dragons' Den - the TeenagerBarrel™ - I will make my fortune.

He is now 17, and whilst he still has struggles with his temper sometimes, he is far more civilised - much less moody at home, much better at self-motivation when it comes to school work, has got himself a part time job as a kitchen porter in a local restaurant, so he can save up for a holiday after his final exams, is applying to university, and is generally much nicer to live with.

So grit your teeth, dream about nailing your teenager into a barrel, and tell yourself 'this too shall pass'.

You might also want to read 'Divas and Doorslammers' - by Charlie Taylor. His book talks about how teenagers brains are basically restructuring during the teenage years, and how this means that they lose some abilities that they had before - like empathy and impulse/temper control - but crucially that these do come back when the changes in their brains have finished happening. That made a lot of sense to me, and helped me get through ds3's teenage years without needing a new patio.

So reassuring to know it's not just us, misery does love company.

I posted in pre-teen this morning about DS 10 telling me to fuck off out of his room this morning, I lurk on the teenage board because it's like he's 14 sometimes. Despite his "episode" this morning I've just been to his parents evening where I've been told his behaviour is "impeccable" his English and wiring is of high school standard too! I came in all chuffed to bits ready to squeeze him because I was proud to find the little sod has spent £7 dinner money change on sugary shite!

Sorry I thought you meant your DS needed it for his GF!

No help I know.

You don't need to attend every row he invites you to blimey this is the best advice I could ever have had when DS1 was growing up, thanks I will add this as a mantra on my fridge.

He was suspended from school today , he started a fight.
Going to get a recommendation for a child psychologist from my gp

The school said he was still denying his part in the fight even as they watched it on cctv
He refuses to see that he is the problem. In his world its always somebody else's fault.

It's so hard

Silver lining...I thought you were going to say his girlfriend was pregnant!

I share your pain .

DS2 is 13 and is/was a lovely lad - he was the happiest, sweetest, most laid back & kind of all of my DCs right up until the age of about 12.

Now he is attitude on a plate. Yesterday he had a two hour strop because I banned him from the Xbox. Even though I banned him because he had been using it to send nasty messages to a lad he'd fallen out with!!

Sometimes we have lovely, 'normal', DS2 with us and it's amazing. Sometimes we have the hormonal version & it's hell.

On a lighter note, 17 year old DS1 is now pretty much a kind, thoughtful, generally decent young man after a couple of years of pulling our hair out with him!

I just can't wait for DD to hit puberty .

*The school said he was still denying his part in the fight even as they watched it on cctv
He refuses to see that he is the problem. In his world its always somebody else's fault. *

They do that.

He'll also think/say that's its unimportant because it's over. This is how teens see things, just in snippets of time. They don't have the awareness to reflect on what they've done either.

One off consequences make no difference to them, they don't associate the punishment with the crime.

In some ways its good he has to take responsibility for what happens in his school world. Although you will find it very tempting to add to his suspension, try not to.

All you can do is stay calm, and unemotively tell him it's not to happen again. Don't try and reason, or justify that will open the door to the conversation going off at a tangent. Just say it and walk away.

And keep saying it. It will sink in, eventually.

Why do we not add to his punishment ?? Should we not also punish the bad behaviour ?

He has to write out Geography history & science chapters during school hours .
After that he has free time but in his room.
Technology is banned.
If I leave the house I make him come.

Plan to do this until Sunday

Will the punishment not make him think twice the next time.

im fuming - he was a nasty bastard to another boy.

Ugh I feel your pain my 13 year old son is exactly the same. So much so I am trotting off to the school in an hour.

Took him to the GP to get him referred to Camhs and they won't even assess him.

Financial wizard-We got in the door of CAHMs in June for initial assessment but as ds wasn't self harming they discharged him.
It is a stretched service
Good luck in an hour.

crje

Why not add to his punishment?

Because the only person getting any benefit from that is you?

You feel in control by doing it, but in reality you are not in control of what he does at school. The school is.

This is part of growing up, school is his independent world, it has a whole stack of quite rigid rules and he has broken them.

The consequences are the school's to deal with. It's an experience of an outsode world he needs to learn to live in.

He will have realised he's gone too far, is probably embarrassed but his behaviour and his conscience has got the better of him which is why maybe he will go aong with your additional punishment. For now.

Take that as a good sign that the right from wrong you taught him from childhood has sunk in, his teenage rage/hormones/whatever have just got the better of him.

The only thing you need to add to the school punishment is 'Is there anything you want to talk about?'

Then you might find out if he has something he's struggling to deal with.

I doubt you'll find that out if you try and restore, albeit temporarily, a confrontational parent/child 'do as I say' type realtionship between you as 'punishment'.

Hesnotamessiah

thanks for explaining.

We had similar issue in sept and we were all understanding and forgiving. School gave punishment and it was done.

This week without provocation walked up to the same lad and started the fight again.
He did it and he is acting like the victim.

The school won't tolerate it much longer.

Is sitting in his room punishment enough ? We need a deterrent
to stop this from happening again.

Crje, does ds have anger management issues? If so it might be worth getting some support for that?

We are getting some help ,
wait is 6-8 weeks.

thanks everyone for the feedback

crje

I'm not sure I ever said be forgiving. It was wrong and you should be completely clear that's not acceptable.

All I said was that extending the punishment would be of no benefit to him, but might make you feel more in control of the situation.

Has he been in this situation before? Just picking fights ? Does he do it out of school as well?

You've not said so and I'm guessing he hasn't. Which suggests he has a particular issue with this one lad? And something is triggering it, might be more subtle than you think and probably insignificant to an adult.

Do you know from the school or friends or from him whether this is the case?

Sure, have that conversation about suspension and expulsion from school. Make it clear that he will have to go to a new school, lose all his school friends and probably be isolated in his new school when kids find out he picks fights, or worse get ebaten up by the 'tough kids'.

Talk to him about the more mature behaviour is to ignore this other lad and walk away.

Just don't expect him to react immediately. He might well scream and shout about you being on his case, lecturing him and to leave him alone. That there's nothing wrong, because he's deal with it and in his teenage mind that's it over, he doesn't understand why everyone else is getting so het up about it.

And the part of him that does feel guilty is being shouted down by the part of him that is struggling with his desire to break away from you and his dad and everything you say and all that you stand for. That balance will change over time as he gets more life experience indpendently from you.

You've got 6-8 weeks to wait for... counselling I presume, why not get that book SDTG suggested?

I read 'Get Out of My Life, but first take me and Alex into town', which is along similar lines, and often mentioned in this thread. Armed with the understanding of teenage development, you might well see a different way ahead.

Good luck though!