How to help dd with shyness

[Chumhum]

Dd is in year 11 and has always struggled to make friends, she's quite open about this and often asks her younger sister how she does it. She didn't feel that she fitted in at primary school or most of secondary, but has begun to have more friends since they started GCSE's. She very rarely sees her friends out of school mostly because they come from families who don't encoura this so she spends a lot of time in her room.

I always thought that she'd just grow out of her shyness but I'm beginning to feel that it's become quite entrenched. Dh and I had some new friends around a few weeks ago and dd got into quite a state when I asked her to just pop her head around the door and say hello, the same happened when I booked her a hair appointment. I insisted that she went and she immediate apologised after saying that I'd be right and she was grateful that I made her go.

I'd like to help her without beings ghastly overbearing parent. A lot of her teachers say that her shyness is becoming a problem at school as she doesn't join in discussions which she needs to do and will be even more of an issue next year when she's doing A levels. Having said that she does actively join in with RS because she really enjoys it, likes the teacher and has a good group of friends in that class.

Can I help, should I just leave her to it and hope she gains more confidence - I'm just worried really.

She sounds just like how I was at that age. That's when alcohol became handy (Not advising it of course!)

I was really shy too at that age and sat at home a lot. What really made a difference was getting a part time job as a waitress when I was 17 because I had to talk to people. I got loads of confidence from that. Does your dd have time for a job? I know it's hard to find one at that age so maybe voluntary work.

I had social phobia when I was a teenager and hated being in the spotlight. I didn't know it had a name back then but I do know it was tough. I got over it myself as the years went by but Idid lean on alcohol as a teen just so that I could socialise. As you can imagine that was very very bad idea.

Perhaps you could have a chat with her RS teacher because your DD seems to be coping very well in her class. I would keep it confidential though because people who are shy hate it when anyone comments.

One of my relations is a psychologist and she told me she sees teenagers with these type of issues. In my day it was called shyness but looking back my shyness was debilatating so I don't really mind what it is called. Maybe your DD would benefit from seeing someone.

Perhaps you could suggest her joining a sport like martial arts to improve her confidence. I hope you work it out.

Thank you all for your posts, obviously alcohol isn't the best solution although unlike me at that age she's not interested. We did talk about it with her RS teacher last week at parents eve and he talked about her taking part in a debating club he runs, in he talked about it last parents eve but she was too shy to join so I menti it and this time he suggested she just come and watch, which she says she'll do this week. Hooray for good teachers.

I've also thought about her getting a job perhaps after the exams as they'll have a long summer holiday, one problem we have is that she's an August birthday so won't be 16 until then. DH has suggested she could work for him as he has lots of grads and works in quite a cool company so she might like it and get something to put on her CV other than being skilled at Sims.

Maybe I need to just bide my time with her, I was shy too when I was young and you'd never believe it now.

Grs news about her being interested in the debating club and working for your DH. Very positive indeed. She is very lucky to have you as her mum. Some teachers really are fantastic aren't they!

Skilled in Sims too? Heh I was absolutely addicted to The Sims 2 at her age, it got me through the long holidays.

I have to agree with the poster above, she's very lucky to have you as her mum!

My DD used to be very shy but then she started doing theatresports, debating and other similar activities. It helped a lot with her confidence - I would definitely recommend any drama clubs her school has to offer.

It all changed for me when I got myself a waitressing job aged 16.