Facebook

[misspollysdollyridesagain]

Just wondering if anyone else out there is still saying no to their teen DC's pained requests for Facebook. DD is 15 and her asking is becoming more persistent. We have been consistent with our response and reasons for saying no - and I don't feel that any of these have changed - but the usual plaintive cries 'Everyone else's parents would let me' and 'it's just so unfair' are relenting. Would love to hear from others who are still trying to hold back the waves....

Just for the record, I'm not strictly anti-FB and fully understand how it works. I have been on it for 8 years myself. So I'm not a Luddite who knows nothing of these new-fangled ideas. Our reasons are mostly around disastrous friendship issues in RL that have persisted for years 7, 8 and 9 and involved texts, Stardoll and emails. We have just said a fairly straight No, not until RL relationships improve. There are a few complications as DD is adopted and so we are nervous of issues around contact but these are out in the open and something around which we communicate with DD. Other lesser issues include already spending time loafing in front of a screen and not wanting to bring too many of the days school issues into our home time. Her biggest argument is that 'everyone' communicates about 'everything' on FB and she feels (fears) that she is missing out. Her suggestions that details of plans and parties are posted on FB does NOTHING to make me want to agree to her having it, quite frankly. I am also dubious of her claims that her youth leader and even (according to her) her school post important information about activities, events and (she says) homework and there is NO other way of finding this stuff out - ONLY through FB. That's her argument.

Anyway, I'm rambling now..... Wondering who else is facing these issues, or is it seriously only us?!

MPD

I think at 15 she is old enough to be sensible about privacy settings etc. Also I think that she is right in that lots of information is shared on FB eg my DD has updates on sports fixtures she is involved with, arrival times etc.
I actually am quite a technophobe, but my fears were unfounded.

I think that 15 is old enough to manage her settings on Facebook.
I would ask that she is friends with you.
My ds and dn hardly use it at all after constant nagging to join.
They prefer Instagram and bbm.

DD isn't keen on FB due to some of the bitchiness that goes on and deleted herself once. However she found she was missing out on things and her group of friends use it to communicate rather than texts etc.

I would imagine she would feel very out of the loop not having Facebook at 15. Mine rarely post anything on there any more, preferring Twitter and Instagram, but use the chat facility all the time. And dd will often use it to contact someone about homework (for example she may have someone in her history class on FB but not be particularly close friends with them so wouldn't have their number to text them). All invites to parties and events are done through FB too. And the girls in particular keep in touch all the time via various group chats.

I think you need to let her have it. She will be out the loop socially, feel left out and isolated from her friends. It's your fears not hers. I understand your fears but she needs to enter the independant world gently not in one big lump at 18.

I'm mildly surprised she's arguing with you about it - all the teenagers I know would just set up an account (takes about 5 minutes) & quietly get on with it.

So that does suggest she's quite young for her age? Maybe a carefully supervised account for now, with you having her log in details.

She certainly needs to be able to make independent decisions about social media by the time she's 18, so I think you should be supporting her to acquire those skills tbh.

I think she should be allowed, she is old enough to just get an account on her own.

My DD 15 has used FB for several years now and come to no harm. We moved from overseas when she was 12 and she has found it invaluable for keeping in touch with old school friends. I have asked her NOT to make friends with people she does not know.

There is a lot of video sharing and posting of selfies and she mainly chats to the same dozen or so school friends.

Instgram, Snapchat and Twitter seem more popular ?ith this age group.

I would let your daughter go ahead and set up an account....

I too think that, at 15, it's understandable she's feeling out the loop. I also think you'd be a lot better teaching her about privacy settings, etc., than banning her completely.
Quite frankly, I'm pretty surprised she hasn't just set herself an account up without you being aware, anyway.
My 15 yr old does all her communicating (with friends) by FB Message - they don't post much onto their page, but that's how they chat when not at school - doesn't cost them like texting does.

Leaving aside your adoption contact issues, which are surely complex and real, I think it's very hard - and quite naive - to stop a teenager from access to a main communication medium among her peers. It's not another world (some extra separate internet place that you can stop her going to until she's 18). It's just another way of communicating - sometimes vicious, sometimes dangerous, mostly not. You need to tach her to be safe and wise in her interactions on it - and in all other aspects of her life. I would let her make an account asap.
Also your remark about keeping school issues out of home life sounds a bit strange. I have known many 15 year olds and, mostly, life is about school, friends, their interests. Family very much stops being the centre of their focus. That's normal, part of growing up and understanding yourself as an individual. Why on earth would you want to prevent that in the interests if your DD?

My DD1 is also adopted and age 15.
We held of FB until DD1 was 13.5. She is naïve and a people pleaser and also has shaky friendships though not the issues you've had).

We gave her FB under the following conditions:

• Nickname used
• No posting photos of herself
• Only friends online with people she is friends with in real life
• Tight security settings
• We know password and would check up
• Only accessible on downstairs laptop, not upstairs (HW one - blocked), or phone (Internet disabled)

We restrict screen time anyway. She tends to go on for an hour or so some evenings after supper instead of watching TV. Mainly for chatting or playing games.

I would be tempted to let her have FB with rules as above but an additional proviso that if 'issues' from school start insinuating themselves into home then it will be removed.

turning re school issues.
I think the thing here may be that if a child is being bullied/ostracised at school, you want home to be a safe haven, and not give the 'mean girls' a way in at home too.

I can share my experience if it helps. My dd had FB and it caused no end of dramas. Her school and social issues (she has AS) did invade our home life. At school she felt ignored and rejected, this then happened at home too.

She saw people having a great time socially on FB and felt very envious and left out. She tried to chat to people and they mostly ignored her.

She is now 15 and has deactivated her account and stepped away from her laptop. She has come to the conclusion that right now it's making her feel unhappy and stressed. I'm really happy she has arrived at this decision by herself.

After saying all of that I would let your dd have a try OP. Your dd clearly doesn't have the social issues my dd has so could benefit from keeping up with her peers through FB. Just keep a really close eye on things and keep lines of communication between you and dd open.

Your joking right? she is 15... and you don't let her have FB! I'm sorry but if your that much of a technophobe then you are really going to harm her future. This kind of thing already is an essential skill in day-to-day life.

By 15 both my girls considered FB to be old news and moved onto Twitter, they both have Instagram accounts and my youngest has a Pinterest account too.

Social media is a huge part of a teens life. It would be far better to let her be part of it whilst explaining the pitfalls and how to stay safe. She really does need to master this before she goes off to Uni at 18.

I've read all the messages & largely agree... However my daughter has just turned 16 & doesn't have it. She did, when she was younger, was ok, some bullying, but nothing massive. She was reported by someone for not being old enough & fb closed her account (she had lied about her DOB & couldn't remember when asked what it was, so fb closed her page). She's asked for it from time to time, but not constant. I am in 2 minds, & have said she can have it with rules, including she has to actually know the person to have them on her friends list. She also has a very basic mobile, calls & texts only. She has Twitter & I'm on her following list. She is still able to communicate with friends, school, youth club etc.... I don't think it's an essential thing for a teenager & I wouldn't want to promote following the crowd or doing something because of peer pressure. Maybe discuss with her what rules she thinks would be beneficial, see what her views are, & go from there. If her thoughts are in line with yours, then I'd consider it. Good luck, & don't cave in if you believe that her not having it is the best thing for her, but at the same time don't say no out of principle. You can but guide her ??