Just read dd's posts disrespecting me...

[stillnotsorted]

Am feeling stunned and upset. She's 13 and is on Facebook on the understanding that I have open access to her account. I think she must have forgotten this or thought I wasn't keeping a check on it.

We had a disagreement over what subjects she will take at school re GCSE's. She's calling me 'fucking mental' to her friend, who agrees with her.

My gut reaction is to make her come off facebook and let her know it's completely unacceptable.
Desperate for some advice here from people who've got teenagers. What's the best way to handle this? I'm so upset.

It was not publicly posted but a group post, if that makes sense. I think, at this age, her privacy is my privacy. I actually do think that and it's not like we didn't discuss this at the start. She is not 'street aware', however much she likes to think she is and she may well have been 'venting'. I'm prepared to accept that, although it was hurtful. I'm prepared to learn more constructive strategies to manage this. I am not prepared to not monitor her internet communications because she is not internet savvy enough I don't think. She's transitioning from childhood to adulthood and while she can make 'mistakes', I still have a duty of care.I do need to not centre my own hurt here and to progress with strategies that ameliorate our relationship. However, I still intend to check her online use. I m not one to think there's a Paedophile through every click but she is still a child.

Maybe she doesn't care whether you know that (in respect of this issue anyway) she thinks you are 'fucking mental'. I'm not sure I understand that her privacy is your privacy?

The PC-ness of the language aside, I have to confess a long held grudge against my parents for being completely inflexible about what options they thought were appropriate at school, from German over Spanish (much more useful when you become a scientist), an insistence that I did triple Science, and eventually taking further Maths at A Level.

I have mental health problems myself but am not beyond describing my mother as a complete loon to people, probably not on FB though.

Like a pp said, I think she needs to learn a lesson about how public social media is; that is the conversation that I would be having.

'Her provacy is my privacy' means that we mutually agreed that for the time being, she would be allowed to be on facebook subject to my having access to her online communications there

Do you check her email and text convos as well?

No titchy, I don't but I know that Facebook has settings which revert to 'public' now and again whereas email and text are relatively more private. This is really not about whether I have the right to monitor a 13 year old's online account. It's about how to handle teenage angst and eruption productively.

But Facebook messages are private between the sender and recipient(s). It's just a messaging app, not a public post on her wall.

Far more private than a MN thread!

Though agree you didn't post about that, but I think you can rest assured calling you every name under the sun to her friends is pretty normal and she doesn't really hate you!

'Far more private than a MN thread'.

No. I haven't used her real name or mine for that matter.
We haven't agreed she would have access to this whereas it was a condition that I would (to all her communications) if she was to be allowed a facebook a/c.

As I ve said, however, this isn't the issue. The condition is non-negotiable if she wants facebook access at 13.

Thanks to all who have posted about managing this constructively. It's helped me in stepping back from what happened and given me ideas for the future.

I would probably mention it tbh something like you think I am fucking mental do you then say fair enough I am just trying to help you then leave it.
she is allowed to be annoyed at you thing with facebook its our inner thoughts and personal conversations for all to see. When we were 13 it would have still been said but our mums wouldn't have known we thought she was fucking mental, you need to deal with seeing your dds thoughts and feelings on a screen
. Personally I think you should nt be arguing about her options I think its between your dd and school with you supporting her decision.

I remember my daughter 14 saying she hated me on Facebook and I was selfish! I really wanted to say something and scream at her! It hurt! Instead I ignored it and within a day it was deleted haha. Just try not to take it personal to be honest! It's hard but ignore it! Just acting out! Don't rise to it lol x

I don't look at DDs Facebook but I would be surprised if she didn't moan about me and her dad to her friends. I think it's part and parcel of having a teenager and its important to not overreact, to keep offering love and support, and to maintain your boundaries. I would probably mention to her that you had seen it. And let that lead to a constructive discussion about what is appropriate to post online.
But perhaps a small part of her wanted you to see it? like someone else said it's about exercising autonomy. Ultimately though, I think it's better if DC choose their own GCSE subjects.

I remember dd called her dad an arse on twitter as he was giving her a telling of about something.