16yr old dd, I feel she really dislikes me and her brothers.

[triplets]

This thread I am sure is going to be nothing new, reading the thread titles just now reassured me that many of you are going through similar things. My situation is this. I have 16yr old b/b/g triplets, they will be 17 in Jan. I am in my early 60s,their Dad in his early 70s . They were born after ivf treatment much wanted after we lost our only son Matthew in 1994. Thats us! Everything was lovely, happy until 2008 when their Dad was diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer, the following five years were awful for us all. Constant surgery/chemo/ complications etc. Now he has another illness to face, we think he is going to be told he has neurological damage poss caused by chemo, if its not is Parkinsons :( He is very worried and I am feeling scared. So we have a lot going on. Despite all of this we try very hard to run a normal home here, we are very happy for the kids to always bring their friends in, in fact they seem to like coming, its nothing to home home and find up to 8/9 teens here. They often all get fed too! The two boys really are no trouble, they both go to the local Air Training Corps 2/3 nights a week, they are away atm on a camp in the IOW. They both have a paper round so have money to buy extras they want. DD! So different, she was a normal sweet girl until she was 13, then changed. She love her girlfriends, her b/f has been her b//f since they were three. Lots of her friends come her, they all troop up to her room, her b/f often sleeps over..............we have a tiny house by the way so on s/overs its hell! DD spends all her time like most in her room, tbh she is not all day on FB etc, she does do a lot of excellent art work, always drawing. The only time we see her is for meals, she doesnt wan to talk to any of us, usually scowls if we attempt to talk to her. So.........boys away, Dad not well, I decided to take her and her b/f away for a little break, a treat hoping to spend some time together, to see if we could free from home/brothers get along. We went to Brighton on Mon and came back last night, cost an arm and a leg which with Christmas coming up I could really ill afford. Basically they didn't want me with them, I can understand that, I was happy to spend my time sight seeing etc. So we did our own thing, met back at the apartment and then out or supper to a nice restaurant of their choice. I was just so shocked at her manners in public places, esp the restaurant, wiping her face with the back of her hand etc, picking up food with her fingers, her b/f sat texting at the table.............being rude in an art gallery because they were asked not to take photographs etc. I couldnt believe she was also like it to strangers, she honestly has not been brought up like it. I like many of you keep asking myself what have I done wrong? Yet I know I am not a bad mother, know she has always been shown love. She is so very different to her brothers, so we must have one something right! I basically do not know what to do anymore, I do try and talk to her, she always says the same thing, head down mutters sorry but nothing changes. I dont want to row, stress is very bad for my dh atm it makes his symptoms worse. I love her so much and am so unhappy that we dont have a closer relationship. Will welcome any advice very much.

Awww she doesn't dislike you. Not at all. She's just a teenage girl, and if she's creative and artistic probably quite a sensitive one underneath, and wrapped up in herself and her bf.

She's probably worried sick about her dad and stressed with it. And learning to cope with huge hormonal fluctuations and adult emotions and frightened of the whole growing up thing. Lots of teenagers don't like themselves or the world very much at times and I think this spills over into how they interact (or don't) with others.

It'll work itself out, I promise. Keep doing what you're doing and one day you'll be through it and things will be ok again.

And I'm sorry for everything you've all been through

Best wishes.

To me the shirty behaviour in the gallery could be just her and B/F getting carried away a bit or because she feels quite irritated
generally.

You went away with B/F and DD but sadly that isn't spending quality 1:1 time with her alone. Can you tell me what nice things you do together alone? If you don't have any, maybe you can ask her to suggest a few. Is there a hobby/sport/creative activity you could do together?

It's very easy for families all to cast each other in roles and I wonder if she has been cast as the black sheep? Maybe she is feeling judged and not accepted and is merely acting up a bit as she feels unhappy and isolated within the family unit.

You are very positive about the boys and very negative about her. What good points does she have?

What do you do to make her feel treasured or appreciated? Do you still cuddle her and tell her you love her?

Like many others, she sounds like she is sensitive. Elaine Aron has written a series of books about sensitive people/children and they might help you understand and appreciate her more.

Sorry about your DH by the way.

The boys have each other and your support but she is more isolated within the family unit

She's 16 I haven't met a 16 yr old who isn't a self centred little git. Her boyfriend is very rude though from the sounds of it. Texting at the table would bring a few words from me. If anything you need to be a bit firmer with what you expect or they take the mick at that age. Houseful of teenagers so that it's hell? There's no way I would tolerate that whenever my kids feel like it not if I was just being snarled at by my kid when I tried to speak to them. How did you deal with the behaviour in the art gallery?

It's likely she's In teenage hormone hell.. that coupled with being worried about her dad and not knowing how to express herself. There isn't really a whole lot you can do now other than keep the lines open, don't treat the boyfriend again that is not one on one time and tbh I would not have wanted one on one time with the mothership at 16, I'd left home by then anyway.

What about her art.. is she good? Have you asked for your favourite and framed it for the wall or asked her to do a special thing for you? Maybe a way of communicating without speaking type of thing.

It does pass.. by 24 they're sweet as a nut and you get kisses and hugs again.

I agree she sounds like a sensitive girl and maybe her Dads illness has hit her hard. A girls relationship with her Dad is an important one. Were they close when she was younger and maybe she had less time with him when he was ill? Maybe she would benefit from some kind of counselling. Maybe some small one on one outings with you and if possible your DH would be good. Just go out for coffee or something like that.
I do think you should continue to hold her accountable for her behaviour. Don't tolerate rudeness or other bad behaviour because you feel sorry for her.

Hmm - you did a lovely thing for her, taking her and her best friend away, but I would have been shocked at their behaviour , in the restaurant and art gallery too.

Don't dwell on it. Tis done and over with. However, it gives you an opportunity to look at your dd in a new light. Perhaps she has been isolated a bit, as you have her dad, and the boys have each other. Perhaps she has spent a bit too much time relying on her friends (not a bad thing) but they aren't going to reinforce issues such as table manners, are they?) As the pp said, there isn't a lot you can do now, except offer the odd hug, build a bridge, give her the chance to talk to you occasionally, listen to her dreams and hopes for the future - and give her the occasional reminder about basic manners, so that she can roll her eyes, look exasperated, but hopefully remember for future occasions.

I'm in the middle of a book
'Get out of my life .. but first take me and Alex into town', and can't recommend it highly enough.
I have a DD17 and DS15; DD has always been 'the difficult one'! Quite quiet, insular, and immature, and the only emotions she shows are anger/aggression. She can be horrible (at home); equally she can be delightful (everywhere else!)
She has a habit of asserting herself, towards me, in front of her friends; eg. "Well, I need a lift home; its not my fault we live in the sticks; I need a car!" My reaction would be "you're getting nothing with an attitude like that". My book tells me differently! Please try and read it; a lot is fairly obvious but there are some very insightful parts too!
I now realise that having brought up 2 children in exactly the same way, with the same morals, etc, personality coupled with raging hormones, plays a bigger part than we know! And it WILL get better!

Thank you all for your advice, it was her best friend who came with us, not boyfriend........we are not into those yet! I do try very hard to do things with her, she is very good at art and only today I bough her clip frames so that she can display some in her room. Her room has just been redecorated for her, it was a mess and she wanted to "go Moroccan" so its all new, yet she complained that she has he smallest room in the house. We struggle for space, the boys share. They are all so different totally, every teacher used to say they didnt know how it would be having triplets in one class. I always told them "dont worry by the end of the week you wont even think they are related". Its true! My lovely Mum used to say they came out of three different egg boxes as they were conceived using donated eggs same donor for all! It has been tough for them, but sadly I cant change that, wish I could. Its been tough on us all, a roller coaster of a ride since June 1994 when Matthew died. Thank you..............

I will read that book :)

I can remember being like that in my teens...... my 80 year old Mum who has advanced Alzheimers can remember my teenage years very well. She said to me yesterday 'you were all for your friends and were never in the house. When you were in the house you were in your messy bedroom. Look at the nice girl (I am almost 58) you have turned into.'

There is hope Trips - having never had a daughter I can only imagine how difficult it feels for you.

I hope that things improve very soon for all of you. I take my hat off to you raising triplets. xxx

You a handful?? Never! But thank you Shabs for your support, God I`d miss you in my life................xx

The way a teens brain helps them to turn into an independant adult is to make them want to distance them from their parents. If they are still needing their parents they are not adult and independant.
The unfortunate way our brains make us not want to need our parents is to make them feel hatred towards their parents. They all feel hatred towards their parents. Some have this feeling more than others. Girls express their feelings. Boys don't. There is no trigger for this, as in you causing it. All teens go through it but some worse than others.
She will come out the otherside. She will no longer have this feeling of hatred and you get your daughter back. She does love you. She just needs space to get through this. Ignore. And bring on two years time.
I wish your husband well. It must be a dreadful time.

Hi Heyho, you have no idea how your message has lifted my spirit, truly. Thank you so much.......its just nice sometimes to feel that someone supports and cares about you, helps you to realise that you are doing the best you can given the circumstances .Yes it is hard, has been since we lost Matthew, something I know I will never ever get over. There was a little boy on the bus today who kept smiling at me, when they got off his grandmother said "hurry up Matthew"..........my heart went over and I just wanted to cry.

Heyho - perfect explanation. I was so independant - bossy, stroppy, hated my Mum and loved my Dad (played them off against each other as well).

Oh my word Trips -I can imagine how you felt when you heard the word 'Matthew' - never 'goes away' does it love? xxxxxx

I think, as others have said, she is just a normal horrible self obsessed 16 year old. I am sure it will get better. I can remember hating my mother and being embarrassed to be seen with her in public - now we get on very well and have done for years.

Just want to send you - I have 'followed' your life on Mumsnet for many years and am sorry you are going through yet another tough time.

Thank you Ragwort, I seem to have been on here forever! x