Fearful for angry 18yr old DD

[Figgycake18]

We have had a roller coaster 18 months with my daughter. She has always been ‘challenging’ since she was small i.e. pushing boundaries to the extreme, being naughty in school. Her Dad moved away to another continent when she was 7 and she became angry then but we got her a great councellor and seemed calmer and generally happier until the end of secondary school.

However the 18 months she is really scaring me with her actions and I’m not sure how we should deal with this.

She started her A levels fine and did well in the first year, in 6 weeks of the 2nd year she had dropped out. She is bright so naturally we were keen for her to continue but there is no huge pressure from us to finish only that she finds something i.e. a job, apprenteship etc..and she knows this.

She got a job for a few months and at the same time was seeing a 19 year old that was in trouble with the police and subsequently went into jail. She then went off the rails we didn’t know where she was for days we managed to find out through others that she was in a hostel and that there were a lot of drugs and drink going on there. She also stole £500 from my account at that time too. (which we almost got her arrested for but didn’t last minute as if she wanted to go abroad to see her Dad she might have been stopped)

Her Dad was unwell at this time and we offered to pay for to go and stay with her family out there which she did for 6 months and was going to start college and she had also met a nice boy. Unfortunately there were VISA problems and she had to return. Her Dad is on the mend but I still don't think she has the relationship she wants with him.

She told us she wanted to do her A levels back here again so signed up to start again and has all being going brilliantly, she seemed really genuinely happy albeit not looking forward to another 2 years college but really happy to be back and looking forward to her future.

She had the obligotary tattoos etc but have let this go as long as she is in the right place mentally and happy. She has been getting in when we asked her to joining in weekly shops etc, baking normal family activities, lots of giggling etc..enjoying being out with her old and new friends.

2 days ago the ex boyfriend who has just recently been released from prison was in our house and she is with him again. We have been civil and said if that what she really wants we will accept it.

But she has talked about dropping college again and getting a job. The boyfriend only gets a couple of hundred from his job so they can’t afford to move out but I think this is why she wants to work full time so that they can get a place.

We have told her her chances will be massively reduced is she stops and we are in a position to help get her driving etc.. if she gets a part time job and continues with college.

But yesterday she was at a friends where the boy is welcome and just wants to bum out there and making no effort to find a part time job etc which we have told her she has to do as we cannot fund her indefinitely.

Today she came home to demand money for a taxi that she had decided to get (a mile from town she could have easily walked) and when I said no kicked the car. She then collected her stuff and went back to friends, she says she’ll come back later when I’m calmer! I doubt if she will, if she does I suspect it will be to get some money.

I’m so fearful that I’m not going to react in the best way as I know the softly approach is not going to be the right way as it’s way past that but how much tough love to show?

As her Mum I can see she’s very angry and to me she seems scared, but she won’t talk to us so that we know what exactly the problem is. Convinced she's not pregnant due to obvious monthly signs!

For the record my partner has been in her life since she was 3 and she really does listen to my partner so there is no conflict there and we really have tried everything including asking if she wants counseling. She went to one and didn’t want to go back.

My biggest problem is that as a Mum you can see when your child is not happy. I really don’t think she is being manipulated by the BF either as he’s not that bright and DD is really forthright.

So as we have accepted him what is she so angry about???

Any suggestions as to how to help coax it out of her or for us to help her will be greatly appreciated.

I'm certainly no expert, but taking into account everything you've described it sounds like she is just adjusting to adulthood. Nothing specific needs to go wrong for an 18 yr old to feel angry, scared and volatile. She's probably just grappling with the fact she needs to buck up and start to focus on her A Levels OR do an apprenticeship or get a job, as you have quite rightly said. It's a time of huge change for kids of that age. Lots of her friends will have gone to uni or moved on to start there careers. Then she has this boyfriend tugging her in the other direction and being, not a particularly great influence. She needs to figure out for herself what she wants. It's hard. I think as parents it sounds like you have been loving and understanding at every turn. Just continue as you are, being clear about what you expect from her, and eventually she will come out the other side of this fug.

*their careers

Oh, and she definitely needs to pay back that 500.

Thanks so much JuniorMumber that's what we are hoping and trying to remain calm but it's so hard when you see them unhappy and struggling and you can't seem to reach them. Really appreciate your response

Certainly best to stay calm. As hard as it may be. If she does leave home then if you don't get angry she will feel that she can come home if it all falls apart.

My daughter hated 'A' levels but finished them as we said she had to get full time job or an apprenticeship before leaving. Didn't get enough to go to uni but her time at college had put her off. While she was at college we paid for her bus pass, paid for some driving lessons and then her car insurance (a small fortune), £20 in to her bank account and mobile. She had a part time job which paid for petrol. Our thing was we pay while you are in full time education

Told her that now she was out of full time education she had to contribute something to the household. It's not a huge amount (£15 per week) but it's something where else is she going to be able to live and eat for that?

A lot of jobs pay minimum wage and that is £5.13 for 18-20 yr old. My daughter is 19 and is now being paid the minimum rate of £6.50 (am in the process of upping her keep now!!) as she has been promoted and that level does not differentiate between the ages. I am presuming that DD is under 21?

The boyfriend is certainly contributing to her behaviour. But she needs to realise that for herself. I remember my parents hating a boyfriend of mine - made me all the more determined to carry on seeing him even though I knew I could do better. Dumped him in my own good time once my parents stopped going on about him.

Thank you ChillySundays. Useful advice there. I think you're right about the boyfriend too which is why we're not battling as much as we might want to!

No one can say it better than the two replys above.
We wish with all our heart that our kids follow the 'norm' path. But for some it's harder even when support and love is there. These kids quite often realise what they need to do a few years down the line when their head clears of all the issues of growing independant. They then get qualified and go on to nice jobs and lives. I'm sure your daughter will do exactly that. You and your partner will have worried yourselves silly but end up prouder than you dare to imagine right now.

I was reading your message thinking this is almost replica of my own daughter (without the boyfriend and dropping out of college thst must have been hard for you to witness)as I also have a strong minded fiesty 18 year who like your daughter is ( and certainly during teen years) has been v challenging at times and so I can really empathise w your concerns and how u feel as there have been times when I have felt like a really crap (excusecthe French) especially when others I know don't seem to have had nearly as much confrontation. As a previous person commented eventually it will come out in the wash but its a rough ride while its all going on but from what u say u are keeping the door ajar. My daughter like yours has done quite alot of disappearing over teen years and often not been overly communicative especially to me even when I have askec her to contact me she texts my husband (her dad) and that can b very frustrating its as if she does it deliberstely although would never admit it. It can b difficult the disappearing especially when u don't know the friends and
similiarly as u have found with the boyfriend situation people have differentt value systems, different ways of parenting which can b difficult sounds like uvand your partnerare united though as having differences in what you deem acceptable or not can put a real strain on even the best relationships I know my husband and I have had many an arguement about what is deemed ok or not or one has agreed to something without consultation w the other big mistake
I would b interested to see howcthings work out for you all I really hopecshe stays the course at college but she may have to learn the hard way which is extremely hard for u her mum to witness her making those mistskes but the more u get annoyed (if she's anything like my daughter) the more she is likely to dig her heels in so the staying calm advisecwas good but it can b much easier said than done. I can certsinly confess to not always behaving well getting angry when I should have been cslm etc and retorting to personal comments whne it would have ben better to just walk away.
I advise is find outvwhat what motivates her as that seems to b the key to have something to aim for. Suggest sitting down w her and asking her where she envisages herself in 12 months/3 or 5 years as that is a good starting point to maybe have her focus on and path to getting there doesn't matter how menial but to make it her plan rather than yours will hopefully encourage her work towr
I hopecthat helps keep putting one foot invfrontvof the other

My 16 year old son has been very spoilt and now has become more and more abusive and aggressive when I refuse him things. He recently asked for more money which I haven't got and sent abusive and threatening texts. When my husband calmly told him to stop he attacked my husband verbally and physically and threatened to cut his throat with a decorative samurai sword that we didn't even know he had. Police were called and he was arrested and we said he couldn't come home at least for a while so that he could reflect but he is not remorseful and doesn't want to come home and is now in a youth unit. He used to be a caring quiet boy and I don't recognise him anymore but I love him and I feel heartbroken and guilty. I went through all this with his sister who was also on drugs and is now completely turned a corner and have a good relationship but she has now been diagnosed with autism. I feel such a failure as a parent. I just what my little boy back but have to consider our safety

Andrea u must not think yourself a failure from what u say sounds like your son behaviour is quite extreme and frightening to say the least. Have u seen your gp he may need a referral for assesment of pyschiatrist who can help determine if there is an underlying mental condition or drug problem. V difficult for u but u must take his behaviour seriously he needs help don't label as spoit, good luck

Advice needed. I have three daughters 21, 18 and 15 and I'm struggling ! My 18 year old is just horrible - always in the mornings before school and quite a few afternoons after school too. I know she hates school and is counting down the days until she leaves sixth form. She delights in picking a fight with either myself or my 15 and just shouts and makes me feel upset and useless. Luckily my 15 just seems to take it on the chin and doesn't bite back - one of these days she will!! I have just had enough - why is it that I can't have 3 happy daughters - is that possible. Anyway, interested to hear if other people have similar experiences and how to cope because at the moment I'm struggling. Thanks.