Insecure in love

[SueDunin]

Dd(17) has been with her bf(16) for 15mths. There is almost 2yrs between them. My concerns are for her insecurities. They meet up most weekends and have little, if any, contact midweek which she is really struggling with. Her A level work is affected as she can't concentrate for worrying that he'll leave her/isn't thinking about her, she's even dreaming of him with other girls then waking exhausted. She is determinedly keeping her insecurities from him as she's conscious she might push him away. He is much younger than her, is clearly very fond of her but able to compartmentalise his life better than her. Even though they're sexually active they've not declared their love for each other. How can I support her to be stronger and accept the relationship for what it is?

Picked up a good tip on teen relationships the other day...

If you're not enjoying it, end it. At that age they should be having fun.

Does she have any reason to suspect his lack of commitment? Or is this just insecurity?

We're having the reverse problem that we can't separate them, schoolwork suffering too.

But it may be the same reason in both cases, lack of self confidence and low self esteem. In our case they are sexually active too, but I genuinely think she instigated this as some sort of gesture of commitment.

When you sit down and talk to your daughter about relationships and how they work does she understand the mutual respect and trust that underpins a successful one? I only ask because that sort of conversation in our house reveals a startling naivety and almost pre programming of the strong man, little woman set up where all the power and control in the relationship rests with the boy, and the girls wants and needs, and evened own body, are subject to him.

Teen concepts of relationships are shaped by what they see around them, school has a lot to do with this where the boys are under peer pressure to be 'the man', then there's all the crap on tv. I cannot even convince mine that made in Chelsea isn't real, they believe these are real life scenarios being replayed for the tv cameras!

Obviously this is not what she wants, but can she explain why she wants to see him more often? Is it to quel this self doubt that he's off with other girls during the week? Can she explain why she doesn't trust him?

Perhaps when they do see each other they can also see friends together, so they become a visible couple rather than the two secret squirrels I have nesting all day or all weekend in my house. It might give her some confidence he's not trying to keep two separate lives going.

At the end of the day, if she wants to see more of him, but he has things he wants to do and can't or won't share them with her then she has to decide if that's enough for her. If it is, look forward to the weekends and get back to studying, if not put it down to experience and move on.

Btw you're not telling me they have no phone or text contacts all week are you? If that were the case I'd say he's definitely not that interested.

Mistake in original message; there's 1yr 1mth between them not 2yrs!

Thanks LHMouse. You speak a lot of sense but not really anything I've not told her. I repeatedly tell her if she's not happy she should move on. But she adores him.

She has no reason to suspect him of cheating. He's very good looking but she too is gorgeous. His mum is a friend and I know he's being loyal. He does struggle with depression and needs his own head space.

And yes, their midweek contact really is minimal, unless they bump into each other at school, but it's been like that from day one.

You're right, a cause of her insecurity could be to do with the privacy of their relationship. They are 'out' on facebook and in their small friendship group but that's about it.

I wish she was more confident and less hooked on him so she could enjoy this relationship before moving on....