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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DS 15, what is going on!

7 replies

highlighta · 23/10/2014 09:26

Sorry this has turned out long, thanks if you manage to get all the way through it......

I just don't know what to make of what is going on with DS right now. This is an above average child as school until last year when he changed to high school.

We don't live in UK. High school starts here when they are 14. If they don't get a certain mark for subjects but the end of the year, they are not promoted to the following grade, and have to repeat the year.

In primary school he always did well. Once he went to high school last year, his marks just plummeted. There was an issue with the maths teacher last year who went awol so the class were teacherless for a while, they had to catch up with lessons in the afternoons with the other teacher.

He failed Maths for the year, but due to this teacher (there were lots of other issues with him), he was passed up to this year. Again this year he hasn't pulled his weight and has failed all 3 terms so far due to failing maths and a few other subjects.

But this year is a very important year, as they choose which subjects they want to take next year, which should tie in with the career choice they choose. So he has always wanted to do a Science degree, this is what interests him, still now and always has. BUT, because his mark is not high enough for the whole year, he is not allowed to take science next year. They have to have a certain mark for Math and Science to take the subject next year.

So I fetched his report. Pathetic marks for both math and science, and in fact every single subject. I don't spoon feed him at all, but ask him re homework etc and he always claimed to have done it, projects handed in, but to find out at parents evening this isn't the case. So he has been lying. And that brings me to the next thing - the lying! He has always been an honest kid. He is lying about the most ridiculous things - caught him out lying twice yesterday - gets in car - I say did you wash your face as I see sleep in his eyes. He says yes. I ask him again and he says actually no he didn't. So he runs back in house to wash face. Silly things like this... Its like I don't even know my own child anymore.

So now he says he wants to repeat this year in order to "try harder" for next year and qualify to do the subjects he want to do. If he is promoted, he will have to take subjects that he has no interest in doing in his future - ie tourism, cheffing, economics etc. I have meeting at school next week. I just don't know, they may agree to him redoing the year, but then again I have to pay another years school fees if he does that, and what if he just messes about again thinking its the easy life...

No family here to discuss this with and dh is working away, I just wanted to see if anyone could comment, I feel quite overwhelmed and upset right now with no support.

OP posts:
Heyho111 · 23/10/2014 16:21

All teens lie, it's part of them trying to become independant. Some do it more than others. Some are better at it than others. Parents who say their teen hasn't lied to them has a child who is good at it.
Don't worry about the silly lies. But the studying lies now mean he's lost your trust in that area. You will need to start checking homework diary and his excersise books. Not over the top. Show me what h/w you have todo today. Once a week check his comments in his books. Email teachers once a half term to check he is doing his best.
Let him retake next year if possible with these rules.
Expect strops and stomping and door slamming even swearing that comes too. Fun! Ignore that too. Keep battles to the important stuff. Hard when our frustration builds up.
Teen years is stupid hard!! Give me a toddler any day !

highlighta · 24/10/2014 09:14

Thanks Heyho, I have reread my post I did yesterday, I was really upset and it does sound silly about me moaning about a lie about washing his face, but it was just the cherry on top yesterday... Confused

I did actually talk to him last night about the lies, he said its just a small thing so it doesn't matter, to which I explained that it did, along with the lie about doing his homework which he didn't when I checked up...

I am going to start policing him, I don't really want to as really as this age I shouldn't have to, but he has forced the situation. I like this: Keep battles to the important stuff and yes very difficult when upset and lacking sleep etc....

I agree, toddler years were a breeze compared to this Wink

OP posts:
myotherusernameisbetter · 24/10/2014 10:50

Maybe it has been a tough lesson, seeing his dream of doing Science slipping away from him, but hopfully he has taken that on board and will knuckle down a bit more this year if you let him repeat.

I would stress the impact (financial and emotional) that it has had on you but try not to make it a blame thing. Appeal to his better side i.e. "I know that you are better than this and that you are a hard worker and a good lad" etc. It might sound a bit corny but honestly you cannot praise boys enough and they will respond to it.

I would emphasise that you believe that the school did let him down and that sometimes when you have gotten in the habit of being lazy, it is difficult to find the motivation to start working again, but again say that you know that he isn't a lazy boy as you have years of evidence from school and home showing that (praise again).

And I would finish off with a short piece just saying that lying about silly stuff only makes you want to trust him less and at the end of the day if he wants to go to school without washing, that's up to him but to expect to get comments from friends etc. but that when you are going out somewhere together, it's respectful to the other person to keep up a certain standard of cleanliness and dress.

Definitely try to treat him as a grown up but say that he has to regain your trust so that you will be checking up on him in the beginning to ensure that he stays on track (so that you can help and support him if he is finding it difficult) but that if he shows that he is coping well and doing what is needed, you will take a step back again.

and finally, tell him you love him and want him to succeed and be happy for his own sake as, at the end of the day, you already have a nice life etc, but if he wants the same, he will need to work for it. You spend a lot of time working, so being able to do a job you love will make life much happier and fulfilling.

He doesn't sound like a bad kid at all when you see what some people have to deal with. I genuinely think that because of the whole Maths thing he has gotten into a lazy habit that needs to be turned around and it's not easy when you've been demotivated.

highlighta · 24/10/2014 11:00

Thank you ever so much Myother.

OP posts:
DieselSpillages · 24/10/2014 16:45

From what you say I am guessing your Ds is in the French system. IMO it all goes to pot In the case of my DS quite literally when they get to Lycee.

They are given too much independance and are expected to motivate themselves in a way which is pretty unrealistic for a lot of 14 year olds. They then have to choose their career pathway ridiculously early. Add to this underfunding, disgruntled teachers , and a very academic, unimaginative teaching programme.

Of course you may not be in France but at least your post gave me a chance to rant ! If you are, you have my sympathies.

myotherusernameisbetter · 24/10/2014 18:10

I presumed it was USA Diesel but I have no knowledge of the French system- it sounds grim though :(

highlighta · 25/10/2014 08:15

Diesel, no not in France, we are in South Africa.

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