teens, ds attitude and stepdad woes argghhhhh

[traceyjaynewild]

Does anyone else have this issue ? Ds is 17 Kevin total teenager, with aspergers and adhd in the mix, also lost his dad two years ago unexpectedly. My husband has been his stepdad since he was 5 so grown up with him. There are good days but mainly Ds and husband clash shouting and balling, ds can also be the same with me but less so, but I feel that dh can escalate the situation rather than waiting till ds is calmer and making the point. It's got to the stage dh is not wanting to be pleasant to ds and leaving it all to me, as feel ds has no respect at all for him. (dh's words). ds is typical jeckyl/hyde, and when he's rude I let him calm then speak to him and if severely nasty to me or aggressive I will restrict a privilege but feel unsure what to do, dh feels we should blanket ban all privileges, but I feel this is counterproductive. ANy ideas greatly appreciated !! at tethers end. Ds thinks dh hates him and vice versa. dh is not budging on his approach.
thanks in advance:) TraceyJayne .

I have a 17 year old ds with aspergers so know exactly what you mean. Not only do they have the 'rutting stag' element but everything is complicated by the unique challenges the aspergers brings.
I don't have the answer sorry. I just reassure both parties (and deep down they do love each other) and count my blessings that it's unlikely to carry on much longer!!
Hope your ok though. I hate being stuck in the middle.

They need to agree, individually, what they will do in future when this situation arises.

Then, sit them down and get them to apologise for their behaviour, say they appreciate that may have hurt the others feelings and that they will try and recognise when it's happening in future and behave in the previously agreed way.

Do they both think that's a good idea? Yes? Great.

And then they need to keep their relationship on this new more adult level.

Not easy, and your dh will probably resist as he thinks it paints him as the bad guy previously. But you va spin it as him being the more mature and conciliatory one.

Thank you that's helpful much appreciated :)

THanks both for your posts, really helpful. I've tried sitting them down and apologising, dh does resist as you say and tried spinning it as he's the more mature and hence can be in control, role modelling for ds, but unfortunately he said he's had enough and won't consider counselling or family support etc.. Ds is very rude and provocative knowing which buttons to press, for both of us, but I try to just say I won't be spoken to like that, I'll speak to you when you are calmer . Dh is at end of his tether, wants me to bring pc and electrical devices out of ds's room and ban them, until behaviour improves, but that feels draconian and he responds more to short limitations on privileges or being grounded, though he rarely goes out really. Arghhh lol. It's difficult being in the middle isnt it. I agree about keeping the relationship on an adult level which will help both I think, will try to spin it that way to both as you advise :) thanks very much really do appreciate it :)

'dh... more mature.... in control'...

There you have it!

It's not about being in control!

This is a 17yr old we're talking about, old enough to have a job, leave home, father a baby yawn yawn.

The fact that he is still at home and at school doesn't make him any less grown up, and this is the age where he's trying to nbe just that.

Your DH needs to understand you've moved from the land of land of benign dictatorship to thenirvana of negotation and coersion. This does tend to creep up on people, dads in particular.

I am a step dad too and I find dealing with the oldest teens 'demands' much easier than I did with my own kids because i never had the all powerful dad role.

He just has to treat your son like he would a slightly unwilling colleague at work - what's in it for him thing. Although sometimes there isn't and it just has to be - but that's a fair rationale as well to be accompanied with 'humour me and just do it? thanks'.