TEENAGERS ARRGGHHHHHH

[constantlyconfused]

This is more of a rant !
DD can be lovely but equally can be quite the opposite.
I just find it so draining and am frankly getting sick of the sound of my own voice .School life is a nightmare but thats a whole thread of its own! This week has been very challenging starting with 190 phone bill I have now blocked .Then today i made the mistake of giving her a note for bus as i had no change "don't spend the change" comes home with no change .
She will spend hours on skype and her hair yet requires at least 50 requests to brush her teeth ,pick her dirty clothes off floor,take plate through. I do always make her do these things but it is so irritating asking over and over again . She leaves her school equipment at home most days doesn't seem to ever remember homework or give a shit about her future full stop .Fails to keep in touch or ask permission just assumes i'm phycic and will sense her whereabouts . Her room is a dive she shoves dirty clothes and rubbish wherever she is (side of sofa under bed etc). Then theres all the Kevin moments and the fact everything is of course my fault and endless requests for things she "needs " or she will be persecuted designer handbags etc and the "everyone else is allowed/has one".
I sanction (grounding ,no phone etc) but the second the bans lifted she does it again.I know they test the boundaries but really !!!! There are moments of joy but this week is not one of them

I'm also struggling with my teen DS today. I'm only getting occasional glimpses of the lovely boy he can be. He's moody, looks at me and talks to me like I'm shit on his shoe and is a complete swine to his (older) brother. So... I feel for you OP and have absolutely no words of wisdom unfortunately!

It is very testing my patience is shot to pieces. They are so selfish only here to serve ! I do sanction but it makes no difference just means I shall have a weekend of tantrums and door slamming! I am in such a panic about money and this bloody bill .Not sure how you get through to them I try reasoning ,pleading,being cross ,being upset ,sanctioning has zero effect. When i try to spend quality time with her she is not interested unless it involves bleeding me dry in clothes and bags. "shall we go for dinner" "don't like going for dinner" cinema bowling and any other trip is also disliked .

Aww. My sympathies - they drive you to distraction without giving you a backwards glance don't they? It seems like one minute they want you to entertain them all day everyday and the next they're a different person who will only spend time with you if you beg ask very nicely a month in advance!

IME - you won't "get through to them" by anything you say or by imposing sanctions. As soon as you open your mouth your DD will just hear,'Nag, nag, blah, blah,' I'm afraid. Save your words for those things that are really important (rather than just really irritating). Pick your battles, as they say. Teenagers like to battle and enjoy a nice bit of drama so save your energy for the most important things.

Her brain is undergoing rewiring - the 'Kevin' phase so there just isn't any point in trying to reason with her.

Instead she must feel the consequences of her actions: if she creates masses of unnecessary housework either the place will be a tip or you will be tired and grumpy and not kindly disposed towards her - you'll be less likely to feel like giving her a lift round to her mates/wash her pe kit left at the bottom of the stairs, cook her favourite dinner/whatever is relevant. Just like any reasonable person would be.... IYSWIM

And your message will be reinforced by giving her your approval when she is being nice (or praiseworthy) in any way at all (but be brief and understated).She does still want your approval despite appearances. Everyone likes a bit of recognition and encouragement even if they don't show it.

IMO sanctions are for younger children and institutions - they won't teach your DD anything.

Apologies if some of this is irrelevant. And good luck.

Also, ask her for her opinion on stuff and really listen so that you are communicating with her about 'stuff' - not just nagging.

I know the feeling!! I have two darling teen daughters! If it's not lazyness it's mouthy! I tried everything and then the internet I say if u don't do this then the box to the internet is getting turned of! Surprise suprise it's done in 5 mins haha! It's working up to now anyway! Also defo worth picking yr fights with them! If there mouthy I don't talk to them until they apologise lol! We all have our moods I guess though! If there more than 15 mins late then they are in the next day. I learned that long punishment in grounding does not work with teens! It just punished you with the door slamming and moods from them. haha! If they leave washing upstairs I leave it until it comes down in the basket! They soon learn when there is nothing clean to wear . It's hard and they push our buttons but we was like that once and no matter what we will always love them really . Hope your ok x

Oh and my teens seem to love there bedroom rarther than sit with me. Although we do get half hour watching hollyoaks together lol.yes if it benefits them then they will come to town with me normally wanting or there words needing something haha xx

Yeah, stop nagging, it doesn't work. If you want something done, it has to be right there and then or they will forget, and if its something like turn the oven on you need to send a reminder the minute you want it done.

As for the laundry and the mess etc, I've read various coping ideas from just leaving it, to piling it into their beds. I like the latter cos they have to move it.

Dishes? Easy, just put their last dirty plate in front of them when you bring out dinner and see what happens when you try and put food on it.

Ask them to do dishes, but offer to help. Use the time to chat, ask lots of open questions etc. And say how much you've enjoyed helping them and how much easier it was with two.

They're all different, and all the same. And no two days are the same.

It's the evolution of your child through the non thinking phase.

Ooh, there's an idea.

Pick up an Xbox case from fleabay, or a broken one, hide the darling teen's real one and then, fake a rage and put your foot through it!

Oh I'd love to see the face.....

Jellyhead dismantling the Xbox ! Yep that's a good one! Hope it works for you!

Remember the American dad that did this last year. He took his daughters computer out into the garden and murdered it with a shotgun. Brilliant!
I'll see if I can find it somewhere.

Here is a link, hope it works

Same here!!
We can go for a fair few days with calm & reasonable behaviour,then over some small thing(in our case it was homework) the whole house erupts into screaming,shouting & tantrums
It's a relief to read this & realise I'm not alone.Thank you!!

Haha I love that american dad might do the same with the iphone !
DD doesn't care much for hygiene unless its make up or hair she will happily wear dirty clothes for months and live in squalor !I guess the thing peeing me off the most is the daily calls from school and her shrugging it all off not sure when she will realise its not her teachers future she's ruining but her own. So before she's even got home i've had so much negative feedback i'm already fed up. Its awful to hear others slate your DCs feel like a bit of a failure .

Yup. Sounds normal.
Please read a book on teen brains. There are several good ones.
Life was horrid in our household. Shouting, nagging, disappointment. The atmosphere was dreadful and we were on our knees with it all. I was also loosing a relationship with my child and felt this my effect our relationship in the future.
I read a book on their brain development , why they act the way they do and how to handle it.
Life is now calm. My dd talks to us. It's not perfect but it's now a much nicer place.
I read - get out my life but first take me and Alex into town.

There's one that has a title like. How to talk to teens so teens will listen. That's supposed to be good too.
Is say to every parent it's a must to read them.

how has this large phone bill come about?
You can cap her contract so she doesn't go over her limit.

If we had a £1 for every time we heard 'its not fair, xxx has one, everyone's got one, I'm the only one who hasn't got one.....'

'everybody else's (in the world) dad bought them a car when they were 17 why can't I have one'
'errr, because you've no money to run one'

'I'm the only person (in the world) who's dad isn't giving them £1000 per GCSE passed'

I could go one..... she's in the 20's now and is lovely and caring and sharing but those teenage years.....

The phone bill was not a happy moment I tried to cap it but bloody company wouldn't she had unlimited minutes and calls but managed to go waaayyyyy over her data despite me reminding her daily to make sure wifi was on (it wasnt).Thankfully phone company have capped it now .
DD also likes to throw in as well as what everyones got "A punches her mum so your lucky im so good" .
My other bug bear is when they lend their stuff and never get it back such a waste of money. I just like to come on and have a little rant of course DD can be lovely they are just so unpredictable and I remember being very similar . Just seems not many people I know are willing to talk about it unless i'm a minority many of my colleagues/friends talk of their teens bringing them tea and toast every morning ,cooking,cleaning and being delightful all the time "She just accepts no and say ok mum i understand" .

Ooh I know what you mean - some people have perfect children, then perfect teenagers apparently, therefore you must be an utter fail of a parent in comparison.

It's lovely to see parents being proud of their DC though(although tiresome to hear parents complaining about their teenagers all the time too). Thank goodness for the ranting outlet that is MN.

However, posters have taken the time to give you very good advice on this thread IMO, so you might want to think about some of their points as well as just ranting - I can't say that in a way that doesn't sound aggressive, but it isn't meant to be.

Hope you have a good weekend.

And if anyone would like to comment on my needy little thread in chat called 'Character Flaws' about my DD's current 'situation' I would be delighted!

oh wow thanks so much for all your replies, so nice to know I'm not alone in this and its all just what life is like for teen parents. Shame I can't get my dh to realise, he's now decided not to talk to ds and have no relationship with him anymore, he has drawn his line in the sand, and sits in our bedroom out of the way (his words). :-/ fingers crossed we'll get there. Thanks everyone :) Hope you are all okay too, this board is good to know about. Have a good day

I have 2 teens and found the squalid bedroom problem was more or less resolved once they had boyfriends sleeping over. They now need no prompting to change bed linen or get the Hoover out.
On the personal hygiene front be careful of what you wish for - we have one bathroom for 4 people and one of the DD s is usually in it. I spend a fortune on shampoo etc and our water bill is sky high.

Oh DD spends hours washing preening and applying several layers of make up just forgets to brush her teeth and wears same pants for days .
She has been quite lovely this week just not sure school is her thing which is pretty unavoidable ! Shes is a different child in the holidays smiley,funny and chatty .School life just seems to bring out daily rage.

Oh my hat this all sounds so familiar!!!