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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD refusing to go to school today, feel so powerless.

21 replies

MyballsareSandy · 22/10/2014 09:38

DD (13) missed the bus, so instead of me taking her as has happened in the past, I decided to make a stand as she had other options - another bus 30 minutes later that just about gets her there on time, or walking, it is less than 2 miles.

Cue lots of sulking as she wouldn't know anyone on the later bus, same with walking, didn't want to 'look like a loner' walking to school on her own.

I assumed she would change her mind when she saw me getting on with my work (I work from home), but she didn't. I subsequently reminded her about the later bus, mentioned again about walking.

Then at 8.40 when she was still sitting there I said I would take her, but I was cross and at her age I didn't feel that she should rely on this, blah blah. Floods of tears from DD saying she would now be put into seclusion for the whole day as they were cracking down on lateness. I rang the school office, they assured me they would not put her into seclusion if she came in immediately. DD refused.

She's 5ft 10, i can't physically bundle her into the car and I'm shocked at how powerless I feel, looking at this 13 year old defiantly refusing to go to school.

Help please, those who have been through this .

OP posts:

Original poster

MyballsareSandy · 22/10/2014 10:46

bump

OP posts:

MissScatterbrain · 22/10/2014 10:50

What about taking her mobile phone off her? Or pocket money? or switching off the wifi?

IHaveBrilloHair · 22/10/2014 10:50

No idea but I am watching as I have a 13yr old who thinks she can do as she likes at times and I am powerless to dtop her

MissScatterbrain · 22/10/2014 10:57

You do have the power to establish boundaries though.

You have the power to withdraw lifts, cash and other favours.

You do not have to pay for her mobile phone and other gadgets.

You can remove the router or change the wifi password.

iPaddy · 22/10/2014 10:58

Stand your ground! Keep the school informed but don't give in. Let her overhear your phone call to the school.

If she spends the day at home she will suffer the consequences tomorrow.

In the meantime home should be exceptionally boring - no TV, internet, phone etc.

2 miles is nothing for a healthy, 5'10" teenager to walk by the way.

PureMorning · 22/10/2014 10:58

Dont take her, ring the school and tell her she is refusing and they will have suggestions to help. If she spends the day in seclusion prehaps it will make her think.

We had my dps brother living with us for three years (13-16) and he was taller than me and bigger so i let the school know what was going on. In the end after many failed attempts the head came round and escorted him to school for a month. He still refused sporadically but did buckle in the end and behave.

Its so much easier with toddlers, just throw them over your shoulder and off to nursery we go

traviata · 22/10/2014 11:15

a tip I read on MN; ring the school, ask to speak to her head of year, then hand the phone to DD.

Let her face the consequences.

processedbeats · 22/10/2014 11:16

Ring the school again and tell them she's refusing to go
no phone, tv, Internet...

morethanpotatoprints · 22/10/2014 11:21

You have all the power as you are the parent.
Just don't let her get away with it, call the school and say i'm sorry but she is refusing to come into school.
Are you sure there isn't an underlying reason why she doesn't want to go and not telling you. This would be my first concern and one I would check first.
If it is her just pushing boundaries then take her phone, ground her from seeing friends, stop pocket money and other treats.
There are lots of things you can do but you need to take control, you are the parent.

MrsMcRuff · 22/10/2014 11:21

How frustrating! Yes, there comes a point when you have to depend on your powers of persuasion with your dc, and when they refuse to see reason, you're stymied!

I decided to make a stand as she had other options

I've found, when I've looked back on the many and varied clashes with my dc, that they often arise when my inner dialogue has been following a certain route, that the dc haven't been aware of.

So, in your mind, quite reasonably, you've started to think that dd is plenty old enough to make her own way to school if she misses the bus, why should you keep putting yourself out, etc., then you decide to make a stand.

In her mind, no doubt, it's come out of nowhere, and you've suddenly, for no apparent reason, changed from being 'fine' with giving her a lift, to refusing point blank!

Maybe you should discuss this when you're both in a calmer frame of mind. Tell her what you've been thinking, and that you aren't going to be routinely available for lifts, and plan for future occasions when and if she misses the bus, rather than springing it on her.

You might find that if she has time for the new regime to sink in, she becomes more reconciled to it.

MrsMcRuff · 22/10/2014 11:22

Oops!
I decided to make a stand as she had other options
should have been in bold!

Theas18 · 22/10/2014 11:26

TRaviata I love the " phone the head of year and hand the phone to her strategy"!

Today - if she wont go in then a very dull day ( like a sick day) no TV, change the WIFI password. Take charge of her phone etc. And inform school you have offered to take her in.

Then when things are calmer find out what it's really all about, If she's normally Ok other than a bit late ( aren't they all at times?) then I'd lay my 2p on there neing something else going on

morethanpotatoprints · 22/10/2014 11:26

Just reread and the flood of tears only came after you said you would take her in.
It does sound to me as though there is a reason she doesn't want to go in and she's finding any excuse, maybe missing the bus was on purpose.
Does she talk to you, confide in you if she has a problem and is this out of character for her.
I'd be putting work on hold and getting to the bottom of it, she may be really in need of somebody to talk to.

LeftHandedMouse · 22/10/2014 11:27

You need to make it clear to her that their are consequences to her actions.

Aside from making today as dull as possible, make it stay that way after school too. Advise her of this and offer her a lift down at lunchtime.

Also make it clear that any time she wants to go anywhere she'll be going on foot or by bus until she realises that 2 miles is no distance.

Missing a bus is a perfectly legitimate reason for being late to school, as long as you don't use it too often.

On the softer side, have a chat with her about things at school, work, teachers, friends. If she says everything is ok, get sickeningly empathetic and suggest a trip to the school counsellor, maybe some therapy sessions.

If that doesn't have her heading for the door, I give in

Original poster

MyballsareSandy · 22/10/2014 11:37

Thanks for replies. I like the idea of handing the phone to Dd to speak to head of year.

I am waiting for school to call back. I've taken her phone and ipad away, told her she can't watch tv. She's doing homework at the moment.

she has said she will go in tomorrow and face the consequences even though I keep repeating that it was much better to go in today and sort it out.

OP posts:

iPaddy · 22/10/2014 16:27

Well done, it will hopefully have taught her a lesson to get to the bus on time!

Original poster

MyballsareSandy · 22/10/2014 16:35

True what you say MrsMcRuff about springing it on her, she's the sort that likes routine and similarity.

Her sister has just got home (same age), amazed that she stayed off all day just because she missed the bus. When DD mentioned seclusion all day due to being late, her sister laughed and said it's only seclusion for break time for a lateness. I thought an all day exclusion was a bit strict!

A typical example of DD getting the wrong end of the stick. I've tried talking to her about any worries regarding school but she clams up. Maybe her sister will get more out of her.

OP posts:

Original poster

MyballsareSandy · 22/10/2014 16:38

Regarding feeling powerless, I agree I do hold the power at her age regarding gadgets, lifts, pocket money, friends etc, after the event, but this is the first time I've ever been faced with her refusing to do something and me being unable to force her - either by bribing, threatening or cajoling.

OP posts:

RandomFriend · 22/10/2014 16:53

My first thoughts on reading this case was that there may be some reason that she didn't want to go school today.

I think the rules (about lifts if the bus is missed) need to be spelled out in advance.

Can you discuss it with her? You probably have to drive her one more time, and explain that next time she has to walk. Or that you drive her only once per week and she walks if she misses the bus a second time?

Deciding not to take her today because you saw that she had other options just felt like an unannounced change of rules to her.

It gets increasingly harder to make them do what you want them to do. It is increasingly about negotiating and other tricks to get her to want to do what you need her to do. In my experience, carrots work better than sticks.

You have all my sypmathy with a school refuser. Hopefully this is just one day.

specialsubject · 22/10/2014 18:14

find out if there is a reason, bullying etc.

if not - remove all privileges. And maybe remind her that in some places, education is so prized that girls risk being shot to go to school. And have been shot for going to school.

yes, I know this is the 'starving kids in Africa thing' but I am not in the mood to sympathise with entitlement.

deejay74 · 28/10/2014 13:27

Been there, done that. My DS threw the school when 15. Found out in a school of 1500 kids, there are many getting left by the way side. I found out as well that he needs to be challenged. Sadly the system we are having here (Scotland) does not support that thinking. I come from Germany, there a "disruptive" child gets tested and checked, if it is a case of being bored due to being ahead of times, they will be put a class forward to be challenged and be kept engaged. The teachers here kept telling me that he finishes all work within the class, they hand over "homework" which he finishes in school as well. Therefore, he was bored, not challenged enough....I had an awful time the last 4 years trying to handle a teenager, who is actually really clued up. He stopped going to school, but taught himself higher level chemistry, physics and maths. That didn't stop him from being cheeky, looking at me in utter discontent ( as I am beneath him) - I had to learn not to take it personally, later he will recognise that I am not beneath him, not know anything, stupid or any other bad adjective he can find.
When speaking to my dad about it, he just winks and says "remember?" - he is sooo right! I behaved the same way. Rolling my eyes, that old git does know nothing attitude... How it has changed!
Our relationship has certainly suffered due to our behaviours towards each other. Every day I take it as it comes now. I learned to take it easy. It was emotionally soo draining. There is only so much control I have over someone's choices of behaviour. Ive stopped asking myself what I have done wrong/could have done better/should be doing. So, sometimes my now 19yr old DS opens up, sometimes still fuddles about in his world. But I am sure he/we will get there. ;-)

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