How do I get my 16yr old DD to spend more time studying and less time on facebook?

[MacRoz]

My 16 yr old DD did OK in her GCSE's but did not meet her predicted grades due to a complete lack of work. She was disappointed and recognised that she just didn't put the work in. I thought this might spur her on to take her studies seriously when she started 6th Form College. Apparently not!! She spends every moment on facebook with her friends and now her first boyfriend, or texting or running up a stupendous 5GBs a day streaming youtube videos. I seem to swing from either making her life miserable by constantly nagging her to work or struggling to back off and let her "sink or swim". She seems to think she'll get the grades just by turning up, even though her GCSE performance taught her otherwise.

Sadly all other aspects of her life seem to be being neglected - she offers no help with any chores, doesn't do any music practice which she used to love, her room is a health hazard and any request for action on her part is met with either rudeness or the proverbial "Yeah I'll do it later".

I always used to be able to negotiate with her and if that didn't work either bribery or threats worked quite well. I am pleased that she has nice friends and wants to socialise but a bit more balance would be good. Should I just let her learn the hard way (again!) or has anybody any suggestions? Help

You could lay down the boundaries on phone use, room cleanliness, boyfriend etc.

I know these are easier to say than carry out, but it's a start.

I think you should tackle one thing at a time for your own sanity.

Try making it really clear that everyone in the family does chores to help family life run smoothly. If she wants to opt out that's fine, but you won't be doing chores for her from now on either - then withdraw cash, lifts, ironing and so on.

Don't let the bedroom bother you too much - you can always shut the door on it, and she's the one living in it, although I don't think it's unreasonable to expect basic hygiene. So no food or dirty crockery, bin emptied and bedding washed.

I don't think there's much you can do about college, as frustrating as it must be. The time for compelling her to work has long gone and, if she lacks self-motivation, I suspect that she will underperform several times yet before she gets the message.

But you can stop the wasted hours on Facebook - turn the router off.

Don't know if this would be possible for you, but DD1 age 15

• no internet access on phone
• upstairs laptop for school work has facebook and youtube blocked
• use of downstairs laptop for facebook only permitted at end of day after schoolwork done

Is she frightened to try hard in case she doesn't do well? Obviously that might be wrong. But it might be that if she doesn't try hard then doesn't do well she has an 'excuse,' whereas if she goes for it and doesn't do as well as she hoped she will feel really down about it.

Do you think she feels valued for herself regardless of what she achieves?

How well do you know the BF?

What does she want to do when she leaves school what I had to was to get her to focus on the exam results she needed, she is in 6th yr (Scottish 6th form) she would flit from facebook to twitter to god knows what else I have had to police it last year and yell homework or study periodically its exhausting.
I have told both my dds that I wouldn't be supporting them if they left school to doss about they had to do something and usually to do something you need half decent exam results

Oh and just stop doing stuff for her no washing etc

How does she fund her social life? If its pocket money then tie it to chores. Agree with ignoring the bedroom with two rules (1) only her clothes in the laundry basket are washed - if she chooses to leave them all iver her floor thats where they stay and (2) no food or drinks in there aside from maybe bottled water.

Wrt studying, can you turn off the Wifi at set times so she can work untempted?

There's always the old fashioned study timetable, at least it'll remind her what she's supposed to be doing.

How Internet savvy are you? With newer routers you can block particular devices at different times and restrict access to certain sites. But she's snapchat and tweet etc over 3G anyway.

I know suggesting going out to see friends in real life rather than on social media isn't always greeted with enthusiasm but worth a try.

As for the boyfriend, hmmmm, I'd watch that. Especially if he never visits the house or when he does he never stops to speak to you

Have you tried installing Filter Focus?

Facebook the worst thing for teenagers! Hard one and had a lot of battles with my teens with this! Does she use the internet access for homework? If not remove her phone from her for an hour or two and turn your internet box off! Otherwise if she needs it for homework remove phone and block Facebook on laptop if u have parental settings. Good luck xx

U know sometimes though you have to let them learn by their own silly mistakes! As hard as this May be for us

Unplug the wifi router or, if you want to continu8e to use it, change the password.

I' with mumofthree

16yr old was on target for decent exam results. Studying well.

B/f with zero aspiration comes on scene and it all goes up in smoke. Fails half her exams, restricted choice for following year, now got one more chance to save her place on one of the last of her academic subjects or get kicked off the course.

Does she give a rats arse? No but still thinks she deserves a car for her 17th!

Like we could have afforded one anyway, but just shows how far up their own behinds they are with their judgement skills!

It is normal teen behaviour to avoid chores , battle and battle. Girls are very verbal and will go harder than you.
It is not worth battling. Sanctions are futile. The only effect of a sanction is for them to feel hatred towards you and more shouting.
Pick your battles. If you insist on chores, room cleaning and instrument practice you will just shout at each other and a dreadful atmosphere. The result of that means there will be no space for conversation to sort out A levels.
My feeling would be not to expect anything from her. Ask her once to do something. When she doesn't do it , you do it. The fact you asked her stays in her subconscious. As she matures she will start to do the chores of her free will.
After a calm week then write her a letter. Writing avoids confrontation , she can read it and think about what you wrote. Do not expect a reply. Write that you are worried she will fail if she doesn't do the work. That you will support her. Can she do an hour a night phone free. Then she can spend the rest of the day with it. It can be by her when she studies just face down and on sent and no vibration.
I'm sure there are many mums that will be horified at this easy approach. But you need a kid who you can talk to and a calm household for sanities sake. It worked with me. (Most of the time ;))

Thank you all so much for your replies. Apologies a family crisis took me away from the internet for a while. I have to say I suspect mumofthree and heyho are on the right lines. Sanctions, which I have implemented by the bucket load, just create a battleground. All her reports from college say she has the ability to do brilliantly but lacks confidence in herself. I suspect its time to sink or swim! Thank you all