DD (14) wants to go to boyfriend's house. I don't know anything about boyfriend. Advice please!

[Didadida]

Don't know if I'm being PFB about this. DD (14) has recently got her first boyfriend. She's at all all girls' school, the boy is from the all boys' school nearby. DD has known the boy for a few weeks, DH has met him and a few of his friends (they were in a band together for a few weeks till DD dropped out). I've stalked him on FB and he seems OK - lots of female friends though no idea if they're girlfriends (ie if he goes it with loads of girls) or not. He seems like a normal enough teenage boy and they have some (vague) mutual friends so hope he wouldn't try anything on.

So, DD has told me (not asked me) she's going to his house this Thurs and claims (I have no way of checking) that his parents (who I don't know) will be there. Also no idea what is acceptable to his parents anyway. So I feel mildly uncomfortable.

Not sure what I'm worried about - am I being too neurotic/over-protective and should I just let DD go and accept it as part of the growing-up process? Or should I be worried? He's invited her to his house several times before - seems keen - though this was before she knew him very well or was going out with him, so I said no. Should I just let her go, or are there are limitations I can add? (eg I must have his parents' no or something)?

Thanks.

I suppose the boy expecting too much sexually (or worse, demanding),

And of course your DD expecting too or demanding something from him he isnt comfortable with?

I realise she's 14 and very pretty and my hope of keeping her that innocent these days is probably highly unrealistic!

Lose the loaded language. "Innocent" really means ignorant and that is not what you want when it comes to a teenager approaching romantic or sexual relationships. Think of it this way- does 'losing her innocence' mean she is somehow guilty? For what? Doing what pretty much all humans do? What she is pre programmed to want to do? Having sex? Lose the talk of innocence as it does her no favours. She needs to be in full possession of the facts, her options, her self esteem and personal boundaries, he partner's boundaries, her support network. Knowing these things does not make her 'lose her innocence' it makes her prepared. Not necessarily 'ready' but prepared.

I'm not convinced she's have the confidence to 'just say no' to stuff like that

Work on this. This isnt a one time conversation. Its a change in how you talk at home, to her, to your partner, to friends when she is there. Discuss the types of shows she watches and the feelings the characters are feeling, ask her how she'd feel, what she might do in that scenario. Keep it relaxed. The worst thing you can do is make this an issue as she could clam up and start talking less, not more. It really is about a general change in attitudes at home, how you talk, how you treat her and your partner so she is seeing respectful relationships and experiencing them at home. Make sure she is in no doubt about the fact that she is in charge of what she does or doesnt do and that you absolutely will always come for her/answer the phone no matter how much trouble she thinks she'll be in.

Also- practise your 'i'm not at all shocked at this shocking information' face. A lot

Diaduit is talking sense.

Have you watched Only way is Essex? Or made/laid in Chelsea? Teenage girls use this kind of rubbish as their reference points for relationships as much as the way they do their hair and make up.

They love in a world of emotional highs, lows and crises,it's the stage they're going through. During this time self esteem can take a dive, it's up to you to give her the self confidence to control her own part in a relationship.

You can talk contraception all you like, self and mutual respect, affection and love are much more important.

All true - think DD's self-esteem is quite low which is partly why I worry about her being influenced/pressured more than I would say, DD2, who is way more confident. On the other hand, I hope being asked out by someone who's keen on her will at least up her self-esteem in some ways. No, all useful advice - we do need to have more mature conversations - she's quite immature for her age, I think, certainly socially, compared to others I know of her age.

Also would add that its important she maintains her friendships and hobbies now. It will be very tempting for her to devote all her time to her new boyfriend if she thinks it's love. Make sure she is keeping a foot in all those other aspects of her life.

Also- does she have an ambition/career path in mind? Great time to start 'bigging up' how great a career/life that will be and encourage her towards the idea that she should start making a plan towards it.

I was a teen mum. I honestly think if i had a career goal i would have been determined not to get pregnant. As it was i never really set any goals and drifted from min wage job to min wage job til i got pregnant at 18. There wasnt anything to 'lose' for me (or thats how i saw it) so pregnancy wasnt a 'risk'. I'm 10 years on and only now getting round to doing a degree and setting some life goals. Really wish i'd done it pre children.

At 14 my DC never told me what to do, dont let her do it to you! My agreement was that if we didnt know the parents, I would give them a lift to the house or walk the dogs to the house and knock on the door with my child. I would introduce myself by way of leaving a contact number in case of emergency!! they all went along with this. In fact its only since they've gone to uni that they don't tell me where they are, which is great cos I dont want to know! It became a habit....consequently always had idea where they were.

Also my friend uses 'find a friend' app so she knows they have arrived at the house if they go alone, this way she has to have the address.

If you'd rather meet this boy before letting your DD go to his house - which might or might not happen anyway - teenagers change their plans incredibly frequently - their organisational skills and communication are usually em, underdeveloped - then I think you have every right to insist on it. How you get your DD to agree to that is another matter of course!

FWIW - you won't get to actually know this boy by meeting him - he'll be on his best behaviour (speaks from bitter experience) - you'll only get a very general impression of him.

Re his being in a band and spending a lot of time at the park: my 15YO DS does both these things too, but in the (unlikely) event of him inviting a girlfriend home I'd be looking out for both of them and checking that her parents were happy about the situation. (My slightly older DD has a BF who's in a band - he is much nicer than her straight-laced ex-BF - I know it's not the sort of activity you hope your DD's BF will have, but I wouldn't necessarily assume it means he's wild. The most important thing is that he respects your DD and is nice to her.

I agree with the other posters who say that one of the ways you will manage to protect your DD at this age is to talk and listen to her, let her know you are happy for her to have a good social life and enjoy the usual teenage stuff and that you will support her choices as she is sensible. Agree a code word she can use if she ever gets wants to get out of a situation quickly, without the person/people around her knowing that she's calling or texting to be taken home. Very good advice to try to appear unshockable - your DD won't talk to you if she thinks you'll be shocked/offended/disapproving....

And find out about the local teenage scene and their views so you can give relevant advice. reading twitter can be very educational

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask to meet him first. For the rest of it you will just have to trust that your daughter does the right thing.

LeftHandedMouse and DiaDuit - great advice. So true that everything is a drama and they seem to think they are actually living their version of Waterloo Road, Hollyoaks, etc.

And yes, self-respect, mutual respect and having the confidence to say/do what is right for you are key for teens to develop. Much harder to help them with than a quick chat about contraception.

Thank you all - really helpful! Especially liked 3teenageboys' advice on taking her there and giving/getting a number 'for emergencies' - though in this situation she was planning on going back with him straight after school, so doesn't quite work! But in fact I've realised she has an orthodontist appt on date night, so a genuine excuse to spike it this time < phew>

I'm actually perfectly happy with him being in as band as he seems quite professional about it and parents work in the industry. (Very bright but lazy) DD has claimed she wants to be 'a musician' (ie a pop star!) as a career choice but does almost no practicing, so he could actually be quite a good influence, potentially! I'd like her to be putting some effort into something and music is as good as anything.

Must discuss the code word thing, too - thanks for the reminder.

:)

My kids also know that they can blame me if they need to get out of a situation. I'm quite happy to be portrayed as the evil, mean mum who just wants to spoil their fun.

You sound very passive about this - you need to. E a bit more proactive ie get the number of this boy's parents (or the next boy- there will be one!) and call and introduce yourself. Perhaps just say "I'm just double checking your expecting DD next Weds after school, what time should she be picked up" or whatever. Make the connection. And if it mortified DD all well and good- you are not her friend here, you are her Mum and you need to know where she is and who she's with as far as possible. And yes you need to. E talking about all the gory details pronto

Cpl of thoughts to add...

Social life, yes you must encourage her to keep it up. He mustn't become the entire reason for her existence. That road leads to heartbreak.

If he's a nice kid he'll want her to do this, and to meet her friends, and for her to meet his.

Friend of ours played in a band all the way through his final exam year, very successful on the local music scene but still cracked the study hours in and did really well. He wants to do something he enjoys with his life at a decent level so being a laid back musician isn't necessarily bad.

Be prepared for his parents to have a completely different domestic set up to yours, not saying they will just be ready for it. And remind your daughter it's your rules she's playing to not theirs.

Stay In touch with her, and try and enjoy the journey.

I think 14 is a v transtitional age and csn b difficult for us parents my dd1 wanted to grow up v quickly which was frsnkly quite scsry as she was into buying quite provactive underwesr especialky when stsying w innocent cousins who were same but still in vests! Your daughter sounds quitecyoung for her age my advise is go w your gut feeling check out the boy invite him over fir tea etc so u csn get a better look at him and b honest w dd that u want to meet him b4 agreeing to her going to his house. She may want that as if a follower may not know howxto say no ezpe ially if she really likez him. Also on her going tk his take her there so can see where hue lives, meet parents etc and agree a time to collect her that way u have more control. Other than that you have to learn to trust her but I think in some ways she msybe wantjng u to lead on this but doesn't want to say as much of fesr of looking like a child. Good luck