Have I/We caused this...so hurt

[smileyforest]

I dont want to write an essay..sat here just crying...thinking of my two DS and how they were...
Last night ....I had the night from hell...
Both boys came home high on drugs..(obvious) weed? something else? I had noise all night, doors banging, up/downstairs..constant noise...no matter how I tried to ask them to please calm and stay in rooms. I had to go to work today (medical profession)...I had very little sleep...This morning...I felt too emotional to be angry...took them to their Dads and told them I didnt want to see them....
Have I caused this?
Divorced...(but we are working together to support these boys)
Should I have called the Police..re drugs?
Things go well for a while then....I back to 'worrying' again...it does affect my mental wellbeing?
How do I get through this....cope with this...It breaks my heart...
Willing to try/do whatever ?
Why is it so bad for these young ones today...why are drugs such a massive problem??? boys are 16y and 18y... feeling so sad tonight..x

Have you caused this? Not at all. I'm so sorry you are sad and powerless, but I would be also.

It is "just" their choice, and they don't see it as abnormal for teenage boys. In fact, it is likely that they see it as run-of-the-mill and that abstaining 100% is abnormal. They expect good/humorous experiences with it, not bad. They don't have a great fear of the law. They don't have work in the morning and there are support nets if there are consequences - in every way unlike when your brain finally has to flick the switch to 'grown up'.

I'd get hold of 'How to talk to kids so they will listen and listen to kids so they will talk' (is that what it's called?) It has some fairly good alternatives to banning or going off the handle in which boundaries are negotiated by all - as you've got a right to boundaries too since their behaviour affects you selfishly.

Although I have a few years to go, I think, before I have to grasp this nettle, I think what I would do is insist on them having a part time job (probably one that makes them nice and tired anyway), in order to be in control of their own money as you won't be continuing to support their pursuit of illegal activity and stupidity. I know my parents would have been disgusted with me if I had attempted this too often, not amused, although I don't think they would have banned it, and this did act as a fairly good curb.

Incidentally - and this may be cold comfort - if they are getting on ok and otherwise relatively balanced, consider that not going off the rails for a long period may mean that it is just a ticking time bomb and rather it be now than in 10 years...

So sorry. Hand holding. It's not your fault.
Someone with more experience of this will be along soon.

It is nothing you have done. They sound pretty normal teenage boys. They don't think. I would have a conversation with them about respecting the needs of other family members, who don't want to be kept up half the night.

Teenagers test boundaries. It's what they do.

I agree with ruralbliss, a chat about respecting the other members of the household is in order. They are growing up and experimenting, they need to learn to do it without annoying other people.

The drugs issue - it would depend I think on the drug (crack for example is not in the same league as pot, although it sounds more likely that they're on some kind of high so pot is unlikely) and on the rest of their behaviour. It also depends on what outcome you want from that conversation. Just about every single person I know experimented a little bit with something in their teens - pot or whatever, but not all of them were sensible about it and that's the crux of the issue.

I was a teenager who used drugs from 14-19
It wasn't anyone's fault
It was my choice

Yes, it is their choice, and sounds like they took something which made them less inhibited so that they were not aware of how inconsiderate they were being.

They could have taken legal highs. Risky (can cause depression and other mental health problems) but not illegal to take or to sell. When they are awake, alert and not under the influence you need to ask them what they took (don't react, you need them to be opwen and honest with you) what they remember from it and whether they were aware of being wired and noisy. Keep it low key so your message gets across. Careful about what that message is...'You can take drugs as long as I don't find out about it' is what it might come across as. I would say it is important that someone who is not taking drugs knows what they are taking so if there is an emergency and hospital trip is needed, they can get help quickly. Put concern about their safety first, and mention how it impacts on you in a way that makes them think.

I have a different set of problems with teenagers, and the biggest aspect is dishonesty (coupled with theft/borrowing without asking).

Id agree with making them get a job so you are not financing their activities. They need to feel the astonishment of "oh I cant go out with my mates tonight because I have to WORK! tomorrow". Id also be making it clear that things like cars and driving lessons will only be financed up to a certain amount and after that, they will need to be working to fund their transport.

My kids all have their pocket money stopped the day they turn 16. Its amazing how, after a couple of months of beligerence and "Its not fair...all my friends...can I borrow £10" will focus their attention on job hunting.

Once they are earning (and spending), the lure of illicit substances is not as great - if you only have £20 to last the month, and a hit of substance X costs you a tenner, then it does stop and make you think about choices.

Thanks for replies...
Both have part-time jobs...both doing A levels...both bright boys ...just mixed up in this scene of 'chilling' and obvious drugs. No alcohol. Drugs are easily available. All hobbies they had have stopped, not into sport...its 'chilling'...appears to be the 'hobby' iyswim. The eldest returned here and has been sleeping in his room, not had chance to talk but will do this eve.The younger one with his Dad, spoke briefly to him, he will return this eve. Have spoken to their Dad and he is supportive, knows exactly what went on...I'm finding this time of their lives ...so so difficult....maybe the future appears grim....lack of jobs even with a degree...housing expensive etc...so they have little hope of independence....
Just feel sad about it.
However...new day...life goes on
Thankyou x

Little hope of independence for then should not mean zero independence or choices in your own home for you though. It is up to them what hobbies they have etc, but if they are taking illegal drugs I'd be banning that.

The older one can go and live on his own in a shared house if you kick him out, btw.