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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Angry teenager accuses us of crap parenting

7 replies

nutiella · 17/10/2014 23:49

Hi, our 16 yo DS2 is the youngest of 3 (S,D,S). He has always been closer to his dad than to me. We both work long hours, stressful jobs. Reorganisations meant that the only work I can get means a long commute most days which means I am rarely home before 7. I work from home 1-2 days to counter this. We have been through huge family stress the last two years: flooding, evacuation, multiple rented homes, and have recently discovered the house wasnt dried properly initially, so we are back to square one. DD has had serious mental health issues this year having witnessed the death of her 16 yo climbing partner at school- she is making a good but slow recovery, but it has certainly sapped my energy and optimism at times. Recently DS2 has started to get very angry with us and is accusing us of being crap parents. He has always been very independent, which we have encouraged. But now he is turning that round and accusing us of neglect. The conversations are very hurtful and it is difficult for me to prevent total family meltdown when he starts on us. In fact he is a wonderful lad, whom we love dearly. But he tells us he doesn't love us and can't wait to go. I just try to keep my cool and reiterate how much we love him, whatever. i am sure he is finding the prospect of yet more building work and disruption very stressful. I understand all that. But how should we manage these angry episodes, which are getting more frequent and more sophisticated?

OP posts:
Heyho111 · 18/10/2014 00:48

An adulesent is moving between being a child and becoming an independant adult. They swing through emotions which cause them to literally feel hatred toward parents. Boys are also filled with sexual thoughts about women. This makes them feel quite weird about having a mother/son relationship. It causes them to not chat to mums but have a better relationship with dads. You are lucky in a back handed way. Your son will talk. The more he can talk and rant the better his transition to adulthood will be. Boys don't talk which can cause anger.
If you feel he needs more than you and his dad think about him having a chat to a school councillor.
No family is straight forward. Don't beat yourself up about your situation. It's just life. He knows you love him. He just can't show it.
I hope your daughter gets over her traumer. No wonder you are on your knees. It's been so tough for you.
Another thing to remember is. The lad that others see away from their parents is the true person not the grumpy back chatting ball of hormones we have the pleasure of.

Northernparent68 · 18/10/2014 07:10

I think it's important to validate his feelings, you need to listen to him, what is he saying you could have done differently ? It's great you tell him you love him but he may interpret that as dismissing his anger.

Try and open up a conversation about why he is unhappy.

Would he like some one to one time with his father ?

letmelego · 18/10/2014 09:02

There is a lot going on in their heads at this age - and they are sometimes inclined to take it out on those nearest to them.

They throw out words they know will hit home, but these are not necessarily things that are really bothering them. He hates you, you're crap parents, you've ruined his life - you, us and everyone else Smile.

Develop a thicker skin and a united front with your DH. Look displeased when he speaks to you like that, ask him if he has anything he wants to get off his chest. You could perhaps get a bit spikier with him, point out what life is like for children who are actually neglected. Don't accord it so much importance in your life.

Get on with your life, support your DD who really needs you. Support yourself, because everyone needs you.

Maximise any potential for positive interaction with him but be happy for him to do his own thing.

You have been brilliant, caring parents and he hates you for not giving him sufficient ammunition for some teenage hormone-driven rant.

jellybeans · 19/10/2014 11:07

I have had similar off my DD. What it tends to be is that they takeout the stresses off their lives on the person they feel most secure with. I refuse to let DD speak to me in a very disrespectful or abusive tone though and don't agree that 'just because' they are teenagers they should get away with it. So if DD calls me a shit parent, she cannot then immediately expect free wifi, a lift, cooked meal etc. If she spoke like that to someone at work or friends they wouldn't tolerate it. Thick skin is needed!

chocoluvva · 19/10/2014 11:23

Do you think you have made any parenting mistakes? I would apologise but also remind your DS that no parent is perfect; all any parent can do is try their best to do what they think is right for their DC. He needs to remember that.

But he is probably questioning the status quo rather than rejecting it deep down. It probably never occurred to him that his peers were parented slightly differently from him so it didn't occur to him to 'reject' your parenting style until recently.

letmelego · 19/10/2014 11:39

Maybe you are feeling low and stressed after so much moving, and the prospect of more disruption and this makes teenage moods much harder to bear. Their anger can be very hard to take (I know this) and make an an awful atmosphere. If you are the sort of person who absorbs this, then it can leave you feeling like you've reached disaster point, while they have rolled merrily on to something else.

A teacher once told me something very useful - don't judge their anger as adult anger. In ordinary cases (and nothing you say in the OP makes me think this child has actually suffered anything major) they give it out much more easily but it doesn't mean as much. They are not fully formed.

I really think the key for you will be regaining your own energy and getting some perspective on this situation.

ihatethecold · 19/10/2014 11:56

Have you thought about you or your dh reducing work hours for a while.
Teens really do need parents around.
I'm not criticising you in any way.
I know you have to work.
Good luck op with everything.
It sounds like life is quite stressful for you all.

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