Son doesn't want to do ANYTHING for his 18th birthday

[marthabear]

My DS has his 18th birthday coming up. He suffers with anxiety, spends a lot of time gaming and not much of a social life. I've been secretly dreading his 18th as I know in his heart he would love to be partying, but just doesn't have that kind of friendship group. We have booked time off work to enable us to go away as a family to celebrate if DS decides that what he would like to do, but when I broached the subject today he said he doesn't want to do anything. No going away or even a meal out. I guess doing boring stuff with his family just emphasises to him the social life with his peers that he is missing out on. I feel so sorry for him. Surely he can't spend his 18th in his bedroom.

Ds was like this. I insisted we had a family meal out at his fave restaurant and had his presents there but just let him do what he wanted for the rest of the day, which was mainly gaming, and kept the whole thing low profile which is what makes him feel secure and happy.

It's tough having a child like this, but acceptance and no pressure seems to help.

I had a similar situation with DS2, who like your DS was suffering with anxiety. He didn't want to do much for his 18th, but we persuaded him to go out for a family meal, then let him spend the rest of the day doing what he wanted to - which was chilling out at home and gaming.

As I said on another thread this evening (I saw you on the thread too, OP) he changed a lot when he went to uni, made friends there and became much more sociable. Treatment for the anxiety has helped him a lot as well.

Ds1 never used to socialise out of school and spent all his free time gaming, but I think it was partly because he didn't know how to be with friends outside school, iyswim. When he was 16 we paid for him and three friends to go to a stand-up comedy show, with a visit to pizza express first. That worked really well. He had never met up with them outside school before.

Would this be a possibility for your ds? Going to an event, like a show or a concert, guves a focus and isn't as stressful for a shy teen as having friends round where he has to entertain them.

I used to worry about DS1 having no obvious friends, never leaving his room etc. He is now 18, has lots of friends and is always going out in the evenings. However, he definitely prefers doing something like going to the cinema with one or two friends to going clubing or partying.

Why force him to celebrate his birthday when he clearly does nt want to ? Why is nt allowed to not have a party ?

Would he use a gift voucher for a meal with friends perhaps? There are some fantastic deals on sites like Itison, Groupon etc.

I go with family meal out too, making a big deal of it. He might grow out of his anxiety one day and it will be nice for him to have a special 18th to look back on. Have you got any cousins/aunties/uncles/other couples you are friends with etc who could be rustled up to make a party of ten or so? Also the idea from usedtobepaxman is a very good one, something which doesn't require hours of awkward conversation!

I know he says he doesn't want to do anything but maybe you should bring it out in the open and say in a jokey way, if you aren't going to go out with your nerdy friends you'll have to come out with us! I don't think it's a bad thing to bring 'popularity' out there as a family subject, it makes it very acceptable to be quiet or unsociable, even like a choice, and it makes the children happier because at least they don't have to pretend at home.

My son's 18th birthday is today. He has ADHD and severe anxiety. I bought him exercise bike but he doesn't want anything else. If I surprise him with some birthday celebration event he wouldn't enjoy it. It's his birthday, not mine. Forcing my ways could turn his birthday to disaster. We should respect other people with our children included. 🙂