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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

18 birthday spend. Whats normal?

28 replies

jenny1974x · 14/10/2014 09:07

DD has a bit of a strop on as I told her we cannot afford a party for her 18th. I have bought her a necklace for £150 and plan on spending another £150 on gifts, plus taking her and a few of her friends out for a meal. She said her b/f got a car which cost £3k and we are being tight.

If I could afford it she could have it, but we don't and to be honest £400 is going to be a stretch, especially as her birthday is 2 weeks before Christmas.

My friend, who has a similar household income to us, says she spent around £2k on gifts and a party for her sons 18th and that its a special day and I should just stick it on the credit card.

So whats normal? DD says most of her friends are getting cars or a big party.

OP posts:

BlueberryWafer · 14/10/2014 09:10

I got £50 cash and a party that cost £100. This was 5 years ago. For my 21st I got £50 and a meal out (was pg with ds so no big party).

hellsbells99 · 14/10/2014 09:14

Jenny - we will be doing similar to you. DD's birthday is in the Spring and I have already started managing expectations! I have said she can have a small 'gathering' with a BBQ - no large party. She is after a Tiffany bracelet - but will be a silver one. If they are going to uni they won't need a car anyway. But DD does have one of ours that she can borrow/share.
She said her friend has asked her to have a joint party at friends house so she may go down that route - I am happy to split costs of food etc with other parents. All 18th parties she has been invited to so far (4) have been bring your own alcohol if you wish to have a drink. None of them have been big parties - just normal house ones.

chocoluvva · 14/10/2014 14:22

My DD was 18 last week!

She chose a piece of jewellery costing @£150 and wasn't expecting anything else but we also gave her £180, a jumper and a personalised decoration that I personalised further, costing £20.

Her bf took her out for dinner the weekend of her birthday, she came home for a 'slap-up' home-cooked dinner with us, her bf and a family friend and she held a party the following weekend in her student accommodation. Her flatmates made her a cake and her student classmates also bought her a cake. It reminded me a bit of when they're five and manage to string out the celebrations for a week what with family get-togethers, classroom stuff and the official 'party' for friends.

Her bf commented that his 18th was much more low-key.

DD has been to lots of 18th birthday house parties but none in an official venue.

She had a brilliant week.

JubJubBirds · 14/10/2014 14:30

She sounds pretty ungrateful tbh so I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't fancy doing anything at all for her now!

But could she not have a house party? You dont have to provide food/drink so it would cost you absolutely nothing (except the inconvenience of giving up your house to a bunch of 18yr olds.) Give her a limit for the number of guests and tell her there's no budget but that you'll go out and leave them to it until 11pm/midnight/whatever time you feel comfortable with.

chocoluvva · 14/10/2014 14:30

I think fun is worth a lot. DD enjoyed being fussed over and appreciated the annual happy birthday banners being put up. I got slightly tipsy which was entertaining apparently and she said that the party she had in her student flat was really good - even though it was just friends round for drinks and very basic food. I think she enjoyed organising it herself - perhaps your DD would enjoy that too?

It's hard when they have rich friends....

If you stick to mostly beer and wine at a party it can be surprisingly cheap to host. They don't seem to expect much in the way of food.

BlueberryWafer · 14/10/2014 14:41

Sorry but if my son or daughter threw a strop because I "only" spent £400 on their birthday they wouldn't be getting any of the extra stuff. It's ridiculous how much people expect for an 18th.

ChillySundays · 16/10/2014 14:04

At 18 yrs old she is old enough to understand that that there isn't a endless supply of money. There will be kids out there that would kill to have £400 spent on there birthday. She is having more than some.
My DD had a car (£1200 but was also Christmas present as well). Others were given car way more expensive but we couldn't afford more (especially with the insurance on top). One of the girls in her class actually said I would kill for your car - the girl had 1 £500 car which she had had to pay for herself. DD realised then that some will have more some will have less.
Please don't think that I am here boasting - what I am trying to say is that if you spent more your DD would still know someone who had had more spent and be comparing

velourvoyageur · 17/10/2014 15:04

Jesus christ. My 18th was three years ago and I don't think I got any cash from my parents, and it was normal presents like all the other years- books, CDs...

Give her the 150 to buy stuff for a house party if she wants a party, but on top seems a lot....

ByTheWishingWell · 17/10/2014 15:15

For my 18th my parents took me, my siblings and partners out for a meal, and bought me a laptop. I knew that I was lucky that they could afford to do that.

I wouldn't have expected them to pay for a party- I went for a night out with my friends, but would have thought parents organising and paying for birthday parties was a childhood thing.

chocoluvva · 17/10/2014 16:36

I don't even remember my 18th birthday! almost thirty years ago

My 21st involved granny coming round for dinner - home-made vegetarian lasagne then onto the local disco with some pals.

FWIW.

I can't stress how much more grateful for my efforts my 18YO DD has become since she moved out a few weeks ago.

Haffdonga · 17/10/2014 17:02

A 500 quid cheque here, a few little bits and bobs to open and a family meal out. The cash wasn't enough to get ds the item he wanted but was to put towards it and was more than what we could afford.

Some of ds's friends got cars. Some got parties. Others not so much.

comedancing · 19/10/2014 11:15

Ds was 18 last summer. He had been invited on holiday with pal and his parents. Present was cash for holiday spending. His sister annd brother got him few clothes for holiday. He was delighted with himself. All his friends were the same. No big presents. He was in a private school so some quite wealthy families but they didnt go over the top. 21st are bigger here.We hada party at home for dd . Did spend about 500 euro but she is 22 now and has never had any jewellery for 150 and neither has any of her friends. Just let it over your head. There is nothing as upsetting for parents as ungratefulness. Kids at that age are expensive with college stuff etc..thats enough.

jellybeans · 19/10/2014 11:19

£100 for my DDs 18th. She earns £300 a month in part time job and arranged her own joint party with some friends. I have never been a believer in a fuss over 18/21/30 etc!! Especially if said teenager has put you through hell or been hideously ungrateful!!! Most off DDs friends don't have parties or huge presents and this is a pretty affluent area.

offtoseethewizard64 · 19/10/2014 21:46

DS won't be getting a car for his 18th as apparently everyone else got one for their 17th even though he has passed his drving test. He gets to use our small car at weekends and evenings and as the 2 universities at the top of his list have both said "no student cars allowed on campus" then there's not much point in getting him one - even if we could afford it.
He doesn't want a party - not much of a party animal and as he will be one of the older one's in his year, most of his friends wouldn't be able to drink if they went out and wouldn't be able to get into a club.
We offered him the choice of taking a group of friends out for a pizza or going for a family meal with us somewhere more expensive with just 1 friend . He has opted for the family meal.
He will be getting a reasonable sum of money from us, but only because I took out a childrens bond a number of years ago and paid in a small monthly sum. I am just hoping that he spends it wisely and saves some for Uni - but it is up to him. He is aware of how this money has been saved so knows it is not just ready cash out of our bank account.
We will get him a couple of other small gifts - perhaps some cuff links (as he is going to a do where he needs some in the near future) and possibly a trial flying lesson at the local airfield - but he won't be getting any more lessons than that out of us.
OP I think your DD needs to get a reality check about family finances and be grateful for what you are giving her.

LeftHandedMouse · 19/10/2014 22:03

What you can afford!

Both my kids 18th parties were at the same venue, about 250 for the party, dj, etc for 80 kids.

Presents, tricky one as they both asked for the instrument they had played at school, but one was about twice the price of the other. Luckily work bonus arrived in time for both.

If that had not been the case we wouldn't have gone past a few hundred pounds. Not because you can't spend as much as you can imagine on your kids but more because after a point it's just more money.

Cars... No way, just he sheer running costs are beyond the means of most teens. They're for when they actually need transport, for work etc and I'd help them out then if they needed it.

Call me tight, but I've tried to teach my two the value of money and how hard it can be to come by sometimes. And we're not badly off!

BlueberryWafer · 20/10/2014 07:32

I don't really understand all this business of buying them their first car, I was always told I could drive when I could afford to - which involved buying a car. Maybe it's different because I moved out at 17?

ChillySundays · 20/10/2014 13:29

After all the posts I now feel I need to justify buying my daughter a car!!!!

The cost to insure her on my car () was same as her having a small engine car of her own to start accumulating no claims. She also worked/works shifts and I didn't/don't enjoy having to get up at the crack of dawn to take her to work
If she had been looking at uni would've have decided there was no point in a car.
She has since saved up and changed to a newer car.

3teenageboys · 20/10/2014 15:10

My sons received £150 each and a small gathering. I told them that there are no cars as they will be going to Uni and dont need it.

Your daughter is just pushing you cos she can, stand strong and reduce your outlay to £300. That is a signifcant amount of money because Ill bet she will also be wanting a very special 21st birthday present....just like mine!!

Its the relentless wearing away at your mentality that drives us to seek reassurance from others!!! I felt as though I was letting my sons down not providing cars etc but I stood firm and in all honesty they still love me (well the elder two do!)

3teenageboys · 20/10/2014 15:15

Dear Chillysundays, you absolutely did the right thing. When I was training as a student nurse doing shifts, my parents did the same as they wanted me and i wanted me, to be safe and I would have done exactly the same as you.

It does seem to be the norm now. All my sons friends have very nice cars!!

BlueberryWafer · 20/10/2014 18:19

Chilly I wasn't aiming my post at you, sorry I hope it didn't come across that way :) I should have wasted my post I don't understand the pressure to buy dc's first car - sorry! Didn't mean you shouldn't buy her one

flipchart · 20/10/2014 18:23

DS was 18 in the summer. He got 2 concert tickets, one for him and one for his girlfriend.

We had a birthday meal for 42 people and picked up the bill for that.

To be fair excluding the meal, which I pushed for as an excuse to see the extended family, we didn't spend much.

We had paid for him to learn to drive the year before.

ChillySundays · 20/10/2014 20:40

Blueberry - expect I am being a bit sensitive. I thought there might have been a couple more who had done similar. Mind you perhaps the ones my daughter knows just had the cars bought for passing their test and had extra for their 18th?

If passing her test hadn't come just before Christmas and her 18th being a couple of months after I would have been looking at spending a lot less.

BlueberryWafer · 21/10/2014 10:06

Honestly Chilly you don't need to justify yourself to me, I didn't mean the post how it sounded I think because my parents never had a lot of money (£20 is our Xmas and birthday amount obviously more for my 18th and 21st) I just haven't seen cars as gifts before but if you can afford it I see no reason why you shouldn't get her a car - especially as she's working.

ChillySundays · 21/10/2014 17:29

Thanks Blueberry!

Cooroo · 25/10/2014 22:23

Timely - my DD is 18 on Wednesday! I've bought her a leather jacket she liked (£170) and was dithering whether I should get her a cheap laptop (she has a cousin's old one). Then I saw a coat I know she'd like (£85) so ordered that. That will be it for presents.

She's having a party at home. I'll get food in but it's only about 15 so not pricey. Should I buy drink or will they bring? DP is being packed off for the night as he doesn't cope well with house invasion, and I'll mostly hide upstairs. I actually like most of her friends so will probably say hi before I retire.

Driving - thank god she's happy with buses and trains because I don't think I could afford it! She doesn't demand stuff but that makes me wish I could spend more on her.

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