DS 16 sleeping around - won't listen to me, how do I/She cope!

[exasperatedemma]

My DS doesn't have a boyfriend but has a few 'friends with benefits' - she is using condoms but I am so freaked out by it! I stupidly assumed that she would wait until she had a boyfriend that she'd been with for a little while before doing this. I know I'm having trouble accepting that she is having sex, least of all with god knows who and just feel sick about it. We've talked about the risks, valuing your body, getting pregnant, chlamidya etc but she is fully hormonally charged and doesn't see what the problem is. Am I just going to have to accept that she's going to do it anyway and whatever I say isn't going to make any difference? is this common now? any advice to calm me down would be gratefully received.

It's so different now. What she is doing is the norm now. They seem to divorce the two - having a proper relationship and having some fun. I don't know how but they do. They seem to have fun with people they know rather than anybody. I guess that's better. I think it's something not really talked about or realised.
Be heartened she is open and honest with you. Most aren't even when parents think they are ! She is being sensible. Using condoms etc. It's the norm that they take themselves to be tested for STDs regularly aswell.
She will know the value of a good relationship as from what little you've said you have taught her that and has been bought up in your values. This will mould her for future relationships.
It's experimenting. It will mature into proper relationships in time. It's just hard to understand when it's so far from our youth.

thanks heyho111, you're right, it is so far from how I expected things would develop.

Maryz, yes, it has been a struggle for a few years now with her and my worry apart from her getting STDs and pregnant is that it may damage her fragile self esteem even further if she gets rejected/word spreads/she gets abused ohmigod, the list of things I worry about with her is endless and I am driving myself bonkers! She told a good friend of mine who she is close to what she is doing. She trusts this friend and wouldn't expect her to tell me.

I'm afraid that your last concern is exactly mine. There IS a double standard and the word will get round. The boys won't value her body either and certainly don't value her.

It's not fair, but it is how it is, especially with children which is what they are. Trouble is, the insults go beyond the playground.

I think teenage views towards sex are very liberal and relaxed now. I can understand your concerns about her health and well being, but personally I wouldn't worry (too much) about a reputation as such with her contempories.

My mind is boggled by the explicit things my DSes tell me, - their minds arent boggled, they treat it all as normal - and your dd certainly isn't the only one of her age group to have multiple sexual partners. It seems quite common.

I think all you can do is keep the lines of communication open so she can always always talk to you, whatever has happened.

Exactly what bowler said.

There really isn't such a thing as "reputation" between teenagers now. It really isn't like that anymore. It tends to be the older generation that think along those lines and they won't have a clue unless you tell them!

I'd mind your own business. I shagged loads of people in my teens. Looking back it may not have been the wisest choice but I don't regret it as such.

I enjoyed it at the time anyway. Reputation stuff is a load of rubbish. Casual sex is very normal, friends with benefits is much better for you then meeting strangers I've always thought.

I don't like the term valuing your body either. Why is it less valuable if you ve had lots of sex with lots of people ? Smacks of the "damaged goods" style phrases.

Is it 'the norm' now? Really? I think I've led a sheltered life all right. I can't imagine my own kids acting like that and I hope to God they don't.

It's not abnormal no.
There is nothing wrong with having consensual sex with someone you are not in a relationship with.

Id still consider myself friends with a few of my friends with benefit/ casual shags.

Iwant You can value your body and have lots of sex, but sometimes having lots of sex is a symptom of not valuing your body. You can have sex because you really want to, or you can have sex because you want to feel needed. People with low self-esteem are vulnerable when it comes to sex.

It can be I'm not denying that. But not always.

I guess you cannot change what she is doing, fwiw my DS is a complete tart and tells me far more than I want or need to know the message I always give is 'stay safe' and be respectful. I would work on boosting her self esteem if you feel that is an issue and give the subtle or not message that it is ok to say no too. but hey if she is safe and enjoying herself and is not doing this just to feel loved etc then try not to worry. There really isn't such a thing as "reputation" between teenagers now. sorry but I have to disagree, sadly my DS1 has shown that sexism and double standards are alive and kicking, I have had many heated conversations with him about respect and how he views girls who 'sleep around willingly' tbh it is more the ones with boyfriends who cheat that he is rude about rather than those who have lots of partners, and those who he knows have had more than one guy in a night.