DS, 18, critizes me. It's exhausting.

[Morven11]

DS, 18, is becoming increasingly critical of me. To an outsider, they might seem like small things but the effect is culmulative and I'm exhausted. Typically, he criticises the cleanliness of the dishes and crockery. They're put away clean but I don't always scrutinize them when they come out of the machine (who does?). A typical thing would be just now - when he came down, having eat in his room, to tell me that he couldn't have his (second bowl) of soup because there was a red mark on the bowl. He suspected a bit of tomato. I gently explained that I'd poured the soup into a clean bowl and he said something about needing just to 'glance' at it. Patronising and quite inappropriate.

DH spoke to him but DS usually criticizes when no-one else is around and I think that DH thinks I'm exaggerating. I'm not. It's getting very tiring and very unpleasant.

I work f-t - in fact I have a couple of jobs - and I come home fit to drop sometimes but I pick myself up and cook and clean. Nevertheless, DS, who is very likely at home (A levels), asks me what's for lunch. It's nearly supper time but he wants lunch first. Plenty of food in the house but he won't cook for himself - or, while I think of it, clean a thing. Sits in his room with his computer on - and on.

It's all very difficult. One of my theories is that he's lost touch with reality. He doesn't have a job - says a teacher at school told his year that they shouldn't have jobs - and does little outside school, apart from belong to a gym which guess who pays for. I've tried to persuade him that having a job would mean that he could pay for his own gym membership, would be something constructive to put on a UCAS form, might widen his friendship circle (it's very narrow indeed), give him ideas, and, above all, ease the burden on us. Household income is very modest - there are other DCs at uni - and it's a struggle.

If this were happening at work, I'd say it was bullying. At home, I feel like a doormat. An increasing p-ed off and angry door mat.

DS can be so sweet and friendly. But then he can also be critical, demanding and his flat out refusal to work, even for a few hours a week, is proving very difficult.

I wasn't just thinking of what poor relationship-material he will make with this selfish, lazy attitude

there is also the employment question...what employer in their right mind would tolerate this ?

I am struggling here on the chores side so would it hypocritical of me to suggest list and suchlike.
Both my children had paper rounds from age 14. My DD had a part time job throughout A levels and my DS who is in Y12 still does the round and is also a football ref.
In our house while studying (Y12 & Y13 as opposed to uni) I give them £20 a month (want anymore have to earn it themselves), pay for the mobile (decent phones but no more than £25ish a month and if they go over by a lot then it is paid back), a bus pass (and later car insurance).

I pay for necessities such as pants and socks. I will pay for other clothes but if they are needed rather than wanted. My DS wants me to pay for the gym but I have said he can go out running for nothing.
I do not do the ironing and they are responsible for their own rooms (rarely kept tidy but I refuse to go in). And if it ain't in the wash basket it won't get washed.
Unless I happen to be making a pot of soup then it is up to everyone to do their own lunch. I sometimes do my DS's when he is at college as I am doing mine. My DS makes dinner every couple of weeks. He offers. He will also help my DH in the garden, clean the cars or help with DIY. If only he helped me with the cleaning!
I would give him a month or two warning about stopping the gym membership. That will give him time to get a job and if he doesn't get a job he will have to go without. He is unlikely to be socialising there so he can stop at home or go out running.