DD's self harming friend.

[Fuzzyfelt123]

Last term DD, 12, made a friend at school who self harmed and posted a lot about self harming on social media. I got a message sent to her mother (who i don't know), reported it to the school and had lots of chats with DD about not getting too involved with the girl. DD backed off the friendship and that was that. This term the friendship has rekindled as DD said that the friend is no longer self harming and had improved her behaviour at school. However, this week DD says that the girl is self harming again and a quick check of DDs social media shows that the girl is talking about killing herself. All her messages to DD are odd and I think overly sexualised for a 12 year old - asking DD to kiss her at school tomorrow as a 'joke', saying that someone on FB asked her to give him a blowjob. What shall I do about it? Obviously this girl needs help but I don't want my DD to be involved in what I think is an friendship with weird boundaries. I wonder if she's been abusdx? Am I overreacting? I will tell the school about the self harming and the suicide claims but how do I keep DD away from her? Is it possible? Am I being over controlling? Thanks for any advice! x

Gosh, that is a difficult situation for you. It's not at all unreasonable for you to be concerned about your DD's friendship with this girl and, as you say, she needs professional help.

Without wanting to stereotype, teenagers with these sorts of issues, will be more likely to go 'off the rails' than their peers without MH issues, if they do not receive the help they need. (I have experience of this with some people I was friends with in HS). I think it's really important this girl gets the help she quite clearly needs. Can you print off the social media stuff and show it to the school?

You can't really stop your DD from seeing this girl at school, but you can keep a close eye on her behaviour and continue checking her social media/messages etc. (no doubt somebody will come along soon to remind you that you have to be 13 to register for Facebook anyway! But I don't really think that's the biggest issue here).

I've had a similar issue with DD though her friend is getting help. I can really sympathise with your desire to keep her away from this girl been there, done that!, but you know you can't. They probably share many lessons and possibly some after school clubs owing to shared interests, after all and any indications that you disapprove may mean that she just doesn't tell you when she's with that girl.

In our case, I'm on good terms with her parents and keep tabs on the situation, though tend to discourage sleepovers in either direction unless there is another friend or two there (limits duration of contact). I also encourage DD to maintain a group of friends and not "spoil" this particular one unduly, just in case (as has happened once or twice) she suddenly decides it's time for a break. She is otherwise quite a nice kid, just very troubled and I don't like the idea it might spill over to my DD, which is of course the standard non-pc response to MH problems and I'm not too proud of it, even if I do consider it natural. I have quite a lot in place to control/monitor social media, but I'm always a bit aware there are ways round these things if you're clever enough (I'm not, alas!), so tend to ask DD a few questions from time to time.

Otherwise, I just focus on keeping channels open, asking her what she thinks of her friend's "jokes" etc - try not to indicate approval/disapproval, just give a balanced view if invited and be a sounding board if not. At least, that's what I'm trying and only time will tell. I agree with ContactIssue that ensuring this girl gets much needed help is vital, but beyond that there isn't a lot you can or should do. Printing off the social media stuff gives something that can be given to the school anonymously, if you have reason to suspect her parents, so it's a good idea. Does your DD feel as though she needs to tell the school herself? Has she met the parents?

Thanks Contact for reassuring me. I'll contact the school about her. I don't want to seem interfering or judgy, but I feel it would be irresponsible not to? I hear you re: FB. xxx

Sorry Ever - cross posted. Will reply shortly - just doing school run x

Thanks Ever. I know I can't keep DD away from her and it's politically incorrect to do so. DD is very kind and patient with her, other kids already steer clear, hence the relationship I think. DD doesn't see anything wrong with her messages, except the self harming ones. I'm trying very hard to give a balanced view of her to DD but struggling, though of course I don't want her to go ' underground' with this friendship.
I don't know her parents at all.
Thanks for taking the time with your advice. Teens are hard work I'm discovering!

Just to echo the good advice about speaking to school.

I'm sure you are doing pretty well, as your DD seems to be very open with you.

It sounds like you're doing a good job too Ever.