DD (13) told me she was bi-sexual last night

[needastrongone]

I don't know if I posted in the right place.

I just want some reassurance that I handled it right.

Firstly, I have no issues with her choice of sexuality. I love her. Unconditionally. Totally. My DC are my world. I didn't (and don't) have the best relationship with my own DM, so I want to, as much as possible, ensure that my own relationship with my DD is as good as it can be.

She has just turned 13. She is 'finding herself' a lot at the minute. Wears a lot of black. Listens to heavy metal type music. Wears a lot of black eyeliner. It doesn't look fantastic, but she's 13 and entitled to figure out what works for her.

She's also a good kid, who works hard at school, a little bolshy at times but nothing major. Never in trouble at school or anything.

I might also mention that DH is bi-polar. We have had a rocky road in the last 6 years, but things are much more stable now. DD did a touch of self harming (nothing deep) in that time.

We were lying on the bed chatting, and she told me she's attracted to both boys and girls (she has a boyfriend at the minute, although they are friends more than anything, he's younger than her).

I told her I loved her regardless, it's her life and her choices, no big deal etc. Gave her a big hug. Thanked her for trusting me enough to tell me etc.

Is it ok to say on here though that I felt shocked? And a bit strange?

I don't even know if this is her trying to figure out who she actually is, or these are her true feelings. Can she know, at just turned 13 (if that's not patronising, I don't mean it to be)

DH hasn't taken it too well, but hasn't said anything to her, other than he loves her.

I'm just trying to figure out my own head here too!!

Thanks for reading.

I really hope that I don't sound like I am from the 1950's!!

Firstly I think you should be pleased at the relationship you have with your dd in that she has the confidence to come and speak to you about something this "big" in her life (I know at 13 everything feels big!)

The way you have handled it seems great, to me, and I would just keep those lines of communication open.

Try (along witb DH) to make her bisexuality a "thing" or say stuff like "its just a phase". Dont belittle her feelings.

Someone with bona fide experience of bisexual teens will no doubt be able to give you better advice, but I hope that if my dd every tells me anything similar I am able to handle as you have.

Oops "try NOT to, along witg DH , make herbisexuality a thing"

It sounds like you did exactly the right thing. 13 is still very young and it is possible that as she gets older she will discover that she's actually gay or straight, or that she is definitely bi, and she will already know that whoever she turns out to be, you love her and it won't make any difference.

Of course it's ok to talk about here! That's kind of what here is for, after all.
Maybe she knows for sure, maybe it's just a temporary feeling because she's 13 and full of hormones, it doesn't really matter.
For what it's worth, I think you handled it well, and you obviously have a good relationship when she feels able to talk to you about her feelings and sexuality.
Time will tell as she grows older, but at least she knows she's got you to confide in.

I think you handled it very well.

I may be flamed by others for this, but I also share your doubts that at 13 she really knows her long-term sexual orientation. It's very common to have 'crushes' on both boys and girls, men and women at that age. I certainly did - and without having any real sexual feelings at all.

I know you didn't ask this, but I'd also be a little wary of labeling the relationship between a 12 yr old and a 13 yr old as a proper, exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and focus on them just being friends.

I don't have any advice but wanted to say you sound an amazing mum. I think everything you said and did was spot on. I also think feeling a little bit strange about it is probably normal. Asking if she can know at 13 isn't patronising, I too would wonder if it's hormones, a phase or that she is bi-sexual. Either way with the support and love you've shown already I think your daughter will become a wonderful young woman. Well done you!

Oh thank you so much, I am a little emotional today (this, plus other stuff!), so your reassurance helps loads.

I think she's already an amazing young woman, and I tell her this tons.

I agree, I am not going to make it a 'thing', and I honestly don't want to belittle her feelings either.

I guess I have this rose tinted, stereo typical view of how I imagine DD growing up will be, that explained the strange feeling I had last night. I'm fine with whatever she chooses, but it will take a bit of readjustment on my part.

I am also a bit sad that she told a couple of her friends first, but I need to get over myself don't I?

Also this may be her way of telling you that actually she suspects she may be gay. I've noticed that coming out as 'bi' is often the precursor to coming out as gay, so might be worth preparing yourself for that just incase you think you'll find it difficult.

I knew I was bisexual from about 13. I've had relationships with men and women but now I'm married to a man and monogamous. I think you handled it well.

I knew I was bisexual from somewhere around that age as well. I have to say you handled it better than my parents did which was to insist it was a phase. They probably still believe that because actually I never had a relationship with a woman and am now married, but just because I never met somebody that I liked doesn't mean I'm not attracted to women as well as men.

She probably told her friends first because it's actually pretty much no big deal to (most) teenagers these days, but there's this idea that parents won't "get it" because of the generation difference.

yes, that makes sense.

I love her and that will never change, whatever her life choices in this regard. I suspect DH would struggle more, although his love for her is unconditional too.

Also, I think I am making my relationship with DD about me, and the fact that my relationship with my own mother was crap, as is the DC's relationship with her too, and wanting to put that right for my own DD.

In a way, I was also projecting forward to being an ace grandmother and putting it all right. Breaking the cycle.

Whatever, that's a bit of waffle, not well articulated, but this is about DD and her feelings, not me.

It really doesn't change anything. She might have relationships with only men, she might have relationships with women and men. If she chooses a woman for her life partner/spouse then she could still have children. In some ways this is almost better because you have to go out of your way to produce some meaning no danger of it happening too early, at an awkward time, etc.

At 13 did you know you fancied boys? Well why can't she know she fancies girls and boys?

I knew I was bi sexual from that age but I was so scared that the feelings were wrong or sick that I never told anyone, feel happy you have an open relationship where she feels she can tell you this sort of thing. Personally I never had a moment where I 'came out' - I don't think its necessary, I don't think it's something that needs a big reveal IYSWIM?

I would not try to asses whether shes gay/straight/bi, there is nothing more offensive or degrading than another person trying to figure out or tell you what your sexuality is. I would just not focus anything on it - I can't really see what difference it makes.

Whether she says 'mum I'm going out on a date with Joseph tonight' or 'mum I'm going out on a date with Josie tonight' does it matter? As long as she is happy?

Some advice on what not to say in the future:

If she is in a relationship with a boy - 'oh so it was just a phase/attention seeking'

If she is in a relationship with a girl - 'oh so youre gay and that was you coming out of the closet'

If she routinely only dates one gender - 'what happened to you being bi sexual'

I knew at 13, and people trying to talk me out of it or into picking a side, was the only thing that made it hard. No talk of 'phases', please. Would you say to a teen deciding they are straight, 'don't worry, it might just be a phase'?

I think my mum had the same when I told her - she's always had a fixed idea of what she expected from my life, projecting a bit I'd say. I'm not sure how to advise on getting over that.

You talk about 'choice' a lot - bear in mind sexual orientation is rarely a choice. It wasn't for me, and it was torture trying to fit other people's expectations.

I think it's great that your DD was able to talk to you. Carry on supporting her. At 13 some children know for sure and others will be trying to work out if this is right. She might change her mind (don't mean to sound flippant just can't think of the right word) she might not. As long as you are there for her.
I would have a discussion with your DH about how to phrase things. Sounds like he is taking it too well so he needs to be conscious of what he says

Sorry, use of the word 'choice' was meant to convey that I love and support her, whatever road her life takes. I have no expectations of her other than to be a good person and to try her hardest really, if that doesn't sound glib.

I am not going to be able to put into words what I really am trying to say I can see

Just that, she's great, she's my fab daughter, and I want her to be comfortable with herself, no matter what. And that's the message I want to put over to her above all else.

DH will be ok, once he's thought it all through. He's more likely to belittle her feelings than have any issue at all with her sexuality, she's still his baby girl, so it would be more the case of the fact she's growing up and having sexual feelings, rather than any prejudice or such. He struggles a bit with this.

Your DD will no doubt listen to you when DH puts his foot in it and you tell her it would be the same if it was about a boy or a girl. Dad's are like that!!!

You sound ace OP. I am in awe of any teenager who can own their sexuality and be proud of it because it is so very much the opposite of my own experience. You should be proud that you have created such a secure relationship with your daughter. I think your reaction was very supportive.

I think what you said was absolutely fine.

Im sure I told my mum as a teenager that I thought I might be a lesbian. She told me that if I thought that women were any less hassle than men, then i was deluded.

I think at this age its more of a sign of being open minded rather than any deep set orientation, which is also fine obviously

I am not ace, I can be a grumpy old cow bag, just the same as all of us at times!!

Branleuse - at your mum.

I'm a grumpy old cow bag too but I still have my ace moments!