How to toughen up

[Chimichangaz]

I have a 13yo DS. Me and his dad are divorced, DS lives with me but sees & stays with his dad regularly. I work f/t, have a cleaner but do 95% of the household jobs. My DS hates being given jobs to do and I generally end up doing everything 'as it's easier' (making a rod for my own back in the process). DS also has a Jekyll and Hyde personality, sometimes lovely, sometimes vile to me - to the point of swearing at me, pushing and kicking me and throwing things. I have tried to punish him for this behaviour by removal of PS3, grounding him etc which works for a short time then back to normal. His dad supports me with this. He is also reluctant to do homework, and has just started studying for his GCSEs, he is in a pretty low set for maths which he struggles with, but fairly high sets for other subjects. I want to instil a good work ethic so he does as well as he can at school. It often feels like a battle to get him to do his homework, with him being happy to do the bare minimum.

He is generally a good kid, and always gets praised by friends and strangers for his behaviour - it's just with me (and his dad) that there are issues. Which I know I should be pleased about, after all he could be a nightmare to everyone!!

However, I realise I am too soft and I must change my approach. I don't want to be exhausted constantly or to live in a war zone. I realise teenagers (well, people in general) aren't perfect but I feel I need to toughen up. I want him to feel like I am the boss in the house, and at the moment it feels like the balance of power is sometimes with him.

Chatting with an acquaintance today, she is very strict with her kids, who have a list of daily jobs to do, and standards of behaviour. I just know that she would not put up with the kind of behaviour I experience for 2 minutes!!

So - how do I toughen up?

You don't, 13y don't help about the place. Punishing lasts works for 30 seconds, ie about the same as with a two year old.

You concentrate on what really matters, treating you with respect and learning as much as possible at school.

That doesn't mean doing every last bit if HW perfectly, it means doing all maths HW and learning how to revise. Mind maps, fact cards, reading the revision book. Getting you or your dad to test him. Just chatting about stuff helps.

I get the feeling boys stress as much as girls do about GCSEs and what they are going to do in the future, but they bottle it up. They hide behind their Xbox controllers. Often they are their own worst energies, realising too late they should have put in some effort.

I think rewards work better than punishment. My Dc get a small allowance for going to school and if they miss any lessons or are late they lose it.

Otherwise they don't get any money out of me unless they earn it. They have to hoover the whole house, mop floors, clean bathrooms, empty bins etc. The pay is crap but they seem to have accepted it. When they want a fiver for the weekend they come and ask me if I have any jobs they can do.

Before we started on this they did FA without moaning and complaining.

I would tell your DS you have a zero tolerance for physical violence. If my Dc start kicking off in a teenage tantrum way I remove myself by walking out so it can't escalate.

You don't, 13y don't help about the place.

Er? They certainly can do. Mine won't do stuff of his own initiative, but I definitely expect him to jump to it when I ask him to do something. Start small (I get mine to do a two minute room tidy (dirty clothes in laundry basket, clean clothes put away, washing up downstairs, empty bin if necessary) when they get home from school - if there are quibbles I turn the router off! Once they realised it was extremely quick if they just did it, there haven't been any problems) and build little jobs into your routine.