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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Boyfriend staying over - 15 years old

20 replies

connedbird · 25/09/2014 08:16

Has this been done to death?

My dsd who is mostly absent these days has just told DH that her new boyfriend (very new, met a couple of months ago) stays at her house often and they sleep together with mums blessing. He's 16.

I know they all do it any way but he's so upset saying that teens having the odd bunk up seems part of growing up but the thought of her being involved in such a heavy relationship with a boyfriend sleeping over apparently every weekend since they met just seems so full on and a waste. I've told him it won't last etc. and that it's better that her first experiences are in a comfy bed rather than on a park bench like her step mother but I don't know, it doesn't seem right to me either.

My dd is younger so I've no recent experience of teens. What's normal now? What can I say to help him?

OP posts:
CalamityClara · 25/09/2014 14:50

I have a 15yo dd and she has a 16yo boyfriend. I often worry about the physical side of their relationship but I know something is probably going to happen at some point. However, I would not allow them to spend the night together because I feel that if I did I would be encouraging her to have sex.

secretsquirrels · 25/09/2014 14:56

I know they all do it any way
No you are wrong.
They don't all do it.
Some may boast about it but I guarantee that few 15 year old girls and even fewer 16 year old boys are having sex and certainly not with the collusion of their parents.

doormouse04 · 25/09/2014 15:54

My dd had a boyfriend, she almost 16, he was 16. Because of where we live they spent the night a each others houses and the slept in the same bed. My dd is v sensible and not at risk of being coerced into doing anything she doesnt want to do. She said they didn't have sex and i believe her, we are very open about relationships and sex so i have no reason to doubt her. At some point sex will happen and i have taught her that both parties must be equally keen, both must enjoy and neither party must come away with any unwanted consequences. Safe sex is imperative.
We do have other boundaries that are non negotiable but being relatively chilled about this one makes it easier to enforce the others and if we didn't know the boyfriend. We told our dd that the rules may be different for the next bf.

Heyho111 · 25/09/2014 22:00

As my daughter pointed out - you don't just have sex at night. You can have it at any time of the day.
If they are in a sexual relationship there are two options. Not acknowledge it. Make it difficult for them to have time alone. This won't stop them. On the contrary it makes it even more exciting.
Or you can give them a safe appropriate place. You are also enabling your child to be open with you. This means you can talk about good relationships and contraception.
I chose the second. But that's only my opinion.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 25/09/2014 22:11

I know the realities of young relationships. I've been with my DH since I was 15.

I wouldn't allow a 15 year old to share a bed with a boy or girlfriend.

The arguments go that of course people who want to have sex can find places to do so, or, not all people who share a bed have sex, but I particularly wouldn't allow potential law breaking in my home and I wouldn't be comfortable with my young adult children expecting this with someone they've known or been with such a short time.

What's normal is what the adults who are head of the home feel comfortable with and the people who stay there need to respect their feelings regardless of what they say is permitted elsewhere.

BlinkingHeck · 25/09/2014 22:14

I met my DH when I was 16 and him 17. We weren't allowed to share a bed. But even if we had been we wouldn't have been having sex in it with the parents next door. we used to wait until they were out

Original poster
connedbird · 26/09/2014 11:42

Thanks all. I think it's possibly harder for him/ us because the decision has just been made without his consultation. If they were still married and he had met the boy/ discussed it with mum he may feel better about it all.

I think that whilst I agree with "they'll find somewhere to do it", a quick illicit shag when you can grab the time has to be less emotionally demanding than a full on stay-over sexual relationship.

She is a trouble girl which also plays a part as she's not ready for the emotions involved in something this adult. Comforting to see though that opinion is split so I guess she can't be the only one in her peer group doing this.

OP posts:
Goldenlab · 26/09/2014 21:58

No. It's not legal. Allowing them to share a bed is condoning it.

Original poster
connedbird · 26/09/2014 22:21

"Troubled" sorry. Not trouble.

OP posts:
Maryz · 28/09/2014 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettyMoody · 28/09/2014 21:57

i am in same situation, we have said no to staying over. Largely as it is, as you say, such a commitment, and we have misgivings about her wanting to see him every day as it is

BettyMoody · 28/09/2014 21:57

mate said to me that her rule was going to be ' when you are living together' although if they are 26 or something, that rule might go down the swanee!

BettyMoody · 28/09/2014 21:58

plus I think part of the challenge of teenage life is having sex illicitly!

Zippyandbungle · 28/09/2014 22:07

What's the incentive for them to move out eventually if they can have sex at home. Wink I'm sure DH would of still been living with MIL had we had free reign.

Maryz · 28/09/2014 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigTillyMint · 29/09/2014 09:04

Completely agree with Betty and Maryz.

I would also be worried at them getting so involved (not just the sex) at such a young age when they should be out there having fun and finding out who they are as a person, not as half of a couple IYSWIM.

purpleroses · 29/09/2014 09:20

I wouldn't allow it at 15. My DSD had a fairly serious bf when she was 15. I'm sure they found times to be alone together but the actual sleeping all night together on a regular basis just seems too serious to me at 15.

But if it's happening at her mum's house I'm not sure there's much your DH can do about it really. And trying to intervene might just make things worse. It is possible that DSD is telling lies though. Mine has been known to claim her mum allowed things in order to put pressure on DH to do likewise. But when DH has checked with her mum it's turned out not to be quite accurate what she's claimed.

myfurbyisalive · 29/09/2014 11:38

I'm not sure why the majority here would appear to prefer their children to have secretive, uncomfortable outdoor sex on a park bench or whatever. Than in a comfortable, safe and familiar environment. You would rather your kids shag in some dirty back alley with god knows who, than accept a loving LTR?

You are basically saying sex is shameful and something that is wrong and should be hidden. They will certainly grow up with a healthy attitude towards sex Hmm

Goldenlab · 29/09/2014 12:56

The OP is talking about a 15 year old girl. I'm a foster carer. If I allowed a a girl of 15 have a boy stay the night in her room here I'd be in massive trouble. So it's a no from me because it's just not legal.

Original poster
connedbird · 29/09/2014 20:43

The thing is though furby - it's not a loving relationship if they've only known each other a matter of less than months. I guess it depends what you want for your children but I'd rather my daughter got to know a boy and dated him and a few others before "settling down" in such a close sexual relationship with one. I seem to remember at that age thinking I was a grown woman and longing to play house with my first boyfriend - you're all right that part of the fun is the sneaking around and the naïveté of a fumble after school before mum got home

You're right though, DH can't do anything about It. Other than report the boy which seems a bit unfair.

OP posts:
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