14 year old son is smoking and my husband thinks its okay to buy him cigarettes

[TownMouse68]

My husband is a heavy smoker; I have been an on/ off smoker in recent years.
Our son started smoking about a year ago I think; that's when I first found papers and lighters hidden in his room. Broken cigarettes in the bin etc... I told my husband and we both spoke to our son and said it was unacceptable etc... I am realistic however that teenagers will often try out smoking and knew that he would likely continue behind our backs.
More recently though, during the summer holidays, our son became very bold in his smoking - hardly even hiding the fact. This I do find unacceptable. Towards the end of the holidays I realised that my son would go outside whenever my husband went for a cigarette. I berrated my son again - he said I was hypocrite since I smoke, so I immediately quit and have not bought cigarettes for around 6 weeks.
I gradually came to the conclusion that my husband was actually giving our son cigarettes. I am furious, and of course this explains the boldness because Daddy has condoned the smoking.

This is ruining our lives and reached a head yesterday when I interupted a conversation and realised that Daddy is now buying my son his own special cigarettes - on the basis he'd rather do that than have his own pinched.
I am at wits end and don't know what to do.

My husband is now screaming at me, saying that I am unreasonable in being upset, that he would rather buy our son cigarettes than have him smoke around the corner. My husband says I am insulting him by saying he should not buy our son cigarettes. He says a lot of other stuff too since whenever we argue things get immediately personal and he brings in my upbringing, my parents, my East End roots, my "narrowmindedness". His background is middle class and liberal and there's 10 years between us.

My husband does not see that we are the parents and have to guide our son until he is 'of age'. I don't believe that our children have to like us all the time - we are their parents.

My son meanwhile is now addicted to cigarettes, has to have one before breakfast, gasping by the time he gets back from school and paces around desperately when my husband is out and he is unable to find a cigarette (from his body language anyway).

Ultimately, my husband says I am wrong and if I asked anyone they would agree with him.

So, I'm asking - what are your views and what should I do? Our relationship is in serious jeopardy now.

Oh gosh. Your husband is going about this totally the wrong way.

In an ideal world - you would have both given up when you discovered DS smoked. Lead by example and all that.

I started smoking at 14 - but kept it all very secret as my DPs would have been pretty angry with me.

I don't know how you are going to get round this though. You and DH need to be on the same page.

Thanks for your comment iwantgin. Although DH (struggling with the D right now..) has been a heavy smoker most of his life, he did manage to give up for 2 years after he'd been ill and needed more surgery which the doc would not perform unless he quit.
I was very proud of him for quitting. The reason he started again was that his DD ( my step, don't know the code sorry) returned from living abroad and she smokes. DD was 18 then, and wanted Daddy to sit and keep her company while she smoked, and of course he fell off the wagon. You can imagine how upset and disappointed I was, since I had supported him through 4 surgeries by this point.

Again, we fell out for quite some time - but as an adult it's his choice to smoke.
Generally DH style is not to risk alienating himself from the kids but at the expense of p**ing off his DW. It's like I'm not allowed to have an opinion on these things and that my opinion is wrong in any case.

I think you are both wrong. Your husband more so - I dont understand why he is enabling your son to become hooked on an addictive substance? Would he buy and inject your son with heroine or cocaine to stop him doing it at some junkies house? There are better methods, and the method your husband chooses is a bit stupid.

I do agree agree with your son that you are both hypocrites. Well done for stopping, but that piece of example setting is too little too late. Its a bit like stopping when the doctor tells you that you have a smoking related illness. You should have set an example years ago.

What can you do now though? Not sure about this question. People start smoking from an early age because there are immature and follow the crowd. No one starts when they are mature enough to know better. Maybe its something you'll just have to live with, but I would say not in my house, and tell your husband that he might even be breaking the law.