16 year old stayed out without texting for the second time. What to do?

[fairlyliquid]

Hi,
We have a 16 yo (will turn 17 in December) who is, I believe, very sensible, cautious but extremely secretive. He always says he is 'out with a friend' but he never ever brings any friends home. He watches at the window if they are calling for him so they don't ring the bell and risk us answering and catching sight of them. I might add there is nothing particularly embarrassing about us.

All his teachers say he is doing really well, very quiet, studious, avoids trouble.

He has just started sixth form college and possibly has a GF. I always try to talk to him (and I might add I'm a 'how to talk to teens' graduate) but although he will chat about other things, he will never tell me about his private life. He clams up completely.

It is perhaps relevant that he is not my DS. He is DH's DN, orphaned, grew up with MIL, came to us at 13. Things were tough in the past but they are good now, he is happy, has friends, got fantastic GCSE results.

I give him freedom. He tells me he's going out, I ask where or who with and get an answer along the lines of 'Jack' or 'Tom'. I know both these boys exist but who knows where DN is going. In the past I made him text me the address where he is going to be, but I have stopped doing this. There doesn't seem to be any point.

A few weeks ago (i.e. still holidays) he stayed out all night. I only realised in the morning as I was shattered and went to sleep early. DH was working. I sent cross text in the morning - when he came home he said sorry but his phone had run out of battery and he didn't have my number without it. I said having a charged phone was a necessity if he was going out. All fine.

I have just realised he didn't come home last night. He went out with his bag so I assumed he was going to the gym - but he had told DH he was going to a friend's house. Crossed wires, or I would have checked he was home.

I have texted him to say I'm cross but no reply yet.

Am I miles off the mark or is this OK? I was thinking of reiterating the 'we need to trust you to give you freedom' talk but not going much further.

Going through similar with my ds! It's tough. New friends and new behaviours... Worrying

I found myself in this situation the day DD turned 16. We went from a pretty good arrangement of her saying 'who she was with, where and when she would be back' to her becoming either secretive or confrontational.

I decided I would rather meet her friends and know where she is than have her sneak around and lie. She stays overnight with her boyfriend once a week and he comes over for meals, sometimes he stays over in her room. She hasn't had friends over for years, and at the end of the summer she had a big sleepover here, which was great.
She's been non communitive about school though , so yesterday I did say I want to hear more about sixth form, school work and how she is fitting in homework to be able to keep up this level of freedom.

Saying I'm cross doesn't get me anywhere, understandably. Asking too many nosy questions gets me no response. Saying I am hurt and that it has natural consequenses to our relationship and which way it goes and the choices I make that affect her, that is what we are currently both working on. No punishments, at 16, that is not going to help. Explanations of my preferences, the choices I made, how her choices affect me and the way our home runs is what is helping right now.

I agree no punishments just a talk about how it's worrying for you if he doesn't let you know if he's staying out.

Getting cross didn't really work with mine.

Thanks for your replies.

He replied to my 'displeased' text saying that he told DH he was staying out. DH says not, so I have to put that down to crossed wires, although DH has very good memory for what people say (often recalling exact conversations in arguments years later - very annoying ).

I would love him to be more open about his life. He has had a very difficult time, clearly, with the course his life has taken. I would be happy for him to have his GF stay over if her parents are fine with it, friends always welcome. But he will probably never give me the opportunity.

He sounds so like my DS ( same age) who also keeps his life a secret, has done for some years. Mine is good at keeping in touch by text though - the battery thing never happens because he is on his phone all the time.
It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong, you are giving him plenty of freedom, I think some teens just behave like this. My brother said when he was a teen he just couldn't be 'bothered' to tell our parents what he was doing, even it was something trivial, he felt it was easier to be vague and avoid being questioned.

DS has only recently started allowing his friends to see me, when they come round I make myself scarce as I know he has found it hard to trust me not to embarrass him in front of his mates ( all in his head btw, I don't think I am embarrassing !)
I'm sure you're doing everything right, just explain to him you need to know his plans for coming home so you don't worry.

Tbh he's probably embarrassed about the fact that it is his uncle and aunt who are bringing him up. Maybe he hasn't told any of his friends?

That's interesting titchy I thought about that. He was brought up by his grandmother, obviously older than other mothers. His friends do know, because I spoke to the DM of one of his friends when I had to arrange an activity, and she knew all about it. I think the whole area of parents is difficult for him - he has to explain why he doesn't have any. People ask questions. Maybe you're right he just avoid the subject. I am the same age his mother would have been. I think also because I am not his mother I don't dare push as hard as no doubt a mother would. I don't have the same emotional rights.

I think the way you are dealing with him is amazing.
You're right there is no point punishing him.
Keep talking to him, keep telling him you love him, keep telling him he needs to text you and keep saying you love him. In a few years he will start to text you and bring friends home. He is between a child and being independant / adult. This transition is hard for some teens work out their emotions and how family fits into their life. It must be harder for him. Keep doing what your doing. He sounds a good lad just a bit traumatised.

We've never liked to bug the teens when they're out. We just send a text,'Where's Wally?'. That generally gets a response,usually monosyllabic,but reassuring.