Has anyone been successful in talking to a difficult 18 yr old?

[paulkal]

A friend of mine has an 18 year old son who has high hopes of leaving home soon now that he has passed his A Levels and feels ready to go into the big wide world. However, he has no clear plans about what kind of job he will get or how much money he will need to earn to pay the bills. His mother has tried to reason with him and advised him not to leave until he is really sure of what awaits him but he still seems determined to leave. Should she let him go and find out for himself?

My DS was the same at 18. Got a job and then started making plans to move out, renting a flat with a couple of friends.

Every time he mentioned it, I'd drop in another little thing that they would have to pay/do ie deposit, bills, council tax, food, cooking, washing, cleaning, how I wouldn't be around to borrow the odd £10 from etc

They all, not so slowly, realised that maybe they would be better off at home for another wee while

DS is now almost 21 and still here! I never told him not to go, in fact I always made it clear that he was welcome back anytime, but I did let him realise himself that maybe it was better to wait a while.

I think if your friend tries to get her DS to change his mind he will just dig his heels in and be more determined to move out.

When the time is right and he can afford it my DS will move out, it's just not right now thankfully

Thanks for your reply. As you say, maybe best to drop hints and allow him to form a picture of what it will be like (to move out) over a period of time. I will pass this on.

Let him move out he is 18! He will sink or swim if he sinks rescue him.

I would let him go and leave the door wide open for him to come back.

That's a very good way of putting it. I think my friend is part of the way to accepting that this may be the best course of action but is still attached to the notion that she needs to be looking after him. I guess once she lets go of that she will be able to see that he wants to leave home and find out for himself.

I'll say what I've just said to youbethemummylion, that his mother is on the point of letting him go but needs to free herself from the notion that she still has to look after him.

I expect the more she goes on about it the more he will want to leave. I think a 'if that's what you want to do and I am always here if you need me' is in order.
It's not hunkidory in the real world. My DD 19 has friends similar age a few years older from work and sees how much they pay in rent and what they get for that rent (never mind paying for food etc). Realises that she is way better off at home (luck me?!!)

Yes, I guess it's a case of him being able to understand well enough just how much it costs to rent a place and pay the bills. My friend has been dropping hints to give him an idea of what the cost of living really is but that has fallen on deaf ears of late, so the best course of action is to let him find out for himself. Perhaps when he does get a job and starts paying his way, he will begin to see living independently in a completely different light. The door is always open for him to come back if he wants to, of course.