blood from a stone....

[constantlyconfused]

I love my DD to pieces but am struggling in a big way to like her at the moment. She is very lazy at school made no progress resists help and does nothing every day. She is so Defiant I have never ever met anyone more defiant she will argue the sky isn't blue . She is rude to her teachers(just stroppy abrupt argumentative).She pushes the boundaries at home if i say be home at 4 she'll be home at 6 then shes grounded then as soon as shes ungrounded she repeats never learns . She is unhelpful and stroppy and goes all sickly sweet only when she wants cash. I tell her to earn it by doing a few chores and she'd rather go without. So disorganised i stupidly find myself packing her school bag etc. Not one for rewards or talking. If you even mention school it ends in her in a blind rage. On the other side she can be lovely but the defiance will always be there she has to be right (even though shes usually completly understood) .Anyone shed any words of wisdom?!

She is a normal teenage girl. Please read a book on teenage psychology. Get out my life but first take me and Alex into town. Is a good read. It examine how their brain is developing, how they feel, think and why they act and talk the way they do. It will also give you stratagies and relief that it's normal.

Thankyou I have read that book. Really enjoyed it .I guess i'm just frustrated she is screwing her education up and isn't phased by that at all. She has fallen so far behind now its going to be difficult to catch up . Even the subjects she enjoys (or did) she now hates and literally produces no work !

Easier said that done but you need to realise that there is only so much any parent can do. It probably won't matter what you do she will carry on the way she is
You do need to stop packing her school bag though. She can suffer the consequences of not having the right stuff with her.
How old is she? If she had started GSCE course it might take until she fails the exams to realise that she has hugely cocked up. But she will have to learn this herself.

She is 14 . I know i shouldn't do it but it seems to be me more affected when she doesn't bring books/pe kit in . She is so used to school sanctions its like water off a ducks back and school make me feel negligent !

A headteacher (primary though) said to me once 'there is only so much you can do to make a child do their own homework. After that it's up to them and the consequences if they don't' I know she is not concerned about consequences but the 'only so much you can do' still applies.

I think teachers know which parents care bu8t are struggling and those who couldn't give a toss so I am sure they aren't labelling you as negligent. Could you arrange a meeting with the Head of Year to discuss what is going on and try and find a way through this.

It is heartbreaking to see them making a mess but try not to get too upset. I also try and think the 'there's always someone in a worse situation' . At least she is at school - there are parents in tears because their strapping 14 yrs are refusing to go to school.

I have meeting weekly but sadly I make excuses for her (i know i shouldn't but i just keep doing it then regretting it afterwards!) . It is just hard hearing so much negativity about your DCs without that fight for them instinct rears its ugly head ! I suppose i feel guilty as life hasn't been perfect . She is just so used to teachers "hating" her and being sanctioned she just couldn't care less. Things could be loads worse i know i'm just frustrated with her and myself!

My DS was so frustrating as he was lazy and parents evenings were spent listening to the same old 'can do better than his target grades'.

Instead of making excuses (I do appreciate it's not easy) try holding your hands up and saying to the teacher I am at a loss as to what to do - help me.
Would a different approach help.
I really wish I could be of more help. I am just thinking of things I would try if it were me.

Don't know if this will help, they're all different, but my DS (14) has always been infuriatingly oppositional, though not defiant as such, more non-compliant - rewards? pah! never had any purchase with him.
So, I also find myself stupidly packing his school books just to get him moving and leave the house on time. But the other day, I started opening them and reading what he was doing in class, just in a kind of friendly, interested way, not checking up or anything. Well, he got really stroppy, 'what you doing mum, stop that....' and since then he's been keen to pack his own bag. Not much, but it is progress in our house. Maybe too much involvement (not interference, just being overly interested in their school work) can trigger them to take responsibility. Just saying.