Teenager making life a misery...for how long?

[mears]

My eldest son has just turned 15 and is causing misery in our household. He is incredibly self centred and often states he wishes he was an only child...he has 2 brothers and 1 sister. He is rebelling against eveything, complains constantly about homework and has a moblie phone permanently beeping with text messages. Every few days we have an almighty arguement, we apologise to each other and promise to try harder. He then reneges on any agreements reached and treats us all like dirt! He does excel at the guitar and has formed a band with a couple of friends but unfortunately he will not plan homework accordingly and spends his time rehearsing then getting upset because he runs out of time for homework deadlines. I am worried that his marks will suffer, he won't pass any exams, will not get a decent job and will therefore never have a home of his own!

Will this constant conflict pass or will we be destined to a life of misery? I try to avoid conflict but I feel he needs firm boundaries. The only thing is I keep relaxing the boundaries and he keeps pushing them. I am scared of alienating him completely and communication breaking resulting in him 'going off the rails'. I only hope the others all do not behave in the same way, at least not all at once?

How far do you let teenagers go? Any tips will be gratefully received.

Mears.

Like others, we allow our teens to drink small quantities at home, and thought we were on top of this issue. Then it transpired that when friends have parties, from about age 14 the parents are supplying trays of beers and alcopops and basically encouraging them to get it down their necks! We felt we had been so naive...
Even though we've all done it ourselves, it is very hard to see your teenager inebriated.
They seem to use it very much as stress relief, but what worries me is the bingeing aspect, sober all week and then a lot on a Saturday night.
It's quite a tricky issue as a parent if you drink yourself, although I have never been blotto in front of my kids (even though I feel like it sometimes )

Yes, you put your finger on it - the bingeing aspect is what frightens me too. We too had been naive in that we thought that trust was in place and it was - up to a certain point - ie: he didn't say anything when his mates emptied the vodka bottle in the bar to fill up the communal evian bottle!! We have an agreement dh and I - he has my dining room into a bar and I have the stables outside, but that's another story! Anyway the bar is set up for tv and video and the kids have always used it when they have friends over as its pretty soundproof but near enough if they get rowdy! Anyway since neither or us parents drink vodka, it was only a matter of time before we noticed!! Still the ground rules have been re-set about friends in the bar - ie NONE!!!

Just to make my life complete daughter has coming in from dance practice barely holding in the tears and has retired to bed saying nothing - oh Lord, it never rains but it pours!!

Kia, I hate it when they're obviously upset and yet refuse to talk to you. I know that's all part of growing up, they need to learn to deal with their own problems, but in my mind they're still my babies and it's so hard!

Excellent!!! I really enjoyed reading this and think i will have to goet the book too.

and sofiaAmes - yes I was an outrageous teenager- bikes leathers punk drink parties - all the lot - but I don't remember disrespecting my mum like my son does me! He thinks I'm an old wet and sure he doesnt realise i can party with the best of them!!

I think i will have to get some old pics out to improve my cred with him??

Came across this thread when having a search to see how long I have been on mumsnet.

DS has now been in New Zealand for a year and just renewed his visa. Still dreams of being in a band and at the moment washes disshes for a wage. He did get a degree but doesn't want to have a 'proper' job. I really miss him.

It's the arrogance and rudeness that upsets me so much. We're having a real battle at the moment trying to get our eldest to organise himself with college work and leave the house on time in the morning. I share the worries in the original post about whether he will ever get a job/future (and yes I'll look out for the book!!). Yet another row this mornign as I tried to get him out of the house (for a make or break morning at college). Somehow it all ends up being twisted to me stopping HIM from going because I'm arguing with him! I've been told to F off several time which I'm deeply upset and angrey about and don't know how to handle. We are paying every week for petrol for his car (which he and we paid for) Isaid this morning that I'd had enough of his rudenes and attitude and that we'd sell the car and he could get the bus instead; he replied with sarcasm and anger and said he wanted the money he paid into it....Oh, it all sounds so familliar doesn't it? I'm at my witt's end at the moment and desperately worried for the future and how to best discipline an arrogant strong 17 year old who feels like he can say what he likes to us (and does).