I could cry

[MyHeavyHeart]

My DS15 has just started year 11 and already my heart is on the floor and I am mentally exhausted.
He has Dyspraxia but that is just an element of the problem. He just can't be arsed with school and although we have been lucky enough for him to go to a small independent school that can cater to his problems and does their best to work with him, nothing is coming from him.
His father (we have been divorced 9 years) is pretty much useless and alway has been and focusses solely on his career, at best you could describe him as a Disney Parent, it's always been this way, it's just me that focusses on DS and helping him to do his best at school.
I guess that is the problem, because I am the 'bad guy' whereas he gets to do all the fun stuff with his dad.
DS is quite immature and also lazy and I know part of that is being a teenage boy but I look at everyone else in his class and how seriously they are taking their school work and I could cry because I have to drag DS kicking and screaming to do anything.
This weekend his father was working and would only be able to see DS and DD on the Friday and if not then, it would be at least two weeks before he could see them again, so I made the agreement that as long as he made sure DS did his homework, I would drive there and back and get them on the Saturday. This meant that my Sunday wasn't filled with the inevitable screaming and shouting match to get DS to do his homework.
I drove yesterday and with roadworks it took me the best part of 3 hours (it's normally an hours drive).
Turns out his father hadn't bothered to make him do his homework.
So we had the screaming match today
DS is supposed to be moving in with his father after this year but again it was me that found out about courses, contacted colleges etc - his father says he will do things but doesn't bother.
My relationship with DS is awful because I'm constantly on his back, frustrated that the notion that he needs to put some effort in NOW doesn't seem to enter his head.
I know a huge part of the problem is his father but it's me that goes to all DS's SENCO meetings, me that drives him to and from homework club, me that gets all the phone calls about how DS isn't making any effort etc.
I suppose I just need somewhere to vent.
I read all the threads on MN from parents worrying that 10 A*s won't be enough for Oxbridge. I'd fucking love to have that sort of problem.
I just want a son that tries rather than the surly, lazy, rude boy that can't be bothered to make the effort.

My DD is the same. Very frustrating everything is to much effort . Her laziness amazes me even at home it takes 30 minutes nagging to get her to brush her teeth let alone do HW . Everything is a battle even basics(putting dirty clothes in laundry basket,putting leftovers in bin) . Let alone real chores . She is "i can't be bothered" at school to and has fallen so far behind theres no hope of GCSE's . She has LD but worked hard through primary and kept up so its not that she isn't capable .I have no advice just sympathy! I have tried many things sometimes taking her phone works short term.

Honestly? You'll make yourself ill if you carry on like this. Year 11 - he's got to start taking responsibility and if he won't, from my experience, no amount of screaming will change him.

I'm currently relishing the fact that DS2 got good AS results and is now looking at good universities to go to next year. I have never ever ever ever been on his case to revise, do homework etc. BUT DS1, who had just as much potential, is fast approaching 20 with very little to show for it. I was on his case all through secondary school - threatening to throw his x box out of the window etc etc but to no avail. He left school last year having scraped 2 A levels and has done a couple of temporary jobs since. No direction, no motivation, no desire to get enough money to travel/rent a flat etc etc. All my efforts and nagging had no impact whatsoever.

DS3 has just started year 11 and I have been texting him furiously all day (he's out with his girlfriend) about the fact that there's a note in his planner to say he's missed 2 homework deadlines already this term. FGS - he's only been back 4 days!!!! And he is by far and away the cleverest of the 3 but sadly it looks like he's shaping up to be more like DS1 than DS2.

I guess all I'm saying is if they want to work they will; if they don't want to work they won't and there isn't much you can do about it. Horses to water and all that.

I don't know what advice to give but can give sympathy. My DS (no SN) took GCSE this year and although in general results were pretty good he is lazy and it could have done a lot better and also failed his english.
You can only do so much to help them and then the rest is down to them. Most employers (even minimum wage jobs) won't even look at you without maths and english and he needs to realise this.

And easier said than done - his dad needs to get his head out of his arse and back you up

My oldest DS was very similar - did the absolute bare minimum he could possibly get away with. If it helps, he matured out of it - but not before he'd had to retake a load of GCSEs and some A Level modules.

I think you need to do two things - 1) spell out to your DS how much you do for him. Write it down. Don't say "and your father does nothing" but he'll see the contrast anyway. He may not thank you, but it will register somewhere. And 2) step back. Letting him fail may well be what he needs to take responsibility for his life. I know that's easy for me to say and bloody hard to actually do, but you will go mad if not doing his homework is your problem. It's his problem.

Thank you for your replies.
Every single one of them means a lot because I feel so alone with this.
I've tried this from every angle so far: micromanaging him, letting him get on with it, telling him what he needs to do then leaving him to it, endless meetings at school, pleading with his father to talk to him. Nothing seems to make a difference and DS just resents me even more.
I'm so scared for his future.
He is supposed to try and get a place for a BTEC next year but tbh I know with no-one on his case he wouldn't go.
He is really good at IT but his school report just before the holidays says he is hopelessly behind with his coursework - is he worrying about it? Not so much. I told him he needed to speak to his course tutor and ask what he needed to do to put this right but all he thinks about is football (that's all he and his dad do/talk about)
I know I can't make him do this and it has to come from him and that's what breaks my heart. My DH (remarried) works his backside off to send DS to this school and it was a dream come true for me because I knew he would be 'lost' in the large state school he would have gone to otherwise so stood a good chance of at least getting some GCSEs and he still could - if only he tried!

Lucy everything you said about your DD struck a chord with me

Myheavyheart, are you sure the school is doing all it can to support him, given his dyspraxia? For example, if handwriting is an issue (it usually is with dyspraxia), does he do his work on a laptop and has he been taught to touchtype? Has he had a proper assessment and his processing speed checked? Does he have support with organisational difficulties? I can only speak about my experience with my DS, who has dyspraxia with features of Asperger's, but I know that he only started to do well in secondary school when he used a laptop (he had been taught to touchtype in junior school and I supplemented it at home, so now he's really fast). Before that he just blanked out lessons really, and nothing on earth would make him engage and do his homework. He wouldn't even write down what the homework was. He also didn't take instruction given to the whole class and teachers had to make the effort to tell him individually what the homework was or, even better, write it in his book for him.
It's only when you have a detailed assessment of his needs that you can be sure the school is doing everything it can for him. If you have faith in the school that's great, but I wouldn't automatically assume a small independent school is a better environment for him than a large state school. State schools have a legal obligation to meet children's needs and help them access the curriculum. I'm not sure the same applies to independent schools - a friend of mine teaches in one that has a very good reputation but she says the SENCO doesn't believe in special needs and refuses even to tell teachers which children in their classes are on the register. Hopefully that's pretty unusual but certainly state schools are - at least up until the Gove 'reforms' - more accountable.

Frustrating isn't it .I think DDs school think im a raving lunatic to . The daily phone calls have turned me a bit crazy . The last call i just cried no one likes hearing negative things about your DC even if justified! I miss the old reports full of positives !

DS1 has dyspraxia, is now 19 and about to start an apprenticeship, having tried both A levels and a BTEC. School was a nightmare, as the OP described (I often cried after parents' evening!). He never got the point of school, and really didn't care what his results were. Glimmer of hope now in that he really wants to earn real money... It is fairly painful still in that we are standing back so no longer nag him to do those basic things (that our younger children do automatically!) ...have a shower?... But I think the dyspraxia means he cannot yet appreciate the impact of current actions on the future - hence not caring about exam results, so therefore needs to learn from experience. However, self esteem is so important, so I try to emphasise the positives (he is unflappable, good natured, a team player) and most importantly telling him that he IS capable of sorting himself out, even if it may take a bit longer than other people. Whilst tearing my hair out in private!!