16yr old in care ��

[Icumum77]

The subject title says it all. To be blunt im a bad mum. I chose the wrong path and my daughter decided to go into care. She was 16 and can make that decision herself. 3 months ago she came out as being gay. This doesnt bother me in anyway. If shes happy im happy. She came to stay for weekend contact this lasted for 4 weekends. 2 of them with a call to the police to report her missing. The final straw came when she stayed and went missing for a week. I told the police where i thought she was. I had my house searched for 2 hours for her body. She has a condition that required daily medication which she didnt have with her. So to cut a long story short she was found by the police in a different county with her girlfriend , and proceeded to tell police , social workers and carers that i had allowed her to stay with her girlfriends family for the week. I was fuming . Lucky for me i had text messages ect between us both , her asking to stay at GF house me saying no. I made the point of saying why would i of phoned the police. Why did you switch your phone off . I called 57 times messaged etc with no replied. Proof of this i forwarded to her social worker. This is 3 weeks ago. She now wont speak to me or reply to text. I managed to get through to find out about her GCSE results . She wittered her grades then put the phone down. She started college wednesday so i called to find out how her 1st day went all i got was ' why are you calling? ' and the phone put down on me. Everyone has said how nice the GF family are whom took my girl to the docs for medication , but is it just me that thinks it strange that a girl turns up at your house to stay for a week with nothing! No clothes medication even a tooth brush?!
My other children still live with me. I live with their dad. My wrong path was a DV incident 10 years ago . Not wittnessed but heard. I didnt leave. My daughter refused to go to school however hard i tried £500 fine. She kept running away numerous police call outs . Child protection . No support off ss. Same old story. Im not here to be judged on that , but i do expect comments about it. I'm after advice on how to deal with a confused ( not sexual) teenaged girl. Who i love to the moon and back.

I feel for you, no experience to add value so please ignore my comments if they sound stupid.

This sounds like a confused teen / extreme teen rebellion rather than you being a 'bad mum' and it all being your fault. A (one off?) DV incident 10 years ago when your DD was 6 to me sounds unlikely to have caused this, unless the behaviour you describe has been ongoing since that time?

Hopefully someone more experienced will be along soon.

Thank you for your reply. Her behaviour has gone down hill in the past 2 years . Shoplifting getting drunk kicked out of school. Her older brother works and her younger sister is now in her GCSE year . I was on 1st name terms with the police! She is on a section 20 meaning i signed a document agreeing for the lical authority to care for her as i was at my witts end. Ss said it was all my doing but shes now worse shes in care so it couldnt be me . I do question myself. It was a 1 off DV shouting plate smashing door slamming name calling no fists. I classed it as a heated arguement so called professionals didnt. Im just lost.

I really can't see how a 1 off incident like that could be the cause of trouble now. If so then God help me, as my adopted DD witnessed way more than that.

I have a (very) little knowledge of Section 20 care from an adoption related message board I am a member of. Parenting from a distance via Section 20 seems to be very hard, as once they are 16 the young people get listened to a lot, and parents very very little.

It must be heartbreaking. No advice, apart from maybe try to keep the doors on communication open. hopefully eventually she will realise you do have her best interests at heart.

I'm a foster carer. Have looked after several section 20 children over the years. I've known some really lovely parents who put themselves through hell about their children being in care, but sometimes it's just the right thing for both the children and the parents at that time, I couldn't fault the parents, the relationship just didn't work out at that stage. Now your daughter is 16 I would only suggest that you keep on trying. Texts, letters, offering to take her and her girlfriend to lunch maybe? It's all about communication.

Thank you girls, i sent a message to her today asking about college and got answer! Shes also going out tonight so told her to behave and enjoy herself and be safe .. I put xx's i dont get them back . Will keep trying .

I'm heading towards a very similar path, DS now 15 chose to stay with his dad when i moved 3 years ago, there was no pressure, dd came wth me, but his dad, had a new partner and child, DS felt pushed out, when behaviour was bad, dad, seemed to stop parenting and let him get on with things. Six months ago i went and brought DS to me, after dad and gf went away at 2 days notice because he needed a break, DS stayed with his aunty, who hasnt got kids and certainly doesnt no how to deal with a 15 yr old boy. Melting point came and i went and rescued him, discovered self harm, he was dirty , smelly, hadnt eaten properly, didnt sleep ( i know thats what some teenagers do!) in the ast 6 months i have had 2 trips to A+E as DS threatened suicide, ive had every service involved possible, from new school teachers through to police ( when he went off rails and i had to lock his siter in the car for protection) because he was thrashing a garden fork around, because i wouldnt let him go out. Ive paid of drug debts, had money stolen (everything is now under lock and key, and my bag comes to the loo with me)
Three weeks ago he told me he wanted to go back to his dads, and didnt want to finish yr 11 in his new school, i spoke to dad, nothing was done. All of them have been to Greece for dad and GF wedding, when i spoke to DS on phone other day, he told me to F off i was pathetic, because i said if he didnt sort something with his dad he needed to start school and just get on with it...............
Thats it dad says he will sort move back to his, i have had enough, i haven given up on him , but sometimes no matter what you do it will never be enough, i keep having to think i have done as much as i can... SS and care would have been my next option!!
Im so sorry abo
ut the long post just wanted really to say, i can empathise, i hope your DD finds what she is looking for and you find it in yourself to let go (even ifits just for a while!!!)

Sorry so long to reply back. Im sorry to read of the situation you are in with your son. Its not a case of letting go , even for a short time. Im her mum she is , i believe confused and feels at the moment that the world is against her. I am going to persist with my daughter but leaving the ball in her court now as im fed up of me doing all the chasing then having it thrown back in my face.
I dont think you should give up on your son. He lived/es with his dad who had a girlfriend and then a baby. In his eyes his dad has a new family and a new life and probably feels abandoned. His behaviour sounds more like attention seeking. It is a shame that there is no support agency network for him. But in my experience i also asked for help for my daughter and she didnt receive it til she went into care when everyone was falling over themselves to get involved.
Dont give up hope.