DD1 and first boyfriend

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Is it totally normal that you get on brilliantly well with your daughter and that you could have normal conversations about A Levels, Uni, etc., and then she gets a boyfriend and all of a sudden, apparently, myself and my partner know nothing about anything it seems. We have somehow turned into nobodies with nothing who are total crap in her estimation.

He is couple of years older (18), just about to leave for university but his family are extremely wealthy and live an amazing lifestyle. DD1 just seems to be hanging off every word they say, apparently they are brilliant.

They have apparently already told her that she is welcome to go on holidays with them next summer, although when we had told her to start looking for a part time job she was completely dismissive. Apparently she had a long conversation with Boyfriends Mother and now she has spent the day looking for jobs. Seriously, how outrageous is that? She told me today, "I get on so well with ?????? I overheard her telling her friend that she just loves me". So do I, but I am not needed anymore. She no longer wants to talk to me about anything and nothing I say means anything to her.

She has spent five days a week at his house during the summer holiday, literally she has been here to sleep and goes out at 8am and returns at 10pm. She wants to go away with the family this weekend to some sort of rally and they will be camping, I know if I say no she will hate me. I know that if I say yes then she will return full of resentment anyway.

The family live in a simply enormous house, our house is apparently "awful" her words, not his.

Help, where has my little girl gone?

I don't actually know whether to let her go this weekend or not, any thoughts most welcome...

How awful for you!! No words of wisdom here, although I would be heartbroken to. Have you met the parents? I'm not sure I'd want my 16 year old DD going away with people I don't know. How about arranging to meet his mum for a coffee and share your concerns, she may be able to help in some way, or at least to echo your feelings. Hopefully it's all short lived and she will realise the benefits of the loving family she has, hang in there!

Thanks for the response.

It is totally heartbreaking.

There is a simple reason why she thinks his parents are amazing and it has nothing to do with lifestyle. They don't tell her what to do, nag or tell her off, these jobs are reserved for your pleasure which puts you at the bottom of the pile. Also their opinions etc are new and exciting. Yours are the same old.
Let her go camping, it'll be fine.
You are still the person she will go to in hard times. She is just in an exciting place at the moment.
It hurts. But gets better in time.

Agree completely with Heyho

Good advice IMO.

And the romance probably won't last long. Once the BF starts uni he will probably want to go to pubs and feel he has moved on.

My DD had a BF 2 years older than her whose family apparently loved her too. A year later she has a different BF and his family are amazing too; his mum has all the good qualities I lack. Actually I think she is a very nice lady and will offer DD the experience of a slightly different household. Our DDs are learning about life in a different household. I'm sure it will stand them in good stead for later life - they will come to appreciate the good things about their family through the comparison - once the novelty has worn off.

Try not to be put out by the 'influence' BF's mum seems to have had on your DD - it will be very temporary. Your DD is at that stage when she doesn't realise she's being insensitive. She doesn't mean to hurt you.

Smile and nod. Be welcoming to BF and wish your DD a nice time when she goes off to her BFs. She needs you as much as ever.

Let her go. She's just in love and being a bit dazzled by it all at the moment. Don't worry she'll soon work out that no one replaces mum and dad and come back to you. Personally I wouldn't judge or make any comments, just nod and almost say "that's nice dear" and wave her off for the weekend.

If you can try and organise something nice for you to do at the weekend too so she realises you aren't just sitting at home missing her.

What HeyHo said.

She's young and "in love" and besotted with the new things and the family who are being nice to her. Don't be jealous, be pleased for her.

She's spreading her wings a little. Give her the space she needs and let her go. She will come back to you.
The bf probably won't last.

Had a little chat tonight, as he is off to uni in two weeks. Personally, I think the same as you lot but I know she is going to be absolutely devastated if he calls it off with her.

Apparently, he has told her that he is worried that "too much work will mean I won't be back at weekends". All I said is that you can give it a go as a Long Distance Relationship, but to think if that is what she wants.

She has never stayed at his overnight, although he has younger siblings of 16 and 15 and their boyfriends and girlfriends are allowed to stay overnight and they are allowed to sleep together. I was really, really shocked by that, I cannot lie it was a total shock to me that some parents allow that.

She did ask me if she would be allowed to travel up at weekends to see him at uni, I was really honest, this is how I basically answered her. I said, let him go up and settle for the first few weeks and the first week he is home to see each other. I have said that I do not want her, she is only just 16, travelling by train and staying with him in Uni Halls for the weekend. I have said that if they are still together once she turns 17 next year that I would think about it.

Personally, I think he is starting to get himself organised for uni and does really know what to do about DD1. They are besotted with each other, very sweet together but I am thinking it is going to end in heartbreak.

Thanks all for your responses, really helped, will keep you posted.

Hmm I have to be honest.. I think at 16 she is completely normal to want to go and stay with her boyfriend at uni at the weekend. I don't think there is anything wrong with with travelling there on the train on her own.

I totally understand it's difficult for you but I really would try to give her some freedom. He doesn't sound like a bad lad, she's not out all night with a bad crowd doing drugs or drinking too much. I'd embrace the boyfriend and just let them see where it goes.

At 16 she's legally entitled to enjoy a sexual relationship (however awkward that makes us feel as parents!)... I think in the grand scheme of things it isn't bad at all.

It's great that she's talking to you about this - you are clearly very much needed and wanted.

It's probably best to avoid giving her advice as such. If you don't let her go and see him and then her BF calls it off; which he probably will (you never know, but that's the most likely outcome) she might feel that things would have been different if she'd been allowed to see him and resolve not to tell you things in future. If you allow her to let the relationship run its course she will learn really useful life lessons. However hard it might be at the time.

Also, she's only sixteen - a few months can make a huge difference to how she feels and thinks and to friendships, romantic or not. It might be that she meets someone else at school or doesn't miss her BF after all once school has re-started. She might decide for herself that the effort involved in a long distance relationship isn't worth it. Or it might just fizzle out. I don't think she's in a position to decide now whether she is happy to have a long distance relationship. You can't protect her from heartbreak but you can support her if/when it happens.

I understand how difficult this is though.

OP, from what you have said, both bf and his family sound lovely.

It may be annoying, but if they are including her in their family life, and giving her good advice (re jobs and so on) then I can't really see what the problem is. I can easily think of much worse characteristics in a first boyfriend!

At 16 it is perfectly normal to want to spend every waking hour with your bf/gf surely, and this wouldn't worry me at all unless it was interfering with other commitments. Trying to keep them apart, especially without good reason, will alienate you and turn them into star crossed lovers.

Personally I would engineer a conversation with bf's mum (about camping arrangements maybe) and outline any concerns you have, as it sounds like they would be receptive, and sensitive to the fact that your DD is younger than their DS.

Please feel free to disregard my advice ds is 10, dd is 8 so a long way off for me. But I went on holiday with bf's family aged 15, stayed over ( in his bed, different bf from 16) and hitched hiked round Ireland with him after my GCSEs. She is 16 she is legally an adult stop trying to control what she does, you won't win.

And given that his family is very liberal, your DD might already be having a sexual relationship with her BF. It's not necessary to stay overnight to engage in sexual activity.

Apologies, if you know this isn't the case.

And my sympathy anyway. It's very hard if your DC don't have all the same values as you.

Thanks for all your responses.

I have already said no to her visiting him at uni, partly because it is an expensive air or rail journey away as his uni is in Scotland and we are near the South Coast (she currently has no part-time job to pay for the fare). But that is not the only reason, I just that the first term she needs to be letting him settle in properly and she needs to be focussing on settlling in at Sixth Form. You can't drop the ball at all doing A Levels, they are hard, stressful and missing even one lesson matters.

I think a little distance between the two of them will make the relationship go one way or the other, which sounds harsh but both of them are making "the next step up" him to Uni and DD1 to Sixth Form.

Lots to think about, thanks again for all the comments and taking the time to reply.

I feel your pain. First boyfriend's are a nightmare for us parents. My DD's first serious boyfriend was at a similar age and my polite daughter turned into a hormonal wreck. She went from being very respectful towards me to telling me that I didn't love her, nobody except her boyfriend loved her despite the fact he was a controlling jobless moron.

Best thing is let them get on with it. If he's off to Uni soon then I think the distance and the fact there'll be loads of other girl's his age there will soon sort things out one way or the other. I remember when I went to Uni and everyone had BF/GF back home. Within the first term most of them had split up.

I also think it's very unlikely to last very long after he starts. Especially as he has already said he doesn't think he'll come back in term time.

But I would leave them to find out for themselves that long-distance relationships at that young age don't usually work. You can't make her focus on her exams - she could just as well be spending a lot of time focussing on how unfair it is that you won't let her go to see him, or on finding a way of getting there. You can't make people be sensible or not think about things.