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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Just had Dad of one of dd's classmates here - don't know what to do!

19 replies

longwaytogo · 20/09/2006 17:44

One of DD's friends just came to door saying my dd had kicked his on bus. Says that there have been number of times he couldhave been here in previous 12 months but hasn't but now she has been kicked wants it sorting.

Says to tell my dd to stay away from his. Says that his dd is not the only one to be having problems with my dd.

My dd says that she didn't kick but that someone pushed her into this girl and someone else kicked. Says that yesterday they had to come downstairs on bus and stand as this other girl and others were throwing cans. Also says that she was threatened today by other girls friends who have threatend to beat her up in the past.

Don't know what to believe or what to do am in absolute pieces. Have given my dd a good talking to, probably overreacted but can't cope with anymore. Why is it one thing after another?

Do I go to the school tomorrow, do I take her to this girls house and get to bottom of it, do I leave well alone and hope that this settles down or WHAT?

Please help dh wont be home for another couple of hours and am gonna sit here and cry forever. Sorry big ramble and probably overreacting but!

OP posts:

southeastastra · 20/09/2006 17:50

how old is your daughter?

Blandmum · 20/09/2006 17:50

have you asked her about the other things this guy is talking about?

Done sit and cry, this will pass, Honestly.

You need to have a coffee/tea, sit your dd down, and calmly ask her what is going on.

Ask her what her involvement is in all of this and try not to get side tracked into 'she did this, so I had to..' kind of stuff.

Listen to what she had=s to say but make it clear up front that if she has been doing this stuff you will get to the bottom of things and it is better all round if she is honest with you.

Get her side of the story, bear in mind that teenagers will often not lie, but will put themselves in the best possible light (don't we all!)

Tomorrow, phone school and see if they know about this, and what their take is on the situation.

gothicmama · 20/09/2006 17:52

unless you have reason to doubt her take your dd's word, arrange to go and see head of school re bullying or if teh amn comes round agaion tell him to come back when your dh is home if he refuses phone the police

Original poster

longwaytogo · 20/09/2006 18:10

she is 12.

In all fairness he did ask was dh home

Have sat her down and yes she tried to say she did etc or she does, and I said no I want to know what your involvement is.

Told her she is to only go to her proper bus stop as she goes to a friend then to different bus stop, but she says no way as there is someone on her busstop that is threatening to beat her up.

OP posts:

Original poster

longwaytogo · 20/09/2006 18:14

Have told her i'm going to the school to sort this out. TBH i think its basically two gangs of girls and they all as bad as each other but didn't think she would go out of her way to make someone cry (apparantly on numerous occassions, according to dad) as she was bullied in year 6 as was this other girl by someone in the class.

Thing is there is only 3 of them who went to this particular school from primary so you would think they would all stick together really. Dad rekons its been going on for over a year.

OP posts:

nothercules · 20/09/2006 18:22

if it's on a public bus, school will probably not get involed.

Blandmum · 20/09/2006 18:32

Longwayto go, I'm glad that you have already had a chat about it.

If this is a case of two girl gangs, then I think that you have to contact the school. The school will have to have a hand in sorting it out, and in the short term may need to split the girls up in classes etc.

This is not uncommon, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.

The key thing is that you find out what your dd has done, phone the school tomorrow , and ask to talk to the form tutor and/or head of year

Hope it gets resolved asap

Original poster

longwaytogo · 20/09/2006 18:48

nothercules it is a school bus, school is 6 miles away.

dd says she is only with her for 3 lessons a week this year anyway.

dad says tell her to stay away from my daughter.

Am going to ring one of other mums later and see what she says her dd and mine played all over the summer and now they have gone back to school my dd says she with this other girl and is horrible.

OP posts:

joanna4 · 20/09/2006 19:29

Even on the bus if they are travelling to and from school their conduct is reflective and representative of the school and they will be interested.At my sons school they have community sanctions for inappropriate behaviour before and after school and this means if you get a community sanction you can be punished for it the same way as if you were in school if the incident occured.
Hope you sort this soon
jo x

Original poster

longwaytogo · 20/09/2006 20:10

Thing is it looks like it is my dd who is in the wrong as it is her that supposedly kicked this other child. Never mind the fact that these other girls were throwing cans at her and others yesterday.

The new buses have cameras on but this not a new bus. I think so many trying to get on buses that there is a lot of pushing and shoving.

So confused, Don;t know whether to phone one of the other mums to see if she been having probs with my dd as her dd is best friends with this other girl.

OP posts:

Original poster

longwaytogo · 21/09/2006 15:44

Have rung school and head of year is going to get the 5 girls together and get them to sort themselves out. Also she is going to ring childs dad who turned up on door and tell him to ring school if any problems.

OP posts:

Blandmum · 21/09/2006 15:53

I'm glad that you have had such a quick response from the school. I think that going via the school was the best thing to do, if only because I am sure tat the girls probably don't get on with each other inside school either.

I hope it all gets sorted out.

Original poster

longwaytogo · 21/09/2006 15:59

me too martianbishop, head of year says if she comes home + about it then she'll leave phoning me till mon, but if she comes home and is upset or - at all to ring her at 8.20 in the morning.

Do feel a bit better but just feeling a bit battered about parenthood atm.

dd 3 has come home from nursery soaking wet two days running and no one seems to have noticed

OP posts:

Blandmum · 21/09/2006 16:05

Know what you mean about feeling 'battered', parenthood can get to you at times, can't it?

I can only say that this will not be the first time something like this happens to a mnetter and it will not be the last!

I had to phone home about the behaviour of one of my form group today...it happes a lot...kids just like to push the boundaries when they get to be a teen, I'm dreading it mmyself

fairyjay · 21/09/2006 16:16

longwaytogo
Had similar situation with dd (then 12) last year - it was infact what brought me onto Mumsnet in the first place!
In our case, the problem was caused by girls being unkind - and I am quite sure that my dd was a guilty as anyone else. But the mother of an 'old friend' went to see her tutor - after having tried to recruit other mothers to her cause - and complain about dd. She was adamant that her daughter had done absolutely nothing wrong.
I was (and am) quite prepared to accept that dd is not perfect, but the situation was not helped by the other mother becoming completely hysterical, and completely unwilling to accept that her dd was not perfect.
The school told me that there was no problem whatsoever, and that it was a complete over-reaction.
My point in boring you with this is that the situation worried me hugely for a number of weeks, but now, twelve months down the line, we have maintained a rather stilted friendship, and the girls have calmed down again. Dd is again friendly with the girl (who apparently adored dd -perhaps part of the problem!), and the girls are rubbing along quite nicely.
I think you are 100% right in trying to sort out the situation, but try not to get over-worried, because these things can tend to take over all your waking hours.

Original poster

longwaytogo · 21/09/2006 16:45

Dd is home and says head of year put them in the hall spoke to them, then asked them if they were alright to sort this out between them and that she would go for a walk. Anyway outcome is that they are all fine. Phew see how long it lasts for this time.

But I tell you the first time my dd comes home and says that they have fallen out I will be phoning the school as I not having my dd being accused and being looked down upon by other parents when its not her fault.

OP posts:

stleger · 21/09/2006 16:52

I had similar to fairyjay - it seems to be a 12 year old thing. The school were good, best way to go.

skippydog · 21/09/2006 20:10

Could I just add a word of cautuon on this - I have sons but mosrly the same story and I was so so hard on them if this situation arose - BUT soon discovered that it appeared to be the parent that made the complaint first that got the sympathy vote - no matter who was to blame!
Therefore if your dd had told you that she had problems with this girl and you had phoned the school first then the outcome would have been different.
Just something I have noticed having 4 sons in school - now if it was me whose door that father had come to I would have told him to phone the police - no I am not mad - but if I kow there is more to the story then I know the police will soon sort it - mind you we have brilliant community cops that kow most of the kids.

fairyjay · 22/09/2006 11:18

To be fair, dd's school tutor was very much of the opinion that girls of this age can be vile to each other, but that they should be left to try and sort it out, before making it an issue.
So, the mum making the complaint was considered to be over-reacting - which in my totally cool, calm, logical and unbiased view - she was!!!

It must be difficult to know when to step in to prevent this becoming a serious bullying issue though.

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