16 y.o.DD out of control

[Stillstanding10]

Been having problems with DD for 3 years now but got worse the last 6 months. She doesn't do what I ask her to do, poor school results, bad attitude towards us pArents and told all her friends we are the worst parents and that she hates us very much. She has no idea how to handle money but spends pocket money in no time at all. She has a boyfriend who we do not really approve of but we are polite to him. Reasons for our arguments is mostly that we will not allow the boyfriend in her bedroom nor would we allow her to be out late till 3 a.m. when she was 14. Will any of you parents out there allow these?

Tried to impose discipline or consequences for her actions but she will just turn around and say no. I caught her lying one time and said she is grounded. She said no way, I am going out and you can't stop me. Aside from physically stopping her, I can't do much. She screams, swears and insults me quite a lot even when we are just talking about how to solve a problem. She self -harmed before and when she doesn't get what she wants, she threatens to self-harm or starve herself and says it is our fault if she does it.

Any advice as to how we can improve our relationship would be welcome. Read lots of messages saying it will get better as teenagers get older but I feel so stressed when we have our falling out.

Quit the pocket money for a start!

Does she do chores?
Time to get tough ... What is she doing in sept?

taking mobile phone works wonders in my house . put a password on wifi also works.When my DD doesnt accept grounding i just take her phone and internet and no money for longer.She accepts it now. She can't emotionally blackmail you with self harm every time she doesnt get her own way. Must be very difficult for you .Hope things improve.

Oh and they do grow out of this, honestly!! Had the worst time ourselves but both dd have come through it now! You need to take back control!

As someone who 15 yrs ago at 16 went spectacularly off the rails (dad cheated on mum with mums best friend, boyfriend cheated on me, yada yada...) she's probably enjoying provoking this reaction from you. The more you try and discipline her the more she'll respond. Try and meet her half way, if you don't want her to stay out till 3am, which is kinda far enough, set the limit at 1 and she'll soon get bored of not catching up on sleep because she's at school. Has she done GCSE's or is that next year? It's often a turning point. The cool kids at 6th form/ college don't have to be there if they don't want to so they don't act out so much, suddenly it's not cool to be a rebel.

Thanks everyone for your messages. Threatened to take phone away and she just screams and swears and rants that she uses it to talk to her friends as she is very depressed and if I take it away, she will self harm. I was so shocked so did not do it in the end. One time I did not give her money for bad behaviour so she went to stay at boyfriend's house for 3 days texting she needs space, she could not stand the sight of us and is sick of being around us. BF's parents in touch with us to say they will look after her. She goes back to school in Sept A levels and I am worried she will not do well. She has no interests at all except in her bf, money or make-up.

I feel she does enjoy provoking me so I simply stop any conversation when she starts being rude or angry.

Have decided will impose restrictions on phone use during school weekdays and pocket money conditions. Will talk to her this weekend. Wish me luck.

She had a chat with GP and was referred to CAMHS but they came back to say she does not fit criteria for support. Anybody who talks to her will say how nice she is and can't believe she can behave the way we describe her. Again, they all say it is teenage hormones and other stuff which will go away sooner or later, I can't wait.

Am I being a prude or old-fashioned if I tell them (DD and bf) not to lie down together in my living room sofa with blanket over them while watching tV then falling asleep later all cuddled up? Are you ok with this if you have a teenage daughter?

Please do not crack down too hard

You may push her further into his arms and away from you

Oh that sounds very hard for you.

But if you think about it, taking her phone etc is bound to drive her mad.

The bit of your post that concerns me is her lack of interests and her presumably intense relationship with her BF. I'd let him in her bedroom - he won't be so appealing when you seem happy with their relationship. It's better that they spend more time at yours where you can keep an eye on things. (I'm about the judgment of his parents if they didn't tell her she should have gone home rather than stay at theirs for three days.) If you ease off all the 'punishments' your home will be more appealing for her.

Get the BF to spend time at your dinner table and engage him in conversation. Ask his opinions, plans for his future etc. Your DD will see him in a more rounded way then. Ask him what he thinks your DD should when she leaves school etc. 'Use' him to try to influence your DD to take up some hobbies by asking his opinion on what sort of sport your DD might take up etc. If he isn't interested your DD will see that.

Wow, I didnt write this but its like I did.
DD exactly the same except replace depressed (I think she is) with "I prefer being alone".
We ended up in a screaming match on saturday because I found out she'd lied - again. Such petty petty lies but so hurtful when she looks me in the eye and does it.
I have NO advice for you but ENDLESS hugs, I feel your pain 100%
XXX

DS wanted to be allowed out all night when he was 14. We had endless rows. Now we are more relaxed on curfews ( he's 16) he doesn't often want to be out that late. I'm not sure he ever did, that often. Sometimes the injustice is all in their heads.
I don't remove phones from my 15 and 16 year olds no matter what. I need to keep in touch with them and I'm a little afraid of their wrath

DD says bf doesn't like us as we make him feel awkward and conversation doesn't flow. Well, took them our for meal last night and it was hard work, really. My DH always good with people but he found it difficult to get any conversation going. DD would also put in little comments that she knew would annoy us. We went home saying we both tried and will keep trying.

Thanks for your messages and comments. Appreciate it.

There appears to be two things going on from what you've said.
1- Her difficulty in understanding and regulating her emotions.
2- using her emotions / behaviour to control you.
She can see the effect her emotional turmoil is having on you and is using it to her advantage.
For many kids punishments don't work. All they do is cause the child to hate you and not solve the problem.
She may need some extra support to cope with her emotions. I would think about going to your gp to ask for a referral to a councellor or child psychology. Or you could ask for her to see the school / college councellor when they go back.
I think she needs support understanding her emotions, how she deals with them and her relationship with you. Her anger is v common at this age but some kids benefit from a little outside support sometimes.

We are seeing a family therapist this week hoping she will come and not throw another tantrum and disappear. Will speak to school about counsellor and also academic support as this will be a tough year for her.

Thank you, heyho111 and everyone who took time to comment on my situation.

Hugs to you too, mosaicone. Hope your situation improves.

Let us know how it goes.
Been there , done that, nearly went insane and got the T shirt. I'm out the otherside - nearly. It does get better. X