Son just admitted to smoking cannabis, not sure how to react

[Lozislovely]

Suspected DS2 15 of smoking a couple of weeks back and yesterday found a lighter in the kitchen.

Asked him if he had anything to tell me and as first he said no, until I produced the lighter.

Confessed to smoking 4 spliffs since the start of the school holidays and a few cigarettes.

Calm conversation continued on both sides, assurances that he won't be doing it when he goes back to school, but maybe in half term

At a loss of how to deal with it. I'm horrified, ashamed and angry. Can't see banning him from seeing his mates will work or grounding him.

He wants me to trust him when he says he won't get addicted but how the heck can I believe that?

I think you need to clarify with him why you aren't happy.

Concentrate on the health issues than the 'moral' argument.

You should also tell him about the problems of getting a visa to the US if he gets caught.

Thanks weatherall.

We've just had another chat and I've clarified my feelings with him.

He 'assures' me that he won't be smoking it again any time soon and has no plans to see the group of friends that he was smoking with before going back to school next week.

He says the friends aren't the ones he hangs around with normally but met up with them due to being bored.

Apparently it's not cool to smoke dope anymore, which I'm quite surprised at!!

He's saying all the right things in terms of wanting to do well at school and not bowing to peer pressure. I guess only time will tell.

Surprisingly little traffic on this given how prevalent a problem it is. My DC's schools says weed is the single biggest contributor to boys under performing at school.

Firstly don't be ashamed! I have been through this and understand how you feel . I realised my DS was smoking weed when he was 14 and he had been doing so for a while by then. I was horrified - really DH and I had no idea. Talking to his friends' parents was a disaster. It made my DS more angry with us, made his mates angry with him and I found the parents' responses useless. In fact they all knew the boys were smoking ( some were complicit ) and hadn't taken any action and certainly nobody thought I needed to be told. I am still angry about this 2 years on. I made DS see a school drugs counsellor for regular chats which he was willing to do but all the time he has said he enjoys smoking and doesn't wish to stop.
If your DS smoked with just one group that may be good news for you - this happened to a friend's son and he was able to extract himself quite easily. In my case it has been impossible. All we can do is remind him of the dangers ( of all drugs ) and keep an eye on him ( curfews/money etc). I had a further set back at 15 when I discovered he has used MDMA ( ecstasy ) , speed and ketamine at parties and raves. After a while you realise you are powerless to stop this, you just have to model good behaviour and educate. Their social life and school is literally awash with drugs ( London ).
My arguments that it ruins motivation etc have been met with scorn - I sometimes wonder if he studied extra hard to prove me wrong ( he just got straight A's at GSCE).

Claybury i could be writing your post as we speak, im 1 year into this whole weed drama, and i am at a loss, i have told him i cant stop him smoking it, but if i find it in my house then i will flush it away, my once loving thoughtful little boy as turned into a stranger!!! i cant just blame the weed, but i think the weed, makes him lie and steal and manipulate our whole situation......
and its not just London that as this problem, Yorkshire is rife too.

OP all i can say is encourage your ds to stick with his regular friends, "new " mates can be a big influence

Thank you both for your replies.

I'm hoping that I've knocked some sense into him but teenagers think they know it all!

We had always been open and honest with each other and spoke about drugs and smoking at an early age.

He was adamant that he wouldn't touch cannabis until 18 after reading research on the effect on the brain at a younger age but now it's ok because 'everyone's doing it'.

I just feel like the trust has gone - the trust that when he's out he's probably not in McDonalds but in a park somewhere smoking having spent his money on weed. The trust that his pocket money is being wasted on junk food or clothes that it was intended for instead of cigarettes or weed.

I'm hopeful (ish) that his imminent return to school will lessen his opportunities to do it. We live in spitting distance of the gates and he's always been home straight after school so if that changes my radar will be on high alert.

I can't believe how nonchalant he is though. I'm 40 and weed was certainly making an appearance when I was his age along with ecstasy, but I was fearful of its effects as were many others. I asked him what he would do when a spliff wasn't enough anymore and you want to try other things, to which he replied 'that will never happen'.

Staying calm and keeping communication going feels like my only option at the moment!

It's tricky, isn't it?

I'm in my 60s and I smoked weed as a teenager and a student. I stopped the day I left university. Both DCs dabbled, with our knowledge, but neither indulge now.

Frankly, I was relieved that they smoked dope rather than drank alcohol which caused a lot of problems for their friends.

Weed is a lot less addictive than alcohol. I have family members and friends whose lives have been wrecked by alcohol and one died. If they were going to indulge in drugs to my mind weed was a better alternative to alcohol. The are adults now and no longer smoke weed and rarely drink alcohol.

Keep the lines of communication open. Over-indulgence in anything is a bad thing.

I smoked weed when I was younger and like you Sunna I wasn't overly concerned when I found out my DS was smoking with friends occasionally, thinking it was safer than alcohol. Unfortunately my Ds became addicted to hitting bongs and smoking dope. We went through a couple of years of hell as he got into other drugs. His come downs were a nightmare and if he didn't have anything to smoke he became very angry and aggressive. He now is trying very hard to reduce his dope intake but finds it difficult as all his friends smoke.

I have now discovered Ds2 has been smoking dope, inspite of him seeing what his brother has been through. Again it's all around,it seems so many kids smoke. I'm terrified that we are going to relive what happened with his brother and I know that there's not much I can really do to stop it.

I think dope can be addictive. As a parent all you can do is go on about the pitfalls and limit funds. I've told relatives to give amazon vouchers instead of cash for presents, make packed lunches instead of sandwich money etc.

Of course weed is addictive. Not least because they often mix it with tobacco therefore developing a nicotine habit. My DS still tells me he hates cigarettes ( & alcohol, which I do believe ) but I find cigarette packs in his room. How does that work ?
What about all this fruity Soex stuff ? I find that in his room too, I think it's for bongs or Hookas- perhaps someone can enlighten me ?

My DS at 15 said we shouldn't be hard on him for smoking as loads of his mates were doing MDMA- He also said he never would. But he did, a few months later. The problem is I guess, it's normalised for them. And they don't see it as being particularly harmful.
My DS cut down on going out and therefore on smoking in the run up to exams. He became a noticeably more pleasant person. I put this down to maturity as well, but it's hard to tell.
Lozis- does your DS wear uniform? Mine doesn't and it makes it easier to slip out after school, especially as he looks old for his age. We agreed he had to come straight home mon-wed, was allowed one hour out on Thursdays and a lot of freedom at weekends.

Luckily they have to wear uniform and aren't allowed out during the day -that being said there's nothing stopping him leaving.

I've said I won't accept sneaking into the garden smoking when I'm not there and I know if he has because I can spot the ash.

Apparently it's £10 for a gram of weed. He currently gets £40 per month pocket money with no cash for school because its prepay by me.

He says he's in a transitional phase.

To be honest I'd prefer if he was drinking, maybe because I did at that age on a Friday or Saturday night though that was only the weak stuff when I could get away with buying it. With drugs, anyone will sell it to you no matter your age.

He's home alone today. I've asked him not to let me down so we'll see.

Dieselspillages watch out for amazon vouchers. We did that and found that Amazon sell all the paraphernalia surrounding weed smoking. Ds bought various bongs off amazon and filters etc

check for money going missing too, £10 herem £20 quid there, even the copper jar, £60 went missing in 24 hours last week, i know exaclty when,£20 when i went in the bath and didn't take my bag with me "doh how daft am i" £ 40 from my room, cos i took it outta my purse, then forgot to LOCK my bedroom when i took DD friend home 5 min drive. but i have no proof......im heart broken

I'm not saying it's right but I think most teenagers try it.
Take heart that your son was honest with you. He sounds sensible. I wouldn't bring it up again as you've left it in a place he can talk to you if he needs to. Once In a blue moon I'd say is ok. It's when they take it a lot that it becomes a problem , just like alcohol.