Need to start letting DS make mistakes and learn, help!

[weasleybreeder]

DS 1 is almost 15 and I still tend to rescue him when he has mucked up, eg this morning at 7.55 he returns having left for the school bus to announce that he has a practice expedition for Dfe and needs all his stuff. I drop everything (three other DCs to run around after) and help him gather it all, he then proceeds to tell me it is an overnight event and he needs food, toiletries etc. I get annoyed as I don't recall signing a consent form and have no notes home from school (check his Dfe Documents, nothing relating to this event). I let him go after texting the person organizing and another parent for verification. I'm left feeling stressed as this has taken up loads of time before a busy school run for the other kids and I have a docs appt, straight after drop offs. It was a genuine error that he didn't receive paperwork for the event to advise it was an overnight activity but he knew there was something on and I had told him several times to text a friend and find out what he needed etc but he didn't bother...

I now have to go and get him suitable food for cooking on stoves and a further text advises me he needs football kit for a game straight after.....

If I was at work, (which I will be in a few months) it would be tough luck and he would miss out on the event. In a nutshell I am torn between wanting to learn from his mistakes and not wanting him to miss out. Any advise on how to do this?

Yes, I am my 16yo DS’s “spare brain” and it can be very annoying even though I don’t have any other kids. And I do worry about him being over-dependent but hey ho.

Me, I ‘d probably have sorted out the DofE prep this time but he’d have to do without the footie kit. (Strictly speaking they are supposed to plan the cooking themselves in advance, so making you get him "suitable food" would be cheating but since it's only the practice never mind!) As for the future - well, two possibilities. You could make it very clear that if he doesn’t tell you about the next outing on time then he misses out. If he doesn’t get the paperwork for the actual DofE trip to you then he would probably have to do it later on with a different group and it might delay him starting the next level, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Or else, next time he wants a big favour it might be your cue to say “Only if you’re doing all the washing up for the next two weeks. Deal?”

My sons were both like this, and still are to an extent although it is getting better. We've found sitting down on a Sunday night and planning the week ahead helps, including writing everything down or drawing it as a 'mind map' as they are both much more visual. They go to their dad's every other weekend and have made up a checklist they go through, which helps too.

And yes, I think you should pitch in and help out where absolutely necessary (like DOE emergency) but on less important things let it go wrong. After months of my son not being ready for a lift to footie training on time I just drive off and left him one day - he managed to cycle there himself in the rain, and wasn't even too late, and it had a remarkable effect on his timeliness for the rest of that season.

Thanks for the suggestions. I particularly like the "mind map" idea as he would relate to that. He also goes to his Dad's every other weekend and I sometimes feel like that I am having to organise both households so it would be good to think ahead to make sure he has kit etc for those weekends as neither him or his Dad are naturally organised people.

It's important not to do everything for him or he won't have the independant skills when he's 18 going to uni. At the moment he doesn't organise himself because he knows you'll do it. Warn him your not going to bail him out and let him get it wrong a couple of times. It'll do more good than harm.

I am in the Heyho camp. I stopped dropping off forgotten lunches and homework when they were about 12. The only exception is DD3 who tends to really panic if things go wrong, but she dreads forgetting things so much that she rarely forgets anything. I know she isn't just taking me for granted if she contacts me with a request for a book or calculator, etc.

I would say go cold turkey on taking up slack, and let him figure out his own method of remembering things. He will survive until he finds his feet and learns there is more to the care and keeping of him than he has realised.

I would even let him miss something important like the DofE event, or go to it without food. Surely one of the important elements of the programme is self reliance and increasing maturity anyway? If a participant needs a secretary and 'my man Jeeves' in order to manage it, it is sort of defeating the point.

Stop doing it I probably would have for the d of e though but start small forgot p e kit tough needs something for school tough and so on till he gets the message we dont do last minute lifts drop offs or stuff they should remember and be considerate and responsibile about not since the 21yr old was 13 they have to learn imo that mum is not a walk over. Just let them miss out once or twice they get it.