I'm sorry this is long. The question is at the end but it's complicated!
DH, DS 16 and DD 16 (twins) and I are on holiday abroad. We both work FT, DH has been a very involved hands-on dad over the years.
DH and I have a low-level relationship - functions well, and sometimes warm, but not loving (no sex for 10 years his preference) and not intimate in any real sense. DH is a conflict avoider and will placate and appease and then run away; I am irritable short fused and emotional. I have become selfish and contemptuous of him, and disgusted with myself. I have moved on from the early years' position of blaming him, and now I blame myself for not leaving years ago when it was clear very early (before DC were born - accidental pregnancy) that we brought out the worst in each other's characters. There's no violence, not much shouting (he avoids it and I've given up shouting at him it's pointless boy is that man stubborn!)
His main role in the house is as a 'butler'- this is not my desire and I hate it, but for example he makes the tea because he won't eat what I cook, he runs the washing machine etc because we are off grid and use a generator and he does not trust anyone to do use it right without blowing the batteries, he runs the kids around with lifts so as not to 'disturb' me.
At home in our groove we rub along - and have some good times too.
On holiday the lid has been blown off. DH is vvvvv antisocial, highly anxious and neurotic. I'm laid back (disorganised, lazy, easygoing). He despises alcohol so i don't drink at home all year. On holiday I do. After a few beers (I was not drunk - far from it sadly) I gave him the wrong direction how to drive to our villa. He blew his top - f'ing this, stupid f'ing woman, shut your f'ing mouth... the kids have never heard this from him - me only two or three times (and he has been provoked in the past, I am NOT an easy woman, or blameless here, I show my contempt and irritation less so now than i used to. There are bits of each other we like - morals and politics, nature, stuff like that. It isn't all bad.)
DS has since about 13 been more on his dad's "side" and DS on mine - they also hate each other, they say. So yesterday was tough for him as clearly for once his Dad was the 'baddie' (usually its me); I spent most of last night in tears tbh getting, at last, good and drunk. DD was horrified and just kept quiet.
Today is GCSE results day. both kids are bright and academic and will do well to very well. However DS did no revision (works v hard AT school but refuses to work OUT of school!) DD works v hard at school and out of it. They are very competitive and I know we're in for trouble - she will hate him if he gets as good or better results than her, as she worked hard and so 'whats the point of working hard'... he will hate her if she does better, but more long lasting will be that he'll think 'fuck it' and stop doing anything at all at school (he tends to expect life to be easy, don't we all, but he's living as though it IS easy!)
So, DS was talking this morning about how he doesn't want to let anyone know his results; how competition is awful, divisive, and basically the scourge of the nation...DH agreed. I said to DH how could he say that, as he's an academic and grades people for a living. I see now that i was disgusted with DH (probably unfairly, i'm just saying my emotional reaction was towards DH not DS, if I'd thought - if I'd only THOUGHT, i'd have seen that DS is bricking it and trying to defend himself against his own anxieties), But what i heard was, 'I'm not going to tell DD my results and she can't tell me' which irritated me - it's hard for me and DH to have to keep their results 'secret' from each other and I know that DD will pressure me like hell to tell her his; and DS will probably not tell me his anyway.
So I was snarly to DH in response to what I saw was him protecting DS at the cost of DD (should she not have a say in this?) and in response to what I heard as weedy capitulation rather than good parenting.
At which DS turns on me, bursting with emotion: I'm the worst person in the world, I'm a fucking bitch, i've ruined his life, he hates me, i'm never to talk to him.... I didn't say a word, and part of me agrees with him. I don't feel angry with him, but with me and his dad; our compromises and accommodations worked okay when the DC were little, but they are now older they see, read, experience, the tensions, the 'codes' that couples have, they are seeing their parents both behaving badly, seeing our incompatibility.
They (all three) have gone on a pre-booked activity for the day - getting their results tonight by text. I'm at the villa trying to make sense of it all.
I think the relationship I have with DH is so poor and the DC so conflicted, that it seems to me I should separate from DH. Them seeing my contempt for him is cruel and bad parenting: them seeing his disengagement from me, his milk-water affection, and his passive-agression towards me, is cruel and bad parenting.
When we get back home we could slide back to 'normality' and see the DC through to leaving home, and probably beyond, with things being 'ok'. But with the undercurrents as described, and with this strong 'mum and DD" and dad and DS affiliations having more negative impact and really damaging their own sibling relationship. And role modelling a pretty crap relationship.
Or do I instigate a separation (DH will never kick me out, too passive and also would believe this to be in kids' worst interest) with all the trauma, blame, practicalities, where do DC live, with me or with DH, does DS live with his dad DD with me? .... oh the horror
I've been on antidepressants since they were born. I have had years of therapy. We tried Relate when DC were tiny, DH refused to go back he said the counsellor was a bitch who was trying to blame him for everything...(all she'd said was his own father sounded difficult...TBH I think DH is a complete fuck up in many ways but then it's very easy just to blame the other person and think they are if not bad, then certainly mad - I know he thinks I'm insane (literally)
I'm sorry this is so long. It's helped no end to write it out though!
I would really value some insight or options from you. Stay and make the best of it, or leave? Which will damage the kids least?
if you got this far then thank you