How much is too much?

[fackinell]

So this could technically be a SP issue but IMO is just a teenage one. I thought it'd be a good idea to buy DSD some driving lessons from her Dad and I for her birthday. DP had just renewed her passport and felt that she should at least raise her own money for her provisional license. I originally felt that should be down to us since it was part of her driving gift but he disagreed. She gets around 130 PCM for attending school (Paid to her not her mother.) DP gives her 25 PW pocket money and she earns (if she shows up which is once a mth) 10 per wk in wages. He pays maintenance to his ExW if course.

DSD came around tonight with no intention or money to pay for her prov license (which I thought we should pay for anyway) but as DP had insisted she find her own funds, I'm a bit that she expected us to pay. WWYD? Cancel her lessons, as she has said, until she had funds or pay it and keep quiet. My dilemma is that DP had laid down the rules (but now says he'll just pay) or would you make her pay.

Is it ok if I offer a different perspective fackinell?

My two DCs are both old enough to drive. DS is older and was so keen to learn to drive from the age of 7yrs, I felt sure he'd be quick off the blocks.

For his 17th birthday I bought him his provisional licence and offered to pay for the first fifteen lessons on the proviso that he pass his theory test before taking any practical lessons (for which I would pay).

Basically, I wanted to know that he was as invested in the process as I was. This would involve him spending a couple of hours a week learning for the theory test.

He is now fast approaching his 22nd birthday and has failed to take the theory test to date. It has been booked a couple of times (and paid for) and he has spent some time trying to learn for it. Thankfully, he has let me know in good time (for a refund of the fee) that he has not spent enough time and does not feel confident of passing yet.

When he is ready, he will go for it and I will make good on my promises.

My DD is now at the same stage. She is clear that she has too much on her plate to do it yet (but she is absolutely determined to do it before DS).

So I have to go with OldLadyKnowsSomething's original question; is she that bothered about it yet?

I like the way you approached it, 2Retts, it makes a lot of sense. I think she is genuinely keen but probably wouldn't have brought it up if we hadn't. She's not great with parting with her own money, DP has had to nip some rather entitled behaviour in the bud such as ordering online and handing her computer for him to 'put in his card details.'

We made it clear after our discussion that she get her own prov before we book lessons. She said she would so we booked and now the start date is looming and she says she has no money. I thought we should stick to the programme as she's probably going to think now that we are responsible until she passes. I've insisted on paying for a block rather than each week as she has to then think for herself where the next lessons are coming from. For this reason I'm not keen that she's gone for two PW but I have told instructor that she only has ten from us.

We wouldn't normally spent so much for a birthday so DP had kittens when I suggested it but we aren't having a holiday for ourselves as a couple this yr so it seemed a good idea.

It's such a lovely idea to help to get her driving.
However, it's possibly not been thought through quite carefully enough.
10 lessons will be a great start but what happens then? She may need tons of lessons and may need several attempts at passing her test, I think it costs about £40 for each driving test. Possibly more.
The costs could mount up, several hundred of pounds infact.
Whilst it is a great idea, the reality is is that it is almost certainly going to cost you and her DF a great deal of money as she is certainly going to be unable or unwilling to stump up any of the costs herself.

Heyday, I have a feeling it will end at ten for a while. That's a great shame but I struggled to get DP on board with ten in the first place. She has to be willing to get herself a pt job to supplement it really. She's the only one of her friends who doesn't work, she says she's too tired. Tests are around 100 now as you also have the car hire for the test plus the lesson before. We can't commit to perhaps 3 of those.

Maybe she will love it so much that it'll make her find a job or maybe it'll end at ten. She would normally get 250-300 spent on her for Christmas but 2 PW is only going to land in early October. That's a little soon even for an early Christmas present.

Perhaps you can back track on the licence but say she has to pay for the theory test. My daughter took 9/10 months of lessons to pass. We agreed on £200 towards lessons and what we did was pay towards half a lesson each week up to £200 and DD paid the other half. It made the lessons more affordable to start with for DD (and less monthly outgoing for us). Hope that makes sense! After that she was on her own to pay for lessons. We did but her a car as an early Xmas/18th birthday present and we practised in that once the instructor said she was ready. She felt that this extra practice certainly helped.
If her mum is paying for most things your DSD certainly has enough money to be paying for lessons. It's whether she feels that is a priority. I know of people who have had the 10 lessons and not carried on and years later still not driving.

Chilly, I was that driver, I had countless lessons on a stop start basis.

Like you've suggested, we are going to pay the license, DP has got quite arsey about the fact I originally suggested it but don't agree with giving a 17yo the say so that she's not paying, and we are, based on the fact that she had originally agreed to.
He said he will be paying no more, not theory, insurance, lessons or buying a car.

I'm being a bit with him today for being snippy with me over it. It was my bloody suggestion in the first place!! He gets annoyed when he's caught out being a pushover but at least DSD will get her prov license at last and may get her arse into gear to save for more.

Meant to say Chilly, I wish we had thought if that idea!!

He shouldn't be deciding what is or isn't going to be paid for because he is in a strop. That needs to be saved for a time when you can both look at it objectively and logically to what you can afford.

DD's insurance was a good few hundred pounds more than the car was worth. I paid it and it wasn't fun but dropped by loads the second year which I have paid. On renewal she will be paying. It would have cost the same to insure her for my car so apart from the cost of buying the car and some work to it. WE would have still spent the cost of the car on an 18th present.

DD pays the tax and petrol. The incentive of having the car was to make her save for a better car which she has done with a small loan from DH which he is not letting her off. He has just spent £100 on some work and has added to what she owes! She has to learn that she needs money for emergencies and not spend it all in the clothes shops.
Perhaps she can save for the car and you pay the insurance. Or you put her on your insurance. I know you said there's not loads of money so I don't know what is affordable. Think it is a shame if she passes her test and then can't drive.

She definitely needs to get a job. My daughter was working 16 hours a week while in sixth form.

I know, Chilly. I generally am the one to stick up for DSD unless she really is being a brat which isn't often these days. But I do think in this instance she needs to step up and get a job to contribute after the initial 10 plus license. The exams are over now, there will be Christmas recruitment, I too was working at that age but 10 hrs PW. I was in college too.

Money isn't hugely tight usually but we are doing some major DIY in the house but also I really don't think its good for DSD to have everything handed on a plate without having to work. I genuinely think that is good for her character. Due to the split she is rather baby'ed by both sides. Only Granddad kicks her arse and I wouldn't bloody mess with him. He has a strong work ethic but a lovely man. Takes no shite. Actually, I'm seeing him tomorrow, I may get him on side with this.

DP is a stroppy git, he hates being told what to do. We are both first children and strong willed, it can be rather argumentative round our gaff!!

Does she listen to granddad? If so, definitely have a word with him.

I went to boarding school so couldn't work in term time but boy did I have to make up for it in the holidays. No pocket money from the age of 14.
I also have a younger DS so what we have done/do for one has to be done for the other so I can't be giving it all to them on a plate.

My DH can strop worse than a toddler some times!!!
Hope it all goes well

She's scared of Granddad, so that's a good start she's buggered off out now but just so annoyingly sweet that we are left to do her application. It's just as well I don't have my own kids really, one look at her little face and I give in every time.

Step away from the computer!!! Softy!
I make mine sit with me. I am there to help not do for them.

But I can be a pushover at times as well

Well tomorrow night we have a party and will all be worse for wear after. DP will do it though. She needs a gov gateway thingymybob. This is what I mean, she won't do anything!! And as SM I can say bugger all. Although I do know I'd be the same, I'm like that with DM!!

You seem to be a totally lovely SM fackinell.

Don't fret too much, get scary grandad on side and have an absolutely amazing party and weekend.

Thank you 2Retts have a good wknd too.