Help with a teenager

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I am new to this board so someone might have raised the same question in the past. I have an 18 year old son who has had a new girl friend for the past few months. She had being spending a lot of time at our house, sleeping over most nights. This was alright during the school holidays but now my youngest son is back at school, my husband told my son about a week ago that his girlfriend can only sleep over at weekends. The reason for this is that my sons share a bedroom so when the girl stays over, my son takes the mattress off his bed and put it next to the settee. Since my husband has said my son has being staying the night at his girlfriend's. He is currently doing an apprenticeship and his work place is only a 20 min bus ride from where we live, whereas, it is 2 bus rides from where his girlfriend lives. The other day he had to wait so long for buses he was 40 minutes late for work and lost his ?100 bonus for being on time every day in the month. He gets very worked up when you mention anything to him and I keep trying to tell him that every time he stays at her house, he risks being late, but he won't listen to me. Yesterday I asked him when he was going to sleep at his own house agian, he said when I leave! I do not want to be the one that drives him out permantely (my husband asked when he was going to move out, he said when my husband gives him enough money). So judging by this, I don't think that my son will be leaving in the near future. The two of them are completely besotted with one another, but I sometimes look forward to the relationship breaking up. I just hope that the girl's parents get fed up with my son stopping every night and say something. I have made my self ill in the past worrying about things so I would like to hear other mum's opinions on my situation and any advice they may have.

d11, i really think you are being perfectly reasonable in saying that gf can only stay over at weekend. Hopefully your ds will realise he is the only one losing out by being late for work. Don't sub him any money and hopefully he will make sure he's not late anymore (maybe by sleeping at home in the week)

Try not to worry too much (easier said than done, i know!) Good luck!

thanks for the support mell2. The other day he actually asked me if i could lend him some money towards a new monitor for his pc. I said that if I lent him the money (which I have done in the past and he has always paid me back)he might not be able to pay me back this time if he keeps missing out on his bonus by being late. He said that it didn't mean he would miss his bonus every month just because he did this month. I am going to wait to see what happens in a few weeks time.

He's creating his own problems, and he's more than old enough to sort them out. The only person losing out is your DS, so let him get on with it. Try and stop worrying, it's his fault he's late and it's his fault he lost his bonus, you've done all you can he has to take responsibility for his own actions now.

You've been more than generous allowing his gf to stay over in the past, and I think that limiting it to the weekends because of your younger son is totally reasonable. I bet he's happy to have the room to himself, and not have to put up with his brothers gf around all the time

thanks serenity. You just said what a lot of people have told me that my ds is old enough to sort out his own problems. As for my other son being glad that my ds gf is not around, he doesn't seem to mind her at all. In fact she is a bit immature in her attitude and loves playing the xbox, nintendo ds etc. The immaturity could be because we thought that when it was her birthday in August that she would 18, when in fact she was only 17. My ds will be 19 in Dec so there is in fact quite an age difference between them. I suspect that my ds may be her first serious bf, which is why she is quite clingly (perhaps a bit too much.

I used to be that gf I used to stay over Dhs (when he was bf) from the age of about 17 (he was 19) and he shared a room with his brother. BIL is a year younger than me. I don't think he was that bothered either, but looking back I do feel sorry for him, especially the odd times he walked in on me and dh being a bit.... intimate. I really don't know how we got away with it, or why MIL never put her foot down - DH wasn't allowed to sleep over mine!

Thanks serenity. This is my ds's 2nd gf. The 1st one lasted nearly a year, she lived further away and hardly ever stopped at our house. He occasionally stayed at her house and he said that he slept in the spare room (which is quite possible). She was around the same age as my son so was a bit more mature. I wonder if it lasted so long because they did not see each other that often whereas this relationship is totally the opposite, which makes me believe that it may not last as long as the first one. This might be just infatuation rather than "love" and perhaps because this new gf seems besotted with him he takes what he can. I did find a poster that she had drawn for him laying on top of his chest of drawers which said that she was getting used to the relationship and thought that if anyone messed it up it would be her.

I would get wise to him and make friends with g/f s mum - easy enough to give her a call on the pretext of having your son staying so often and say you are just calling to ensure she is happy with this ( it is only manners after all to thank her).
This opens the line of communication between the 2 homes - your son may not be best pleased - but tough -it's your house so your rules!!!

i have son almost 17 - this set up sounds much like his.

at 18 yes he can sort out his own problems - however

my house - my rules - i know it sounds ever so 19 50's but really - i dont give a shit.

my son sleeps here durin the week - we take girlfriend home at 10pm every evening. my dh get hims up for work ( apprenticehsip)

its important that he doesn't fuck upt he apprenticeship - so i know where your coming from.

there is also this to consider.

my son stopped at his grlfriends all week and we used to pick him up at 10pm - that mant he went ont rain straight there from work - had a shower at her house and got fed.

everynight he got fed at her house

now i talked to her mother - i offered her money - she was afterall feeding another person 7 days a week.

ofcourse she refused.

but now we have arragement where she comes here for tea 3-4 times a week.

so if your son goes over there all the time - her family is oing to think he is taking the piss

By the way - i hope your taking boardmoney off him.

if you want your son to sleep in your house during the week - tellhim. dont ask him - if he doesn't like it - he is quite old enough to rent his own place.

ditto Custardo! Well said!

Appreciate advice, love to phone gf? s mum, do not have the number. Think I know address/surname, tried to look up on BT - couldn't find. When I see gf I will ask her for it, might have to contact ds urgently (but then he has mobile). Know gf's mum has our no., few months ago phoned to say gf to go home because they were going to her grandparent's. Might wait to see if she is concerned about the situation
enough to phone me. Both of us might be afraid of what might happen if ds not allowed to stay at gf? s and visa versa. Also reluctant to phone as dh will get annoyed with me interfering.

Asked ds if gf's mum minded him staying said not like me (she might be waiting to see how things go). Can?t suggest giving money for food etc. as ds does not go there straight from work, comes home first, leaves about 8-9pm. Usually has something to eat before going. When at gfs, probably doesn?t eat a lot anyway (fussy eater). Last night went to friend?s then presumably gf?s.

Don?t mind ds staying at gf?s as long as it does not affect his apprenticeship (only has few months to go). Dh?s attitude is that as long as ds is happy, why spoil it. Partly blame dh, don?t think he should have let gf stay as much as he did in past, gave wrong idea. Told ds that dh probably let gf stay at half term, he said wow! four weeks a year (don?t know how long he thinks relationship will last!)

Sorry if go on too long!

well you have a lot more patience than me hun - my house,my kids - their house, their kids.
never mind an occasional - but every night both of them or none of them NO CHANCE.
I think the Mon-Fri - rule that custardo uses is the best bit of advice. xx

Agree with you about GF only stopping weekends, HOWEVER, he is 18 and if its OK with GFs mum that he stays there then I really dont see why you are getting that het up about it. OK, so he lost one months bonus, but again, he is an adult and needs to learn his own lessons. I think you run the risk of him distancing himself from you if you are on his back all the time.

Just to keep you informed of events. My ds is still staying at his gf's at night apart from the last two Sunday nights when she has stayed at our house with the approval of my dh. I asked ds if his gf's parents had said anything about him stopping, he said something along the lines of Not really or Not exactly! I also asked if gf's parents had wanted to know why he was staying at their house and not ours, he said no.

I said that I did not want him to feel that we were driving him out, he said that no one else seemed to think that way except for me. So this has given me hope that at least he does not think that we are trying to drive him out by not letting his gf stay during the week.

He is still coming home from work before he goes to her house and on Tuesday went athletics training, so at least he is still carrying on with his own life and she has not taken him over completely!

His attitude seems to be OK except when you try to talk about staying at her house and how he is getting on at work/college. But he has never been forthcoming about work/college so there is no difference here. He hasn't been taking his folder to college, I asked if he got in trouble for not taking it, he did not answer. So I said that he was old enough to know whether he needed his folder or not, he said Exactly!.

My dh seems to have got used to the fact that he is staying at her house during the week. I asked ds the other day whether he would be staying at gf's house all the time they were going out together, he said did it matter, I said not really. But I wonder how much longer her parents will put up with it.