16 yo Daughter knows of our drug use

[beecee]

Our daughter caught both of us using cocaine about 12 months ago and we now know she also read phone messages where we talked about drug use , very bad parenting we know . She is now at nearly 16 starting to push many of the usual boundaries and has mildly started to reference to what she know as a kind of blackmail/bargaining tool , I'm not sure how to go about this and any help with this would be great .

[morethanpotatoprints]

nameless

You have said what I was struggling to say
I don't think the OP will be back now, due to the hard time she was given.
Lots of people take drugs in one form or another.

[MorphineDreams]

And I've coke in the past, and I know how dodgy it can be

[morethanpotatoprints]

Morphine

Of course one drink can kill, it depends on what has gone into the drink. I don't think teenagers are any more safe drinking alcohol at a party than they are taking drugs necessarily, it depends on the conditions and all the variables.
All you can teach your children are the risks associated with taking any drug to be social, including alcohol.

[MorphineDreams]

I said it isn't likely to, which it isn't. Of course there's instances where people are downing pints of vodka and dying but that's an extreme case.

What I'm talking about is with cocaine, there is absolutely no way to be responsible with it. No way at all. With alcohol you can look at percentages, start on something weaker. You get to know what your limit is. Also if you have too much you're more likely to throw up than go into cardiac arrest. With cocaine that 'just one line' can kill you, can have absolutely anything in it. Even if you've had that one line before - the danger is still there.

And I fully agree with your last line. I'm not advocating drinking, and I'm not saying we should encourage drinking, I just think at this time it just isn't comparable to cocaine IMO. If it was regulated and sorted into strengths, perhaps.

[MorphineDreams]

And if they're the same, are you not gobsmacked when people on here say they're having a glass of wine?

Or do you think it would be okay for members to say 'just have a quick line'

[BobbyGentry]

'If you can't beat 'em then join 'em'
Well, you're either setting her up to a family-accepted perception of drug use or she'll go against you. Will you respect her choice if she doesn't agree with your drug use? Hope so, remind her of life choices and the financial, legal, social and economic implications to these choices.

[VinoTime]

Personally, I feel she has free reign to use it against you. You can hardly lecture her on do's and don'ts when you're doing class A drugs! Jeez...

Get your act together, OP. You have responsibilities. What kind of example are you setting her? You can hardly tell her off for drinking or staying out late whilst rubbing white powder off your flippin' nose, can you?! You're teaching her this stuff is okay - it isn't!

Ditch the drugs and sit her down for an open and honest chat.

[Bangonthedoor]

It's a shame OP hasn't been back as we didn't get a huge amount of info. Yes she never said she was an addict but she didn't say she wasn't one either....

I really don't think alcohol is the same as cocaine. If you want wine, you can go to the supermarket, pick up a bottle and read the back for guidelines set out by the government - how much is a safe amount to drink in one sitting/over one week. Also the label explains how many units there are in the bottle. Until you can go to the supermarket and purchase cocaine knowing exactly what is in it and how much is a safe amount to use, I don't think the two can be compared at all.

If OP came on here saying she was getting fake wine off the black market (which contains anything but wine) knowingly I would have said exactly the same - it's irresponsible.

[Mrsjayy]

You are probably a bit twitchy and paranoid what with all the crap up your nose your dd is probably scared and confused and not trying to bargain anything. What do you want people to say? Your off the cuff remark about bad parents of the year is dismissive you like taking drugs you just dont know how to handle your dd being dissapointed in you deal with that and stop taking drugs

[TheGoop]

I think it's strange people might think this is a wind-up. I know lots of people who do cocaine and have kids.

[daddydaddycool]

Wow, there's no lack of high moral posturing on this thread is there!

"OMG you can't take coke in your 40s..." etc.

Give it a break. There's one thing (for some) to rightly question the OP's own situation in terms of overall frequency and intensity of usage; another entirely (for others) to generalise and pidgeon-hole recreational drugs like a bunch of ignorant old biddies. Talk about becoming your own parents!

Is recreational drug use in adulthood patently a bad thing? I'd argue otherwise. It's the fact that the OP got caught is the key issue, and how to manage that - and which only a smattering have bothered to provide constructive advice on.

My own example: I spent a significant proportion of recreational time in my late teens and early 20's 'using' (yawn...) cannabis, MDMA, acid, cocaine (in decreasing order) then went about my daily business successfully. I kept it proportionate because I came from a solid family background and required no secondary emotional outlet, other than what we youth simply did in the early 90s then.

Since then, I have occasionally dabbled but in terms of years rather than months or weeks, e.g. I went to a party last July (2013) and had a few spliffs and lines of coke along with beer and red wine. Sure, it was a heavy night but my wife (we're now 40 with two DDs) who doesn't partake but had plenty of booze, was a mess the next day so I looked after the kids, relatively happily. Then nothing until May this year when I took two ecstasy pills in a club with old friends (fantastic fun!) but haven't hankered after them since.

If some of you are this judgmental towards someone who is actively seeking your advice, then your own approach towards your own kids' experiences is questionable. I'm obviously not advocating recreational drug use in general, but teenagers will do what they do regardless and from experience, an absolutism approach is neither helpful, nor necessary.

I'm personally glad that I have first-hand experience of very occasional drug use in my late 30's/early 40s. In small doses it keeps me 'in the loop' and it can be harmless fun if that's your bag - like canoeing down a gorge or eating at Michelin Star restaurants can be fun.

Key words from all that: solid family background ;-)

[LeBearPolar]

Um - well done on being a successful drug user?

[Mrsjayy]

Keeps you in the loop okaaay then what would happen if one of those ecstacy pill were a bad lot and you drowned from the inside or you had a heart attack from the odd line

[MamaDoGood]

Having a glass of wine is the same as taking cocaine is it?
What the fuck is wrong with you.
What a stupid comment to make !

[daddydaddycool]

LeBearPolar / Mrsjayy / MamaDoGood

I'll respond collectively if that's OK, you're pretty much coming from the same perspective after all.

First and foremost, nowhere in the above do I celebrate drug use; on the contrary I clearly said that I didn't advocate it in general. Perhaps you envision me 'chopping up a line' as a gift for my daughter on her 16th birthday...in which case I'd suggest that you review the situation.

I may be wrong (genuinely, I'm not trying to be sarcastic or patronising) but I'd suggest that your overall understanding of the subject matter is merely gleaned from the likes of the Daily Mail et al, i.e. "all illegal drugs are downright evil and you may even drown from the inside so stick with wine", etc.

Unlike yourselves, however, I simply accept that recreational drug use will remain an aspect of youth (sub)culture down the line and it may come to pass that I'm placed in a position to discuss related issues with one or both of my daughters - in which case I'd much rather come from a perspective of objective experience.

For example, of course I'm never supply them with 'high quality' drugs in a bid to circumvent the risk of them procuring dodgy stuff in a random situation, but at the very least I might garner their respect by discussing associated risks objectively. A blanket 'NO' tack doesn't really help in that kind of situation, does it (but I'm not sure you'll understand the importance of this point).

Fine, take the largely unsubstantiated scaremonger tack if you think it's going to steer them clear in the first instance. Personally, though, I would rather remain nonjudgmental and be in a position to educate my kids objectively. Ask yourself in what other situation would you be so 'black and white' in your views towards your child's activities as they enter adulthood?

Meanwhile, and despite puritanical protestations, I may or may not choose to continue having a spontaneous blow-out once every few years or so on the social scene.

That's all pretty subjective but feel free to open discussion on associated statistics/probability around recreational drugs.

Best Wishes

[mathanxiety]

If they're all going to do whatever they want to do anyway why bother telling them anything?

A solid family background is one where parents do not routinely break the law and risk leaving their children parentless.

[Mrsjayy]

I dont read the daily mail I am not some pearl clutching fool I do think recreational drug use is just the same as heavy drug use people go out for dinner for recreation not put shit up their nose, but carry on thinking it is just something for the weekend

[fififolle]

The daftest quote I've seen on here is "no one has died from cocaine use"?????? What planet are you on? I know of several people who've had heart attacks in their late twenties due to cocaine use. It has a direct affect on the heart muscle. Not to mention rotting away your nasal septum aka Daniella Westbrook. At least you know what you're ingesting with a glass of wine, who knows what crap coke is cut with.

[Bangonthedoor]

The biggest thing for me is that OP is willing to risk leaving her child parent less. And yes it is simply that black and white.

[mathanxiety]

'Perhaps you envision me 'chopping up a line' as a gift for my daughter on her 16th birthday...in which case I'd suggest that you review the situation.'

Speculation and straw man...

'I'd suggest that your overall understanding of the subject matter is merely gleaned from the likes of the Daily Mail et al, i.e. "all illegal drugs are downright evil and you may even drown from the inside so stick with wine", etc.'

Speculation and straw man...

'Unlike yourselves, however' blah blah
Unlike what you imagine the three posters are...

You are making stuff up about other people and then arguing points based on what you imagine their opinions are.

The only way you can discuss risks objectively is by pointing out that people can suffer serious adverse health effects or die from doing cocaine. Since you haven't yet died during a blow out or as a result of use in the long term, I don't think you are in a position to provide an objective lesson of any kind to your offspring. They are not going to see a downside. It is going to look to them very much like a fun activity with no negative consequences such as fine dining or canoeing. However, if you have ever had cocaine related kidney problems, heart attack, seizure, stroke, depression, psychosis, or paranoia or if you have ever been ticketed or arrested for driving impaired, and have been open with your children about how those problems are related to cocaine use, then fair enough.

I am a great believer in black and white parenting of teens. I call it 'providing a solid family background'.

[Bangonthedoor]

I'm getting so wound up with this thread! So I'm going to leave after this but just wanted to say....imagine if OP's daughter had walked in on her parents with coke around their nose and collapsed on the floor after suffering heart attacks. All you 'pro cocaine' people, would you really be saying "it's ok, it's only recreational, loads of people do it"

[Bangonthedoor]

Well said mathanxiety

[AlpacaYourThings]

[TheBogQueen]

I think

Cocaine production and distribution funds organised crime- yes and that include sales of arms, trafficking of women and children, slavery and murder.

A lot if people dabble in drugs in their teens. It doesn't make you cool or special, it was a big part of the youth culture I grew up in.

But then I had three children.

And I grew the fuck up. So should you.

[daddydaddycool]

Wow, quite a bit to cover.

I'm happy to be found wanting in my argument but multiple 'straw man' accusations? Emotional bluff and bluster, undoubtedly for the right underlying reasons, i.e. genuine care for our children. But again, I'm in no way arguing IN FAVOUR of recreational drug use and I'm struggling with some of the 'rationale' purported here (by mathanxiety and others).

To repeat, I don't habitually take illegal drugs but I have some insight into their use and understand how they can be debilitating for many, as well as providing a recreational outlet for others that has no negative impact on their lives.

I would never purposefully expose my children to drugs and given my evident infrequent use, it's highly unlikely to happen accidentally either.

So, let's "imagine if OP's daughter had walked in on her parents with coke around their nose and collapsed on the floor after suffering heart attacks". That kind of statement screams Daily Mail madness to me. It is purely emotive and cannot be supported in any way or form.

Lively discourse is always healthy but "you are making stuff up about other people and then arguing points based on what you imagine their opinions are" is equally unfounded. It's a view like any other and I would be happy to continue the discussion on a more factual basis (and be found wanting if so!).

What are we talking about again? Yep, the well-being of our children in the midst of entering adulthood. And you think they'll be bothered about/ influenced by your supposedly beneficial 'black and white' parenting perspective? Good luck with that!

I would personally rather discourage them from a perspective of personal experience until such time that they can make they own choices, rather than coming from no experience at all.

Thanks